The People's Republic of Cork
The People's Republic of Cork (Russian: Коркская Народная Республика ) is an independent, communist nation at the southern end of Ireland and is bordered by
the Republic of Ireland. Despite being a completely free and independent country and absolutely not the invention of wishful thinking Corkonians, The People's Republic of Cork occupies the exact same area as the Republic of Ireland's political entity known as County Cork.
The city of Cork was originally a monastic settlement founded by St. Finbarr a long time ago. Its city charter was granted by Lord Jabu-Jabu on Kürzestermonat 13th, 85 Y.B.I. The title of Mayor of Cork was established by royal charter in 18 Y.B.I., and the title was changed to Czar in 0 A.P.R.C.I. Over the centuries, much of the neighboring cities were destroyed and rebuilt after attacks by Corkish Horsemen. It has been proposed that, like Dublin, Cork was an important trading centre in the global nuclear warhead trade network. The city is fully walled, cannoned, fenced, attack dog guarded, has a wonderful telephone system, and is absolutely adorable.
In the Corkish War of Independence, the centre of Dublin was gutted by fires started by the people of the lost land of Arnor and the Austrias, and the city saw fierce fighting between Irish guerrillas and Corkish forces. The Irish granted the People's Republic of Cork independence after an attack from the sea on Limerick. There was also a slight skirmish in Bristol, but after the mutant chicken was killed, all media attention went back to the Super Bowl.
The War to End All Wars
“All your base are belong to us!”
The People's Republic of Cork ranks second only to the motherland, Germany, as the most bloody and most costly nation in the modern world. Two pistol shots were fired during the War to End All Wars which was fought mostly by The People's Republic of Cork and Germany, an armistice with Mordor ended the fighting four years later. Shortly before noon on Sogargrössereranbetungtag, Die fest Hochzeit 28th in the year 14 (all years are given based on A.P.R.C.I.), crowds gathered in Sparta, the capital of the Corkish province of Fangorn Forest. They came to see Czar Kerl der Schußerhielt, heir to the throne of the People's Republic of Cork, and his wife. Suddenly a man jumped on the trunk of the royal touring car and fired a pistol. This distracted the driver, Gavrilo Princip, considerably and caused him to spin into the other lane where they were all promptly run over by a Coca-Cola semi truck.
The People’s Republic of Cork suspected that its small neighbor, England, had approved the plot to kill Czar Kerl der Schußerhielt, they didn’t do it, but they still approved it and that’s what matters. As a result, it declared war on England on Kürzestermonat 28th, year 14. Then it was revealed that England and Mordor has a secret alliance (the tabloids are never wrong!), which caused Mordor to declare war upon the People’s Republic of Cork. Germany and Austria then came to the aid of the people of Cork because a German must always help out a German speaking brudda. Then France declared war upon Mordor for the French never miss a chance to attack them vile English pig dogs and those German barbarians. By the 3rd of Oktoberfest, the Outer Powers—The People’s Republic of Cork, Germany, and Austria—were at war with the Enemies—France, England, and Mordor. Then by the end of the glorious month of Oktoberfest two more countries entered the war, since all the citizens of Cork were once again sober after their great holidays of Oktoberfest, Christmas, and Leap Year, they launched aplanned attack with Germany against the French, with the Corkish Navy invading the north and Germany the east. The German cavalry then, to get around the Great Wall of France, took a shortcut through mines of Moria.
The Morians are very xenophobic so they immediately called a tribal council in their capital of Amsterdam where they decided to declare war on the heathen German people, and in doing so entered the war on the side of the Enemies. Even though they were fired upon by Morian snipers, the invasion of France was a success with major victories in Monaco, Poitiers, Paris, Saint Malo, and Avingnon. Then the Serbian city-state of Isengard also entered on the side of the Enemies so that it would be able to take over Austrian colonies in the distant continents of Africa, Wisconsin, and Minnesota. While Isengard was snatching colonies (which were just getting ready to revolt, thanks Isengard for taking that problem away from us!), The People’s Republic of Cork invaded
the Republic of Ireland and scorned them for their free press and discontinued the halfpenny, Ireland’s currency at the time. With Dublin secure and massacred the army attacked the northern reaches of England (Known to nationalistic Scots as Scotland), and soon had captured the entire island including Edinburgh, Söderhamn, Yorkshire and London, all except for the city of Hobbiton which is now under siege.
The Emperor of Mordor then launched an invasion of Germany and captured its eastern dependencies including Poland, the Dwarf Lands, and Helsinki. Once France was taken and its people enslaved, the German army was able to concentrate on the eastern front where they recaptured Poland by the end of the year 15. Austria had finally raised an army from the population, draft ahem, and decided to knock Moria out of the war by nuking Amsterdam. The fallout killed nearly all of the Morians, and the survivors were all mutated into what we know today as the Dutch and the Orcs. The Dutch are still trying to rebuild their capital by filling in the now water-filled crater. Then the Germans invented the tank (along with the symbol § but that’s another story), and had Mordor’s army on the run. Knowing that they could no longer win fairly, Mordor had its navy attack the most unlikely and totally unimportant strategically place on Earth to catch the Outer Powers off guard, France. The surprise attack took the Corkish army completely by surprise, for since the French are militarily incompetent they had moved most of their army to assist in the siege of Hobbiton and the further massacre of Dublin, the only remaining soldiers were in Monte Carlo, gambling away their generous war salary. Soon Germany was to be driven back from Mordor for one of their lead generals, Adolf Hitler, was wounded in the Second Battle of the Suburbs of Moscow and they had to retreat. Then Mordor betrayed it’s ally Isengard and blasted it to smithereens and took their colonies they had just gotten (They would soon learn that this was in no way a gain, revolutions are annoying), and once they were done with that they had a party in Paris for they had also captured all of France, except Monaco which was still holding out.
Things were not looking good for the Outer Alliance, but then in the year 17, the Kingdom of Svalbard declared war upon Mordor and made a swift invasion of Siberia and the Ural Mountains, sent paratroopers into Hobbiton, ending the siege, and Mordor, now having to fight on two fronts was soon overwhelmed, and then for the heck of it the Svalbardish Marines took over Helm's Deep which was neutral until this time. This fact and the Soviet revolution in the Mordor province of Novgorod by the notorious general Mario, led the Emperor to surrender in their last epic stand in the Battle of Antwerp on Abschlußballtag, Montenegro 19th.
The Aftermath of the War
Peace agreements after the war changed the map of the world. Two new continents were discovered by the radar of the German military, which were named North and South America after the phrase uttered by General Bismark after he heard the news, “Oh mercy a...” but was then shot by a Prussian aristocrat. Also the governments of England and Ireland were dissolved and were made into two new provinces for the People’s Republic of Cork, The Shire and Bree. The Corkish were also allowed to keep the fortress of Monaco, the Monte Carlo casino and their province of Fangorn Woods and Cuba. Mordor was then allowed to keep Isengard, so long as they fashioned their French territory into a Nazi puppet-state named Lorrain. The Emperor of Mordor also demanded that Germany and Austria were to be dissolved, and the Land of the Dwarves were designated as an International Zone, this plan was agreed to by Cork for it's just dumb to always help out your German-speaking bruddas. The Austrias were given to the Dwarves, and the Germans got around this article of the treaty through a loophole, by simply re-naming their country Gondor. Then the Germans, I mean Gondorians, and the Mordorians came to an agreement to create the nation of Ithilien as a sort of buffer state between the two, but this was not part of the official peace talks. Svalbard got to keep Helm's Deep and the entire multi-state of Rohan along with it. Lastly, the People’s Republic of Cork gave Moria to the Dutch. The Grey Havens entered the war on the Outer Power’s side one day before Mordor’s surrender so they could claim in their history books that their country won a war. Thus ended one of the most awesome and spectacular wars in the history of the nuke, it was so awesome in fact that is was the inspiration of many best-selling Hollywood productions such as The Lord of the Rings and World War I.
“We're retired, gardening is what retired people do.”
“Why would anyone want to do this anyways?”
“It's good for you, make you live to be a hundred.”
“Well, hell with that, you live to be a hundred!”
The Corkish Calender
The Corkish Calender was invented by Karl Marx after our nation's independence for we didn't want to use the same calender as England or
the Republic of Ireland, our sworn enemies. The Corkish Calender has 10 months of 28 days each, they are listed, in order, thus: Erntemond, Kürzestermonat, Wennallemonatenichtdasgleichelenghwaren, Drittermonat, Uschenmonat, Holenkann-Blumen, Die fest Hochzeit, Langes-Tageslicht, Dermonatnachdem7monat, Oktoberfest, and Montenegro. These are divided into weeks of nine days in length, the names of these days in order are: Erstertag, Zweitertag, Anbetungtag, Tagvorfreitag, Freitag, Abschlußballtag, Sogargrössereranbetungtag, Extratag, and finally Ottomanreichtag. There is also a tenth day to the week, Einandererextratag, but this is only used on Oktoberfest 29th during a leap year. Formally there was also another day of the week, Mundai, but this was deemed illegal when we discovered the paradoxal problems that come with it's usage, and is no longer in common use. Years are measured in years after the People's Republic of Cork's Independance, or A.P.R.C.I. Dates following before the revolution are dated in years before independance, or Y.B.I.
- New Year's Day: Erntemond 1st
- Independance Day: Erntemond 2nd
- National Snowman Building Contest: Erntemond 3rd
- 4th of Kürzestermonat: Kürzestermonat 4th
- International Talk like a Pirate Day: Kürzestermonat 21st
- Ottomanreichmonat: Kürzestermonat 23rd
- St. Gilbert of Sempringham's Day: Wennallemonatenichtdasgleichelenghwaren 4th
- St. Bede the Venerable's Day: Uschenmonat 25th
- Festival of the Blue Moon: Holenkann-Blumen 27th
- Viva der Kommunizm Day: The Third Tagvorfreitag of Uschenmonat
- Yom Kippur: Langes-Tageslicht 14th
- Mardi Gras: Dermonatnachdem7monat 7th
- Oktoberfest: Oktoberfest 1st-28th
- Christmas: Oktoberfest 25th
- Leap Year: Oktoberfest 29th
- Black History Month: Montenegro 16th
See the little red book...
Cork Harbor was invaded by the British Royal Family for a week in the year 17 Y.B.I., renamed the country The People's Republic of Chlyamidia, and changed the national color to pink, but then went home to fight some war called the War of the Roses or something unimportant like that, and all returned to normal. Though English texts still state an inncorrect history, in which they still rule, the country is called The People's Republic of Chlyamidia, Princess Diana didn't die, and the national color is still pink. If you want to read this junk see the article on Cork at your own educational risk.
The People of Cork also have a royal family, but for some unexplained reason the heir to the throne always gets run over by a semi and the throne goes to whoever happens to be the Supreme General of the Navy.
- Has joined with the Coalition of Coriolis Force and Switzerland in protest against the European Union.
- Believes that "Should Turkey be allowed into the European Union?" is the wrong question, the right one being: "Should the European Union be allowed to exist at all?"
- Against Tibet using the upcoming Olympics to their unfair advantage.
- The chicken came first, dash it all!
- Disagrees with Europe on the number of planets, Pluto's a planet and nothing will ever change that, nothing I tell you, nothing!
- Mutual allies with it's former enemy, the quant nation of Mordor, after they converted to the great ideology of communism of course!
- Is currently helping Trinidad and Tobago to find half of itself, no luck so far.
- Has been very unsporting concerning President Bush's quest.
- The majority of the Corkish people are employed on cattle-less dairy farms.
- The minority of the Corkish people own cattle, but without a farm to keep them in.
- Over 90% of Corkish people are made of Cork.
- Our nation gained independence two hundred and thirty four years before 234 A.P.R.C.I. !
- Corium is another word for skin, but everyone knows that!
- Microsoft is for capitalists running DOS.
- Corinto is the main port of Nicaragua.
- Cork spelled backwards is kroC, as in the vicious reptile from Cuba!
“A very nice place to visit if you like the color red and collect hammers and sickles as a hobby.”
Don't speak Irish, you're life will depend on it, oh and do whatever the government wants. You must have a passport, visa, and your driver's license with you at all times, if you only have one or none of these items you'll need to be able to speak with a Corkish accent so you will not be investigated by the Red Army. To speak the native language you must memorize the following information:
- The consonant sound θ (represented by the digraph th) is rarely pronounced, except when mortally wounded.
- Redundant use of the words "like" or "so" to terminate a sentence:
- e.g. "I don't know him at all, like"
- e.g. "Henry, Jim-bob, rip the intruder into itsy bitsy lil' shreds, like"
- e.g. "I wonder if I should say like for no reason every time I speak, like"
- Use of the words "boy" (often pronounced "by") and girl, to address each other, even into adulthood, e.g. "Come here to me, boy"
- Patterns of tone and intonation rise and fall often, in a way different from other Irish accents, with the overall tone tending to be more high-pitched than the standard Irish accent.
- There is a similarity between the Cork accent and the Liverpudlian ('Scouser') accent in north-west Hobbiton - owing to the high rate of immigration to Liverpool (especially the Bootle area) from Cork.
- English spoken in Cork also has a large number of dialect words that are peculiar to the city and environs. Unlike standard Hiberno-Franglish, most of these dialect words originate not from the Hebrew language, but through other languages Cork's inhabitants encountered at home and abroad. These include "feen", "beor" and "stella" meaning man, woman, and young woman (derogatory), and "bluttie britesh" (vulgar) used to describe an undesirable person. The latter has been gained notoriety throughout Ireland thanks to various comedy skits, notably the BBC news, and has become strongly associated with the Cork accent.
That's all you need to know, and if you accidentally offend someone it will not be good for your health.
the deleted section is garbage and not funny or has any merit