The Project

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Initiated in May of 1996 by the United States of Canada government, and with the cooperation of Kraft Co., The Project, or Project Alpha, is an ongoing program of euthanasia targeting the economically-draining mentally handicapped population; it was, and still is, head by Hienrich Himmler. Its predecessor, Operation Pure Crimson, attempted to utilize the physical abilites of those with an IQ less than 75 by hooking them up to power generators; but the tendency of the workers to fornicate and be otherwise unproductive on the job forced the government to explore more extreme measures of purification. Project Alpha was proposed by Conservative MP Stephen Harper in March of '96, and was passed by both houses without difficulty. Seeing as though opposition to The Project was made up of the very people whom it would target, their intelligence level prevented them from organizing any sort of effective resistence.

Euthanization Methods[edit]

Unconfirmed photograph of an "Xmas Retard Burning". If you look closely, you can see the outline of SATAN's face in the flames.
An example of the Shwerller-Hwartz test, the subject was asked to draw a firetruck.

The majority of the mentally handicapped who are put down, are done so in large gas chambers or blast furnances; however a small number of the subjects are chosen for public demonstrations such as burning at the stake and stonings. These public events are generally held on holidays such as Christmas (the annual burning of the retard on the X-mas tree draws huge crowds in every city and town) or Easter and generate huge profits for the government, so much so in fact that the income tax rate in the United States of Canada has decreased by 5% over the past 9 years as a direct result.

The more effecient, and less public (you can still pay to watch, but it costs more and can be described as boring), executions are done on several military bases within the heart of Canada, such as the Cold Lake and Suttfield CFBs.

A person can be targeted for euthanization at the age of 18 preceding the administration of an IQ test, and generally the target is removed within the year. The test itself involves a written portion, similar to that of any normal IQ test, and a Shwerller-Hwartz apptitude test (see below-right picture), designed to weed out those who may have cheated. Exceptions to the IQ rule include the children of MPs and those physically capable of joining the military as mine field clearers (this is not much of an exception however). The standards of the IQ test are as follows:

  • 0-25 - Severely Retarted, euthanization
  • 26-50 - Moderately Retarted, euthanization
  • 51-75 - Mildly Retarted, euthanization
  • 75-90 - Stupid, severe job restrictions
  • 91-110 - Below Average, job restrictions
  • 111-200 - Acceptable, no restrictions

Command Structure[edit]

The Project is a joint venture controlled by both the Department of Defense (DoD) and the Immigration Office. Below the ministers of these departments (who are currently General E. Lee and J. Edgar Hoover respectively) the command structure is as follows:

  • Project Head: Hienrich Himmler
    • Chief of Research and Development: Oscar Mier Openhiemer the 2st
      • Undersecretary of R&D: Tobby Toadstoolsample
        • VP of Marketing and Analysis: Ruby Bunksock
        • VP of Chemical Engineering: Sean Jean MacTinkerbell
        • VP of Gaschamber Building: Lugenshnarf Shpeckletart 3nd
    • Enforcement Squad Chief: John D.G. E. M. MacDiefenbaker
      • Lietenant of Handicap Roundups: Mr. T
      • Killer Shark Trainer: Anclepoo Kindafunnyname

The Future of the Project[edit]

Mr T, preparing to round up the 'tards. Picture stolen from the Mr T article. Sorry.

As previously mentioned, no serious opposition to The Project exists, however as the number of retards grows as a result of Global Warming, the euthanization method may become uneconomical, and a return to the old ways will be in hand. Of course the "old ways" will be modified, no longer will government funded care for the insane/stupid be provided, and the sterelization of the handicapped will still be enforced, as with the sterelization of the parents of the handicapped. There has even been discussion of expanding The Project's parameters to include those with physical disabilities of a restrictive nature, however a comprehensive review of this suggestion is certainly in order given the fact that many severely physically handicapped people can still perform tasks of a mental nature. Aside from these possible future obstacles, the horizon looks bright for the USC's economy, with a huge decrease of energy being spent on those with "special needs", funds may finally be deverted to the areas it is most needed, the arts.

Related Articles[edit]

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