The Real David Icke
The Real David Icke (not to be confused with David Icke, Paul McCartney, You or a horse) was born 17th June 1986 to Winona Ryder and Kevin Keegan. At the age of 12, he started a band called My Dad's Homosexual Cousin Likes To Eat Grass, and released the single My Pet Cow Travels To Work On Stilts.
In 2003, he wrote his first book, I Am The Father of the Son of God, which sold 56 million copies worldwide and on other planets. His second book, I am the Daughter of the Father of the Sun God, sold only 13 copies, all of which were placed on board a shuttle with a mad dog and sent to Mars which was later found out not to actually exist.
According to rumours, The Real David Icke:
- believes an interbreeding race of insectoids is enslaved by humanity.
- cannot say the number 7,
(and therefore failed Mathematics at school)
- has a pig's heart inside his chest,
- has a neck which enables his head to turn 360 degrees just like an owl
- is fluent in fifteen languages, including Japanese, Mandarin, Korean and Mackawackalish
- invented the bicycle
- was born without eyes (or feet)
The Real David Icke was born in Sweden to Baron Von Biscuit (born 1136, Devon) and David Hasselhoff, and was raised on an allotment and fed on cabbages. He escaped the allotment to become a ballet dancer ("I liked the way the tight clothes felt against my skin," he said in an interview in 1996), dancing with both men and women and also by himself (even if no-one was watching), until forced to retire at the age of 13 because of puberty.
During his 20's, TRDI (not to be confused with R2D2) contracted AIDS and submitted himself to scientific experiments, during which time he grew an extra arm, lost both his legs, and developed the ability to climb inside his own belly button.
1999 to Present
In 2012, the day the Tripods came back to Earth, David Icke was shot dead in his garden by Iraqi terrorists. He now lives in Heaven with God (who is a cunt), where he spends most of his time eating raspberries while stroaking his pet lizard.