The Plot to Kill Cupid
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It was a very cold and overcast day that Star Wars and I set off on our expedition to hunt down and kill Cupid. It was entirely our decision – I will confess this from the outset. Although later on the media and certain government agencies attempted to make it appear that we did not act alone I tell you most strenuously that Star Wars and I conspired to kill that fucker Cupid and nobody pulled our strings.
It was some months before that we began plotting to assassinate Cupid. Of course we needed weapons so we contacted our good old friend in the arms industry Johnny Toomuch. He brought around for us a very impressive weapons cache – all the goodies you would expect for a mission of this magnitude, c-4 plastic explosive, remote control detonators, uzis (all equipped with laser scopes and silencers) plus an assortment of handguns and flame throwers. He even threw in a couple of laser guided bombs but that was just been fucking stupid. How the fuck were we going to carry them? And you can have all the laser guided bombs in the world but how would we drop them on the enemy without a plane? Throw them?
After that we found ourselves a few recipes for napalm and pipe bombs off the internet and our arsenal was complete.
Two days into our voyage and we found ourselves getting pissed off with each other, mainly because we had constant arguments over who was going to carry the laser guided bomb which Star Wars insisted we bring ‘just in case.’ Finally we solved this problem, we built a quaint little sledge to carry it on and stole a couple of alsatians from the local constabulary to haul it for us. A couple of times we were pulled over by the police who apparently thought it odd that we were hauling a laser guided bomb through the streets on a sledge but we explained that we were card carrying members of the Labour party and that seemed to satisfy them.
On day 10 of our mission we picked up a radar signal that told us that Cupid was doing his insidious work in a village not far from where we were. Now of course the popular image of Cupid is that he is a cute, boyish figure who roams the valleys with a bow and arrow. It is true that he is a rather boyish figure, and yes he also does in fact own a bow and arrow – several of them in fact. Cupid has done a good job of misinformation as regarding this popular conception. However Cupid is a sinister little demon. He trained for his unique role by running up and down the side of the universe backwards while chanting the table of elements in Pentecostal languages. He is a malevolent personality with a comic taste rooted in the macabre and the esoteric. All of which makes for a really great story.
Cupid laid out
Well it could have been a great story, the trouble is that when we came across Cupid in the restaurant in the High Street chowing down on his vegetable soup and garlic bread we smoked his ass. In cold blood. No messing around - bullet in the brain. I wanted to go for the heroic touch but I had noticed that the Villa were playing Arsenal on Sky later on and I wanted to catch some shut eye before the game came on. As we left the restaurant to choruses of "O My God, they killed Cupid!" Star Wars became irritable. "It was my turn to do the kill shot. You know it was – you cheated me. And look at all these weapons and we did not get to use any of them!" And when we got back outside he was so hype for some killing that he grabbed the laser guided bomb off the sledge and hurled it into the restaurant reducing a whole block to smoldering debris "just in case there was any infection from Cupid before he terminated." I thought this excuse was a little weak and told him so. I mean he had probably just notched up a body count of innocents that made for a good night's entertainment on the news. And then one of the alsatians got loose and ran down the street. The other one that was still tied up ran after it hauling the sledge through an open air market destroying several stalls and shitting everywhere. And then on the way home I saw a hedgehog eating a worm. What a day.