The Presidential Battle Royale of 1975

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The Presidential Battle Royale of 1975
Conflict The Presidential Battle Royale of 1975
Date 19752000
Place Washington DC
Result • Election of George W. Bush as President
• Death of 15 former Presidents.
Major Combatants
Calvin Coolidge Coalition

Tom Cruise Loyalists

Pinko Commie Revolutionaries

George W. Bush

The Presidential Battle Royale of 1975 (1975-2000) cost the lives of 35 former Presidents, and greatly affected the United States of America. It is unknown how many combatants were in this conflict, but according to official estimations, roughly 3 million participated at one time.

This conflict was the culimination of failed US foreign policy, and led to several smaller conflicts both in the United States and abroad.


As Tom Cruise failed miserably as President, Calvin Coolidge sought to retake the presidency. Although well into his 900's, he was still in his prime and eloquently convinced a band of militia to join him, forming the Calvin Coolidge Coalition

Charles Nelson Reilly was elected president in 1971, ousting Tom Cruise. Despite the original reason being removed, Coolidge formed an alliance with the new president and began to eliminate Cruise's supporters.

Major Combatants[edit]

  • Calvin Coolidge Coalition

The Calvin Coolidge Coalition was the aggressor in The Presidential Battle Royale of 1975 , and was led by, of all people, Calvin Coolidge. Their original goal was to oust President Tom Cruise, but after Charles Nelson Reilly was elected president, their new goal was to destroy any remnants of Wilde's support. Members of this Coalition Included Coolidge, Reilly, and Stan Smith.


With the death of President JFK at the hands of Lyndon Baines Johnson in 1975, the Presidential Battle Royal launched into full swing. The Democrats and Liberals divided down the middle and battle claimed the Senate for 13 days.

1200 Liberals and Democrats fight to the death using lethal porridge-filled pillows.

Coolidge Gains Ground[edit]

Calvin Coolidge quickly became a war hero, after he and his Coalition defeated 33 of his predecessors, all but Tom Cruise. He also attempted to take down LBJ, but only severely wounded him. Another champion was Charles Nelson Reilly, the President at the time, managed to fend off 17 Liberal Extremists. He was later captured, and held in a camp for several years. He blinked his coordinates in morse code during the hostage video in 1983, after which his location was bombed on order of CIA Agent Stan Smith. He survived, albeit very badly burned.

Battle of Baton-Rouge[edit]

After Charles Nelson Reilly victoriously escaped from the rubble of the former Liberal headquarters, he vowed to destroy the decepticon party if it was the last thing in his political career. In 1983, Charles Nelson Reilly sent his personal agent, Stan Smith to round up and execute any Decepticon sympathisers. In 1991, a battle hardened Charles Nelson Reilly met with the unnamed leader of the Decepticon Party. This unnamed leader agreed to end the war, with the Decepticon Party being fully disbanded. Although Victorious, Charles Nelson Reilly had lost his popularity and unanimous admiration he had previously enjoyed. Armed rebels, including the Pinko Commie Revolutionaries formed as a result.

Cruise's Support Wanes[edit]

By the late 1980's, the Tom Cruise Loyalists had effectively been destroyed. After years of humiliating defeats, recruitment failed to reach goals by over 70%. The loyalists officially disbanded their army in 1989. The Calvin Coolidge Coalition continued the fighting, however, and expanded the battle on to anyone who got in their way.

Pinko Commie Revolt[edit]

Bill Clinton leads his rebels to victory

As the war ravaged on for over a decade, with no clear end, or purpose, some saw to it to protest the war.

This led to the Pinko Commie Revolt of 1992, which propelled Bill Clinton to the world scene. Bill Clinton became known as an accomplished terrorist, and eventually struck the heartland of America several times. His loyal Pinko Commies followed suit, and several hundred million Americans died at the hands of his forces.

In their most daring move, The Pinko Commie Revolutionaries took over a school bus and warned they would drive it into a fire hydrant if President Charles Nelson Reilly did not show up and negotiate. President Reilly, defeated and humiliated shows up and agreed to meet their terms. Bill Clinton demanded they have a thumb wrestling match, and they had one. It was carried on all the major television networks (ranked #4 in all time ratings as of 2005). Bill Clinton defeated the President, and Reilly retired in a state of utter disgrace, Wisconsin. Bill Clinton took over the Presidency, vowing to end the war.

Anthropologists speculate if Calvin Coolidge had arrived in time, he could have saved Reilly from being overthrown.

The Clinton Years[edit]

Under President Bill Clinton, The Presidential Battle Royale of 1975 began to turn against Coolidge for the first time. Although Reilly had taken a large hit, Coolidge had not only survived the 80's and early 90's, but thrived. But Bill Clinton began to root out his support, and slowly but surely eliminate the Calvin Coolidge Coalition.

Even though the war was turning, President Clinton failed to completely eliminate the coalition.

End of an Era[edit]

As the war entered its 25th year, the aging Calvin Coolidge finally met his match. George W. Bush defeated him in Calvin's final duel, in which Bush disarmed Coolidge and stole his trademark deadly razor gauntlets, then slicing Coolidge into 3 fully functioning parts. Calvin was later pushed off the Kinzua Bridge in Pennsylvania in a triple homicide.

This stunning accomplishment led to George Bush's victory in the 2000 presidential election, which in turn brought an end to The Presidential Battle Royale of 1975.

See Also[edit]