The Nanny state

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“Bloody Nanny state ... Immigrants ... Blacks ... Queers ... God Bless The Queen ... Diana truly was the Queen of hearts”

~ The Daily Mail, pick a day, pick a column, pick a sentence
The Nanny State
Nanny state.jpg
Political ideology Prevention of any possibility of anything happening to anyone.
Color(s) Purple
Country UK
Race WASPs
Duration 1994-present
Motto "Nanny knows best."
Founder WI of Hampshire

The Nanny State is a dictatorship government run by a collection of the worlds most threatening grannies. It currently rules Britain, from its seat at the Women's Institute of Hampshire. Since their rise to power in 1994, following the Chesham Putsch, they have outlawed pretty much everything sharp or naked.


The National Socialist Septagenarian Knitting Persons Party, as it was then known, published it's manifesto in 1993, on the eve of the failed New York Putsch (wrong time, wrong place, as they were run off the streets by a gay pride parade). Here are some choice claims from it:

  • No Pen knives.
  • No stories involving racism, drugs, sex, nudity, soap, guns, violence, food, animals, sport, French or anything to be given to children.
  • No Films involving racism, drugs, sex, nudity, soap, guns, violence, food, animals, sport, French or anything to be shown to children.
  • No Slingshots, bazookas, balls suitable for throwing, loose objects that can be thrown or anything that can be induced to move.
  • No Lead soldiers.
  • No Exoplanets. Allowed in the meeting rooms.
  • No Religious media except for Christian media incorporating ethnic themes.
  • No Welsh.


People who gained from the system are mostly wheel-chair bound or otherwise crippled children who cannot enjoy old-fashioned outdoor activities, and so who gain from restriction of access to said activities for everyone else, as they feel less left out. Stevie from Malcolm in the Middle is a good example, but he lives outside the dictatorship. Idiotic children, indistinguishable from all other children according to Nanny State Propaganda, have died less often since the Nanny state came to power.

The old women who were originally supportive are now less so, as a backlash has led to a large amount of bored teenagers wearing hoodies, which as we all know can only lead to widespread death, and hanging around outside Londis.


The nanny state has failed to win the hearts and minds of the population and as such have many opponents to their cause.

Opponents fall mainly into the following two groups:

  • Grumpy old men e.g. "It's the bloody nanny state again, I'm going to write a book about it: The Dangerous Book For Boys"
  • Children e.g. "I wish to take LSD, but I cannot, despite all politicians doing so, this. I fear, it's another attack of the nanny state."

Comparison with the French[edit]

As we all know, French children never take drugs, drink, have sex, shoot each other, ride scooters, watch television, own toys or eat pasta. This is because they are not ruled by the Nanny State. From an early age, parents will give their children small amounts of crack cocaine with their meals so that they get used to it. Also, French television is awful so children are obliged to study for their Baccalaureat. Furthermore, although French children either dress like tiny sailors or like British children did 12 years ago, they always look stylish. Reason? No acne. The Nanny state causes acne, due to the constant state of fear it induces in the population.

Many of the grumpy old men mentioned above believe in installing the French system, so as to delay consummation of teen romances and allow boys to climb trees, mow lawns and generally work themselves into a sweat in those tight little shorts. Oh yes, those supple little frames and... Shoot, they've gone round the corner, nevermind, they'll be back, I'll offer them some candy (I say candy, but I mean sweets).

Hang on, can I stop you there[edit]

Mr writer, you seem to have been writing about something that really only applies to the middle classes, ignoring the fact that a working class child, by the age of six, has handled more guns than an Afghanistani 3 year old. I suggest you revise your opinion, as the Nanny state only exists in the minds of the Middle class, like Deism. Cease to make these gross generalisations please, as you mislead all and ignore the cultural richness we gain from ethnic people in the working class. Woe betide anyone who tries to impose the Middle class regime upon the working class for we would lose Ali G, Rap Music, Supermarket staff, Chlamydia and countless other cultural diversities.