The Racial Draft

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The Screen Shot from the Event

The Racial Draft, or Dave Chappelle's Racial Draft, is a controversial allocating system that first took place in October 2004. Dave Chappelle and Tiger Woods are credited with coming up with the system in order to settle debates about who belonged to which race. Since 2004, another racial draft was held in 06-06-06, 2006, another on July 4, 2007; on November 4, 2008; December 31, 2009 turning into [[January 1, 2010 and finally, September 11, 2011.

Origins[edit]

Dave Chappelle and hetero-life mate, Wayne Brady, were coming up with ways to call Drew Carey a cracka and tipping cows. Somewhere between saltine fat boy and collapsing 300 pounds of ground beef, came an argument whether or not Tiger Woods was Asian or Black. The debate would result in Chappelle calling Woods himself to settle the dispute. A conflicted Tiger Woods was unsure himself. The end results warranted Chappelle and Woods to settle the debate by establishing a draft.

The Setup[edit]

Dave Chappelle took it upon himself to handpick every member of each racial delegation. He ran into problems selecting a spokesman for the white delegation. Chappelle insisted that he accept the duties and donned whiteface for the job.

Tiger Woods used his contacts within ESPN to setup television coverage for the event. ESPN was originally slated to air the event, but public outcry from the Professional Golf Association and the Ku Klux Klan led to ESPN passing on the project.

After the pass by ESPN, Woods and Chappelle put the project on hiatus. With the success of Chappelle's variety hour on Comedy Central, he decided to use his contacts at the network to get the draft on air. Comedy Central refused but did say that it was a funny idea. Chappelle gave the network a decision to air the draft or he would pull out of his contract. Comedy Central gave in but said that there would be no promotion and adverstisement for the draft.

Delegations Members[edit]

Whites

Blacks

Latinos

Jews

  • Swiss Financial Bank

Asians

The Draft[edit]

In the latter part of the second season of Chappelle's Show, the draft aired in a one hour special. Several ESPN broadcasters partook in commentating for the event.

The 2004 Racial draft was held in the Staples Center in Los Angeles, the most racially "integrated" (er...divided) major city in the country. A race riot broke out like always in the dark side of the town the "South side", followed by angry white men beating up illegal aliens (Mexicans and Chicanos) in the "East side" and pouring into the very Jewish-Iranian-Armenian rich parts of the "west side".

2004 Draft[edit]

File:Twoods.jpg The original draft only had five picks. Middle Eastern race was not included because people thought it would cause an explosive(pun intended) atmosphere.

Pick Player Race Delegation
1 Tiger Woods Black
2 Lenny Kravitz Jewish
3 Elian Gonzalez Latino
4 Colin Powell- White
5 Wu-Tang Clan Asian

- Illegal pick but given up to whites in exchange to take Condoleezza Rice and return OJ Simpson.

Problems: Tiger Woods' mother is Thai (Asian) and father has White and American Indian blood; Lenny Kravitz's mother is African-American (kinda like Slash who's father is Jewish); Elian Gonzalez was protected from those awful Americanizing white-washing Anglos who wanted to adopt him; Colin Powell is more white Irish or British than black like many Jamaicans; and the Wu-Tang-Clan are all-black into the "Wapanese" (White kids into Asian stuff) trend, protests and liquor store looting and burning followed in Koreatown, Chinatown and Little Tokyo.

2006 Draft[edit]

The Racial Draft was forgotten by many when Dave Chappelle went crazy and joined the South Africa campaign to overthrow dictator Nelson Mandela.

It was not until January 2006, when the Wu-Tang Clan started to reissue their songs with chink replacing nigga and the cult following of Michael Richards' He's a nigger! routine brought race into the public eye once again. On September 2006, Charlie Murphy, Kanye West and Tiger Woods took another stab at The Racial Draft.

The 2006 Racial Draft was held on June 6, 2006 in the Superdome, renamed the "Stupordumb" in New Orleans. Mayor and "whitie" sell-out Boy Nigger and state governors Spanish named Blondie and Hindu Paki Sikh, who felt it's gonna help out Louisiana.

Clinton in Black Form
Pick Player Race Delegation
1 Yao Ming Asian
2 John Cena White
3 Tony Romo Latino
4 Madonna Jewish
5 Bill Clinton- Black
6 The Rock Black
7 Eric Bana Jewish
8 Cameron Diaz Latino
9 Jason Kidd White
10 Bill Gates Asian
George W. Bush celebrated too early. He was not called upon.

It is important to not that Madonna spent some time studying Kabalah after being drafted. But she has since resorted to her old profession as crack hoe. Among the people expecting to be drafted was George W. Bush. He hoped to be drafted by the Black delegation in order to prove the he does care about black people.

- Bill Clinton was originally labeled "black" due to his Wigger appearance and lifestyle, but would later be rejected. He shall appear in a future Racial draft. He was replaced by Jennifer Lopez, the "Jenny on the block" from the Bronx or "on the six" and was the Puerto Rican singer who acts like a black girl.

The Rock was a hard one and a hard place: He's also white, Filipino, Samoan, American Indian, and holds Canadian citizenship but he's simply referred to as a black man.

2007 Draft[edit]

The 2007 Racial Draft took place at Madison Square Garden on July 4, 2007. The patriotic fervor in New York City where A-rabes, Moslems and "brown ones" (terrorists) struck the World Trade Center on 9/11 (2001). Mayors Kikel Jew boy and Juden Jiuliani presented the event in a place where the 2008 economic crisis began right after the event.

Pick Player Race Delegation
1 Borat Jewish
2 Ali G Black
3 Bruno White
4 Sacha Baron Cohen Latino
5 Chris Tucker Asian
6 Pharell Asian
7 Eva Longoria Latino
8 Bryant Gumble White
9 Michael Jackson Black
10 Seth Rogen Jewish

Problems (yet again): The first 3 were actually the same man, who may be Jewish but a Sephardi not a TrashkeNAZI. Sephardis came from Spain or Brazil, therefore he's a Latin man. If he were an Ashkenazi or Khazar, a Turkic people in Russia adapted Judaism over 1,000 years ago, he may well be an Asian.

Chris Tucker protested the Racial draft and got together with Bryant Gumbel, Chris Rock, Brandy-Moesha, Monica, Beyonce-Sasha Fierce, Miley Cyrus-Hannah Montana (a white girl with Cherokee Indian blood), Dr. Dre, Snoop Doggy Dogg, Tupac (now in Cuba) and the Notorious BIG (also in hiding) to protest the very "racist" move.

Meanwhile, Michael Jackson might changed genders as well his race: He's a spittin' image of Diana Ross for christ's sake. Pharrell not available for comment, nor is Seth Rogen.

2008 Draft[edit]

The 2008 Racial Draft took place on November 4, 2008 in the Pepsi Center in Denver, sponsored by Grape-strawberry-banana Kool-Aid and Olde English 100 malt liquor. Not many Blacks showed up, since Denver has more Latinos and rednecks.

Alaska state governor/Republican vice presidential candidate/ MILF poster model Sarah Palin hosted the event. She can't be born in America: sounds Canadian. Her five kids are "Mongoloids" a proper racial term from the fact her husband Todd is part-Eskimo/Aleutian.

Pick Player Race Delegation
1 Robert Downey Jr. White
2 Mel Martinez Latino
3 Dragonforce Asian
4 Ben Bernake Jewish
5 Lucille the Guitar Black
6 Pele Black
7 Scarlett Johansson Jewish
8 Adam Beach (Lou Diamond Phillips sent to Latino and Cher sent to White, it was a fair trade unlike Manhattan Island to those Dutch). Native American
9 Tia Carrere Asian
10 Martin Sheen Latino
10 Michelle Malkin White

Problems (here we go again): Robert Downey Jr. was only blackface for a role in Tropic Thunder.

Politically incorrect commentator Michelle Malkin was furious over the judges are "those awful race-industry liberals", she's half-Filipina and has brown skin alike Latinos and American Indians. Luckily, she's not labled "black".

Martin Sheen shares her place in agreement to equal the racial balance: Cuban-Irish-German Jewish in one.

Ricardo Montalban made a brief appearance, a Mexican actor who long played Irish, Italian and Greek characters.

Tommy Chong too, who's not Mexican unlike Cheech Marin rumored to be Iranian or Armenian. Tommy Chong is half-Chinese from Canada and he played American Indian as well Hispanic characters.

Leonard Nimoy, half-Vulcan/Russian Jew/Iroquoian Indian showed up along with Natalie Portman, an Israeli Jew who played a neo-Nazi skinhead in one film, mistaken the Racial draft as a Trekkie-Star Wars convention.

Scarlett Johansson has been fucked by so many white men that she may as well be white, though several parts of her body have turned scarlet.

Controversy and Criticism[edit]

The racial draft has garnered much notoriety from groups such as the Professional Golf Association (PGA), The League of Middle Eastern American Citizens League and the Ku Klux Klan. The Native American delegation is the expansion team of the Racial Draft league, but they are hardly to be found. However, many celebrities claim to be Native American or "part-Indian".

File:Untitled 4.jpg The PGA protested and argued against the draft because it feared that Tiger Woods, previously accepted as Asian by the PGA, would become African-American, thus making an African-American the best at golf. The KKK protested citing a very similar cause to that of the PGA. Many have speculated that the PGA and the KKK are one in the same. Many hold this theory and point to the Klan members riding in golf carts instead of their noble steeds. Others point to the fact that the KKK and the PGA are never seen in the same room at the same time.

The Middle Eastern American Citizens League (MEACL) called for a boycott of the event because of the lack of a Middle Eastern delegation. Ultimately the boycott had no effect since the draft did not sell any products or services.

All in all the critical response from prominent figures such as Afro-American leaders, Reggie Jackson and Louis Farrakhan are said to be pleased with the draft. Other leaders such as David Duke and Oprah are big fans of the draft and offered to be part of their racial delegation. The people drafted were said to be enthusiastic about their draft results. Only Colin Powell was said to be upset claiming that this was messes up.

Possible Future Picks for the 2009 Racial Draft[edit]

Due to a deep recession affecting everyone regardless of race, the 2009 racial draft party was cancelled. It was to be held in the Ford Center in Detroit, sponsored by KFC: we be eatin' wrong chicken. White people can't stop exploiting the black market (get it?) and a shipload of illegal Canadians from nearby Windsor, led by Le Belle Musiqueal Celine Dion, since French-Canadians can't get a spot in the Canadian Juno Awards. It was supposed to be hosted by Pauly Shore or Rob Schneider, one of the two who look like a cross breed of a Persian Jew, a Basque Spaniard and a Malay Polynesian. But don't worry my colored friends, there be one in the 2010, "G".

Correction: It will be held 'Fo Suh' on January 20, 2010 in Washington, DC. Another racial draft event is planned for San Francisco but in Oakland on December 21, 2012. San Francisco is too white, gay and Asian for this shit, 'foo.

Who's up at bat for the 2010 racial draft (same place, time and channel: BET).

- Officially the first African-American or Black president of the United States, but his mother is white from Kansas who has a black or Muslim fetish, and moved to Hawaii to marry an Indonesian, therefore Obama must be Asian by marriage.

- Officially White but regarded as Black. The black delegation has commented that it would block any attempt to Africanize Carter.

- Not known to be 100% Jewish.

- She's a "born-again" christian, but has the same talents like Bawbwa Stweisand. Her father has a Jewish name "Epstein", but Jewishness is only passed by the mothers' side.

- Passes as white, but he's an I-talian (a Latin person), they're worst than Jews, A-rabes and Mexicans combined.

- White, but a Mormon and they're hated more than the Jews. His father is born in Mexico, his mother from Canada and does it make him...a MEXICAN/Latino?

- Acquaintance with Dave Chappelle has brought doubts as to whether or not Brady is white.

- Black man, but has White, Chinese and Puerto Rican ancestry.

- Puerto Rican with a stereotypical white face, but are most Puerto Ricans black?

- Puerto Rican with Jewish father, and alike "Jew" Jerry Springer also popular with white trash and Black panthers.

- Christian pop singer who looks more like Sarah Silverman or Amy Winehouse, she's probably an ethnic Jew. Orrico sounds Latino does it? Fuck it, she's Italian American.

Portuguese Canadian who hangs out with black people, wiggers, and has an East Indian/Asian boyfriend who fathered her son.

- Latina by her Ecuadorian father, but her Mom is white Irish.

- Her father is Black and Venezuelan, also has a white Irish mom.

- Rumors of possible Mexican, Cherokee Indian and Lebanese ancestry.

- A Grandmother may been either Armenian, Syrian or Jewish, not sure.

- Half black/half-white. She grew up in a wealthy suburb...OK she's white.

- Alike Alicia Keys, she's biracial or mixed white and black (sounds like one).

- Her father is mulatto Lionel Richie, her mom may be Mexican or Cuban.

- Mother is Lebanese/Jewish, Father is part-Japanese/Korean and what makes him?

- Hard one: Indians are Asians, speak an Indo-European language and has darker skin than most Africans.

- Accepted by Blacks. He's either half-Jewish or "black" Irish.

- White man who enjoys ripping on every race, but knows how to defend himself when he mutters "Nigger" and said the Irish were treated like Blacks in England.

- Another Jew? Arab? or Greek? accepted by Blacks. He's a lawyer!

-Good white rapper and is respected by a lot of blacks.

- Fictional Black man, but usually associated with heavy metal music and a redneck lifestyle. Plus, his name is WAYLON of all things!

- White Nordic songstress has an "Asian"-looking face. Is she Icelandic or Greenlandic (Eskimos with Viking blood)? Don't know, she ain't Dane or Swede.

- Do not call or refer her a "Latina", despite her mother is Mexican.

Half Asian (Japanese American), 40% white (Javanese Dutch) and 10% American Indian from the state of Arizona, New Mexico.

- Asian/Latina/Caucasian, but also a transsexual-transgendered-bisexual-unisexual.

- The "Asian" man who was a female got mass publicity for being the "pregnant man" to birthed two daughters. Is he a man or woman? We need a new gender draft.

Either an European, Arabian or "Oriental" Jew, although she's a Polack in some way.

He's Lebanese, therefore he's closer to being a Jew than Arab.

- Declared "black" but he's a White redneck from the Ozark town of Hope, Arkansas.

- Fellow white redneck from Springdale, Arkansas became rich by owning stores, but he's officially called a Jew, he's extremely cheap, abusive of his employees and panders to Hispanics he hires, advertises to in Spanish and his factories in Mexico after he sold white American jobs down there.

-White Christians said Jesus is white and a Jew, Arab Muslims said Muhammad is dark skinned and a Semite. But you have many brown Latinos named Jesus, non-Arab Indians are named Muhammed, both Israel and Palestine lies in Arabia on the Asian continent facing Egypt, Africa and the last thing: Jesus was said to visited the Americas said the Mormons and how his Hebrew tribe became American Indians.

Racial Draft 2011[edit]

It was held on Septeber 11th, 2011 in the Honda Center in Orange County, California, er make that Anaheim. There were two expansion team races this year. Lou Diamond Philips was made a member of the Pacific Islander race (a.k.a. the Orange County Browns). Meanwhile, Serj Tankian (a.k.a. System of a Down) was drafted into the Anaheim Armenians. And Rebecca Black is declared white, but has the dark raven hair like any ethnics.

There is talk of a "Gay"/"Lesbian"/"Bi"/"Transie"gender-sexual draft for 2013. The host will be Chaz Bono, born "Chastity" and co-host Lady Gaga. It's gonna be held in San Francisco but San Jose has the HP Pavillion arena out of all places. Do you know the way to San Jose? said the black lady related to Whitney Houston. She meant a transsexual Mexican(a) named "Maria".