The Monkees

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The Monkees

“ Hey ! Hey ! We're the Monkees”

~ The Monkees on getting refused entrance into Studio 54

The Monkees were a group of four secret operative CIA trained killers, working undercover in the late 1960s posing as a fictional rock group, posing as a real rock group, posing as the real kids from Scooby-Doo. The group was put together by George.H.Bush to combat revolutionary rock musicians like Frank Zappa and The Velvet Underground.

The Monkees was also a television series that ran in 1966 and 1967 on the NBC network, a subsidiary of GE which is a subsidiary of a small dry cleaning business in Wichita, Kansas. Although the series was mildly funny, it was filled with hidden messages of anti-communism and subliminal cryptic symbols. The show was originally about Greek Monks that wander the United States correcting injustices with Orthodox Kung-Fu. The group was changed when it was discovered that the actors were actual Monks.


The original Monks

The primary purpose of the group was (1) world domination (2) the assassination of political leaders in South America and (3) Advertisement and marketing for the Clarksville Transportation and Railway Authority, a former CIA run railroad used to run heroin crops into the uninhabited regions of Tennessee.

For the band members, the group was just a Steppin' Stone to other ventures, none of which actually panned out.

Group Members[edit]

Mike N.jpg

Mike Nesmith - Nesmith played lead guitar and was quite boring. After the Monkees disbanded, he eventually became distraught when he found his girlfriend Linda Ronstadt following to the beat of a Different Drum and was found living under a bridge, penniless.

Davy Jones - Davy once tried out for the Los Angeles Lakers at which point he realized he was very small and British. He sang and played tambourine, mostly because he was too stupid to play anything else. Joined the band after being kicked out of Pirates of the Carribbean. Now less active since his death in March 2012.

Peter Tork - Bass player and head assassin. He was known in CIA circles as Tork the Fork, as he often ate his victims after killing them.

Micky Dolenz - Tricky Micky was a drummer and master sleight-of-hand man. His signature move was performing a "pick a card, any card" trick before slicing his victims throats with a specially made Ace of Spades card.


"Sleepy" Jean - Jean was briefly with the band but due to her constant lateness, depression and attention issues, was let go before the first show.

D. W. Washburn - D.W. entered rehab, but left after 3 days and as of last report was feeling fine.

Their Music and Beatles connection[edit]

Spot the imposters! Those Scouse scallies...

The Monkees inspired many new groups that emulated the Monkees style. One that became popular in parts of the Midwest went by the name, The Beatles. Claiming to be from Liverpool, The Beatles were in fact from the Midwest. The Monkees provided them with songs they weren't allowed to perform in case the Bible Belt objected. Songs like Love Me ****, I Wanna Hold Your **** and ****! are now considered to be Lennon-McCartney classics when they were in fact composed by Davey Jones. As he came from Manchester, Jones had long ago rumbled The Beatles true identity as fake scousers.

The Monkees were expert musicians and song writers. They wrote most of the Beatles "White" album which was a metaphor relating to their heavy cocaine usage. Davy Jones briefly took over Beatles singing roles after the death of Paul McCartney in 1966, until a permanent replacement was found. The Beatles still perform many Monkees hits to this day. George Harrison once made a statement in 1982 saying 'We're better'.

Inventing the Internet[edit]

Scholars often point to the spelling of the Monkees name as the conception of the internet. While sitting around Harvard injecting crack, a young Bill Gates saw a Monkees album cover and thought "Dude, I should invent a machine that can spell check man" Gates soon died of syphilis, but roomates Billy Yahooski and Fred Googlestein heard Gates idea and went on the invent the computer.

The Breakup and Comebacks[edit]

Interpol mug shots

The group eventually broke up after it was discovered they contracted out many of the assassinations they had taking credit for. They got back together to perform music throughout the '80s and '90s, but only once did they assassinate together again (see CIA assassination.)

Both Davy Jones and Peter Tork both produced solo records, but unfortunately their mothers are the only ones who bought them. Micky Dolenz continued to assassinate for both the CIA, FBI and The Local 32J Plumbers and Pipe Fitters Union.

Little known facts about the Monkees:[edit]

1. Michael Nesmith's hat was used to cover an opening in his skull created when his brain was replaced with a mini-computer.

2. None of the Monkees actually believed in daydreams.

3. Due to a nervous disorder that limited his ability to control urination, the Peter Tork character was turned into a costume and used by many people to play his part on television, including Jimi Hendrix, Billy Shears and Patty Hearst. The original Tork moved to Canada, obtained a patent for Maple Syrup and is now a suspected member of the Illuminati.

4. There was one more train leaving Clarksville at 4:55, but reservations were not usually available.

5. Micky Dolenz, who suffered from painful split ends, had hair implants that were donated by Art Garfunkel, resulting in a huge bald spot on Garfunkel's forehead. The two haven't spoken in over 30 years.

6. Davy was making his living playing the irritating gecko in the Geico Insurance commercials. When Jones suddenly died, the company have since dropped the adverts (except for viewers in Missouri where news still travels slow.)

See Also[edit]