The Monster Inside Me

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

So my mom's in the living room, watching some reTARded Willie Nelson concert and I've already done my homework and my piece of shit dog's all following me around and I don't even care. I'm in the bathroom and on my way to pee I catch myself in the mirror and I'm like

Holy Shit[edit]

I see this look in my eye and I'm all like where did that come from? And before the urge to look away takes over I get this calling to keep staring so I'm just stuck looking at myself in the mirror, which is normal, but this time it's like my eyes are all fucking crazy and I'm like What the fuck is this? My heart starts beating fast and I get kind of hot and I feel scared but I don't know why and I'm wondering if I'm looking at myself or something else and it just keeps staring back. I still haven't peed and I gotta do it bad now so I open the medicine cabinet door, cause that's where the mirror is, and angle it so I can keep looking at myself I while walk over to the toilet.

So I'm pissing all over the floor and the door's still open[edit]

Cause I can't see what I'm doing and the dog comes in and I'm all like kicking the dog so he'll get off the pee but trying to be quiet because I didn't close the door and if my mom comes in and sees how crazy looking I am right now and the pee everywhere she's gonna be so mad.

Whatever it is it doesn't even care[edit]

So I'm all scared to be peeing with this thing watching me, but I really do have to pee and I can't stop looking but it doesn't even look like it cares.

So I ask it out loud and I'm like[edit]

Who are you?

And it's not saying anything but

Who are you?

And then I decide I'm gonna get tough so I flush the toilet and I realize how dry my eyes are because I've been staring and staring and I haven't blinked enough and now I'm blinking too much but I don't think it confuses all my blinking with fear because it knows that I'm confronting it even though I'm blinking too much.

So I don't really know what to say but I remember what everyone was saying to everyone else in Lost so I'm like:

What do you want?

And it just says,

What do you want?

The same time I do and I know it's my reflection, but it's like that thing is doing it with me and it makes me so angry that I grab these sunglasses off the counter and put them on because maybe that will contain it. And now I can't even see my eyes and I don't know if I can still see the monster inside me or if I just expect to see it and I'm making it up but now that I can't see the reflection of my eyes it doesn't even matter so I walk out of the bathroom with my sunglasses on and now I'm wondering...

How do I get the monster out?[edit]

And I remember hearing something about Aborigines (Native Americans from Australia) and how they were afraid that if someone took a picture of them they'd lose their soul so I go up to my mom and I'm like "Mom, will you take a picture of me?" and she's all like "Not now, honey, I'm watching Willie Nelson" and I'm all like "This is stupid," but I don't actually say that - I just want you to know that's what I really wanted to say. Then she's all like "Why are you wearing sunglasses?" and all I can say is "You wouldn't understand," so I walk away and I go into my mom's room to grab the camera and I think

Before I take the picture of myself I should check to see if the monster's still there[edit]

So I go back to the bathroom and the dog's in there licking the floor and I say "Eeew!" and start pushing the dog with my foot to get him out but he doesn't want to move and then he yelps and I'm like "Ugggh!" so I look back at the mirror and take off my sunglasses and SHIT - it's still there! I put the sunglasses back on, close the lid of the toilet and sit down. I take off the glasses, point the camera at myself and take a picture. I turn the camera around and push the green button and the picture's there on the screen and I'm looking at it and I can't tell whether or not the monster got caught in there so I zoom in and

THERE IT IS![edit]

I run to the mirror and I look normal again and I'm so excited and I know exactly what to do. I turn off the camera and take out the memory card and throw it in the trash so that monster will be gone forever and go put the camera back in my mom's room. She's still in the living room, watching Willie Nelson and I walk over and ask her "How do I look?" and she looks at me and says I look normal and my dad's just come home and he asks how everything's been going and my mom's like, "Good, I've just been watching Willie Nelson and the boy's been staring at himself in the mirror and taking pictures of himself all afternoon." And my dad laughs because he thinks my mom's making one of those "vanity" jokes and the dog runs up and he squats down to pet him and the dog's all licking him on the face and he has no idea that I just killed a monster.