The Minority Report

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Minority Report.

The Minority Report, code-named "Operation: Plan", is a top-secret and criminally short MI5 report accidentally released to the public. The Minority was originally a mass-surveillance program whose sole purpose was to survey what MI5 believed to be the biggest threat to our world... us. Needless to say, upon it's release it sparked worldwide outrage. People were shocked, some cried, some sued.

Now, here is the complete report. Don't get your hopes up, it's incredibly short.

It Begins; Operation: Plan[edit]

The Wigger[edit]

Grouped together, they prepare to rob Gregg's.

Meet the stereotypical angsty teenage wannabe-rapper... also known by Daily Mail readers as "the future unemployable". These two will probably not live to see their financially productive years. They will, however, cause so much concern for their parents that orphanhood is just around the corner.

The Lucky Unstables[edit]

The Handicapped, These lucky people have it all. Free parking, "special" schools, hot nurses who tend to their every need (yes, their every need), and some have brute strength. Truly dangerous human beings if you have no free time. Trouble Rating: 8.0/10.

Drew, who went on to write Snow White: The Musical.

Hank - as we know - went on to compete on Robot Wars, and is now happily married to a babe.


Tommy, 1940 - 2009, thought he was the real Superman. Ran outside and got winged by a passing Minivan, ironically driven by a Mr. Lex "Luther" Lu'tare, of Houston, Texas.

Ginger Kids[edit]

In case you doubt the Minority Report's sincerity, it is the first to document that every other ginger out there should be considered armed and extremely dangerous. Jokes, cannot be taken. Laughs, will not be tolerated. Trouble Rating: 5.5/10.

FUN FACT: Everytime a ginger is born, a dog howls.

Let us pray.

Yikes! Keep your mace close-by at all times.


Wiggers, handicapped people, and Gingers...three well-documented citizen groups. But they are not alone. Known simply as "Gramps and Grams" to radicals worldwide, Pensioners are arguably the biggest threat polite society now faces. They are manipulative people who can do absolutely marvelous things... when no-one's around. Trouble Rating: 9.5/10.

Werther's annual Pensioner Beatdown, a yearly event held at Arkham Asylum, pitting two elderly super-villain wannabees against each other to see who truly deserves the TV remote.

Ralph here, counting what little money the local green grocer spared him, undecided whether to "end it all" via Kettle Gun or watch his shows.

Inspired by Nintendo's "Mario Kart" series, and desperate to prove to his grandson that he could do more than "sit in your damn chair and evacuate your bowels", William set-out to break a land speed record that existed only in his imagination...