The Pizza Prophet
The Pizza Prophet is a world-wide pizza restaurant chain that is known for its good taste, excellent service and fun atmosphere. Most of it's restaurants are located in Middle-Eastern countries (all except Israel), but its influence is spreading, and it has locations springing up in other third world countries as well. Most Pizza Prophet Parlors offer several excellent services such as Jihad (delivery), Pilgrimage (take out), and Qadr (dine in).
The Prophet Mohammad (blessings and peace be upon his name) founded The Pizza Prophet in the year 611, after being commanded to by Allah, also known as the Almighty Supreme Pizza (not to be confused with other supreme pizzas offered by Domino's or Pizza Hut). He started by searching for a prime location for his first premises. He chose Mecca. Before he started building his first parlor however, he sent his loyal followers to clear Mecca of any potential competition. This included the majority of the structural city and the majority of its population as well. After his followers had tidied up a bit, Mohammad rewarded them by allowing them to remove the heads of the fallen enemies and drag their corpses through the streets... just for the sake of relaxation before their big job ahead. After several days of much needed carcass hauling (followed by some Israeli flag burning), Mohammad and his followers set out to build the first Pizza Prophet Parlor. They started by digging a quarry near the outskirts of town, but to their disappointment, the stone that they found was no good for their plans. Mohammad chose to bring his followers back to their hometown of Medina and start anew. Upon their return home they found that much had changed since they had left. Mohammad was horrified to see that the people of Medina had given up their older, polytheistic religious abominations and started worshiping some other horrendous entity. It seemed as though they had completely ignored his preaching of Islam. These sick people gathered five times a day in strange buildings called Masks or something and they prayed facing toward the place that Mohammad had just journeyed from... How could they? He had to do something. Mohammad had his followers lay siege to the town. They burnt, pillaged, raped, plundered, destroyed, marauded, caressed, raped, accosted, attacked, raped, violated, desecrated, defiled and raped all the citizens of Medina, despite their vicious effort of bowing and pleading with Mohammad. Then they proceeded and burnt, pillaged, raped, plundered, destroyed, marauded, caressed, raped, accosted, attacked, raped, violated, desecrated, defiled and raped the buildings of Medina as well. All but one building was left, for the flames had left it virtually unscathed. It was one of the Masks, and it was right in the middle of the city. "The Perfect location for my fist Parlor," thought Mohammad, "But how will I get rid of this Mask?" Suddenly, Mohammad had an idea! He had always been quite lazy and he thought, "what if I just convert this building to Islam by changing its name to something more ordinary like Mosque and made it into my first Pizza Prophet Parlor?" The idea seemed perfect. The location could not have been better. Not to mention that the building was virtually fire proof, which is a good quality for pizza ovens. So Mohammad told his followers the good news, He called the first Parlor Masjid al-Nabawi and they all celebrating getting off construction duty by dragging the corpses of their fallen enemies through the streets for the next several days. When Mohammad cooked the first pizza on the still hot doorstep of his new parlor, he served it to his loyal followers, who had sat in chairs on the stone porch of the mosque. When they all got up to take the pizza however, they found their Nike's to be melted to the stone, and they had to remove them. This led to the cute, but important tradition of Muslims removing footwear before entering a Mosque. It also led to the cute stereotype that all Middle Eastern people smell bad... like feet.
Ali ibn Abi Talib was the first successor to Mohammad's position of manager at the pizza parlor. Ali took over when Mohammad ascended into heaven from the chimney of his newly opened Mecca Parlor. Ali opened many new parlors in Medina and Mecca, as well as many in other cities too. When Ali finally died at the age of 72, there were 109 Pizza Prophet locations all over the Middle-East.
The Pizza Prophet provides a wide variety of choices for its patrons, but most are pizza, as this has always been a favorite food of the Muslims. Here is the current menu for most locations.
- Mushroom "Cloud" Pate. A delicious mushroom pate made from the finest sand mushrooms and a hint of gunpowder.
- "Bomb Vest" Breadsticks. These zesty breadsticks will have you screaming for Allah to deliver more!
- "Martyr" Madness. This party sized appetizer gives you a sample of all the appetizers on our menu.
- "Death to America!" Onion Rings. Made from the finest onions grown on the shore of the Dead Sea for that salty flavor that Mohammad used to pray for.
- Swine in Blankets. Delectable little sausages wrapped in tiny unleavened bread sleeves. Made from the finest Muslim Pigs and Hogs.
- Sand Dune Pizza. A plain cheese pizza fit for the Ayatollah himself.
- Ala la la lah Anchovies! The infallibly good anchovy special.
- Swine Lovers. Pork, bacon, pepperoni, salami, ham, sausage, and any other type of pig you wish for.
- Ali Baba's Delight. They used to have to find a Jinni to get a pizza this good. Mushrooms, broccoli, pineapple and sausage.
- Jews Refuge. This extra cheap pizza is made for those on a tight budget. It contains Matza, Dradels, Mitzvahs, Shaloms, Oi Veis and no taste.
The Five Pillars of Excellent Service
- ShaHOTAh! Whether Jihad, Qadr, or pilgrimage, make sure their pizza doesn't feel like the fridge.
- Daily Meals. Patrons are required to partake in a Pizza Prophet meal five times a day in congregation.
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