The Muffin Man

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Frederic Lynwood
Themuffinman.jpg

Frederic Thomas Lynwood, photographed using Witchcraft.
Life: 1563 Yorkshire, England -
1612 Yorkshire, England*
Evil Scale Rating: 2 - Dumbass, Cook
Crimes: Murder, Baking
* His death was by accidental choking

His muffins suck. His pastries suck. He sucks.

~ Oscar Wilde on the Muffin Man

Frederic Thomas Lynwood (1563 - 1612) also known as the Muffin Man and The Drury Lane Dicer was England's first documented serial killer, accused of killing up to 15 children and seven rival pastry chefs during the years of 1589 to 1598.

His nickname The Muffin Man is actually a reference to how he committed the murders. By local folklore, it is said Frederic would tie a muffin to a string, and as a child tried to get it, he pulled the string, eventually luring the child to his house and giving him ample time to knock the child out with a wooden spoon. However, people often question whether these children actually died from being beaten with said wooden spoon or if the Muffin Man would kill them some other way.


Adult Life[edit]

Artist representation of the muffin man in his later years.

Several years later, with dementia setting in, Frederic would set up shop again, though this time he would encounter even more anger for such pastries as "glazed pagan", "arsenic apple crisp", and "the flaming friar". However, he was able to stay in business with these pastries until his death several years later. He will be known in infamy because of his killings.


However, Frederic was also tired of other chefs in town. In total he killed seven rival pastry chefs:

  1. Chef Randall: Drowned in brownie batter
  2. Chef William: beaten with a chancla
  3. Chef Carver: Too much "BAM!" with a matchlock
  4. Chef George: Flattened with pin
  5. Chef David: Cooked to a golden brown
  6. Chef Aaron: Shaked and Baked
  7. Chef Adam: Killed with a Gomez Addams after tripping over a Pestle

Incarceration[edit]

Frederic was eventually caught after a sneaking suspicion of foul play by the British police after the death of Chef Adam. He was arrested after a high-speed carriage chase as a result of one of his wheels breaking after running over a small stone in the dirt road. By orders of the King he was given a slightly painful slap on the wrist, and then he was set free, only to be pummeled by an angry mob several minutes later.he was murdered by one of the mothers who he'd killed her only son

Death[edit]

Several years after being pummeled by an angry mob, Frederic would be eating his dinner, when he decides to smash a cockroach with his fork, only to hit his hand, causing him to scream and choke on a dumpling. Frederic's neighbor attempted to resuscitate him using leeches, but it was too late, he was already dead for several hours. His mother held a funeral service for him two days later.So he danced in hell with Satan

Post Mortem[edit]

Frederic was buried face down in a log under a former British church, which in 1987 was torn down to make way for a McDonalds. The McDonalds would later go out of business after an incident involving an Egg McMuffin. The franchise would be replaced by a department store, which would be mysteriously burnt down after the construction of a cookie shop. Currently the area where Frederic is buried has returned to an undeveloped lot, but it is expected to be the site of a stadium for the 2014 world cup should the UK be able to host it. However, rumour has it he has risen again as a zombie and created a terrorist organisation known as GBM which he will use to reek his revenge.

Hansel and Gretel was inspired by Frederic after a terrible rumour gone awry after several decades of deformation

The Song[edit]

Here is a version of the song annotated in order to help you interpret the lyrics in the way originally intended by concerned parents centuries ago. Note: This interprettor Isaac Lynwood, a descendant of Frederic, rather than actual letters between parents detailing the interpretation of the song. It is generally accepted to be the actual meaning of the song.

Cquote1.png Do you know the muffin man/The muffin man/the muffin man? Cquote2.png

YOU WILL DIE. HE WILL EAT YOUR SPLEEN WITH HIS TENDON.

Cquote1.png He lives on drury lane. Cquote2.png

RUN AWAY, CHILDREN! RUN AWAY FROM THE PAIN!

So as you know the muffin man he is a horrible man. Also if you go to his bakery it says that you can still her al the children scream and then they will cook you alive because that is what they had done to the muffin man.

See Also[edit]

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