The Safety Dance
“That dance wasn't as safe as they said it was.”
“If your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance then they're no friends of mine”
“Knock off that high society crap”
The Safety Dance was written by Ivan Doroschuk, of Men Without Hats. He liked to romp about the village with curly boots and do a little jig. He also invented the word "wanoo", as in "You can dance if you wanoo." He was subsequently tried and burned at the stake by the Inquisition, who didn't wanoo. Unfortunately for the over-zealous clerics, the dance had already been taught to a blonde girl and a midget, who spread it far and wide. They left their friends behind (because their friends didn't dance and thus were no friends of theirs) and danced off into the sunset. After burning to death from running into the sunset, there were more and more people who actually learned the dance and gave a damn.
The phenomenon known as the Safety Dance is actually a form of alien communication, but was only rediscovered when the Dead Sea Scrolls were opened by Scrooge McDuck upon looking for treasure hidden in Rosie O'Donnell's chest hair. This was featured on an episode of Duck Tales and The Night Gallery.
This dance has been known to avert wars in the past, present and the future, as well as in other forms of time and dimension.
The national dance of the Wikipedians is The Safety Dance.
If performed backwards perfectly, a wormhole will appear, taking the dancer back in time to Jeffrey Dahmer's basement in 1978; this of course is not safe at all.
It is known to Canadians, Bulgarians and Al Franken's illegitimate children as "The Pelvic Thrust of War" and incites fist fighting if mentioned in the company of eunuchs.
The Tibetan Book of the Dead states quite plainly in the chonyid bardo or "bardo of the experiencing of reality" that a monk who correctly finishes the Safety Dance at the exact moment of his death is automatically advanced one and one half cycles towards nirvana and is permitted rebirth in a land possessing sensual skinny wild blonde women dancers with a sexual preference for short Tibetan monks.
Frightening trivia and compelling facts about the Safety Dance
- This dance has caused the deaths of at least 98 Iraqis since the US led invasion of 2003, although on the upside it has the ability to disarm IED's.
- At least seven and a half midgets fell to their deaths inside of a large fake volcano in the South Pacific while attempting to open it's massive doors by performing the Safety Dance; their failed attempt was in response to a call for aid by the British Secret Service.
- 5,325 people have been injured while performing the Safety Dance since 1898 (mainly due to the high class synth riffs).
- Of the 774 deaths known to be caused by the Safety Dance in civilized Western Europe, 81 were due to reprisals by horrified Nazi's in the Treblinka Death Camp. The rest were the result of poor training in the use of maypoles.
- The Safety Dance was performed for the first time in 1492 at the request of Queen Isabella of Castile. On this day a new order was proclaimed: The Order of "Los Hombres Sin Cabezas", or in Real American, 'Men Without Hats.' They would be the keepers of the International Safety Dance for years to come, although for centuries only Charter Members of The Trilateral Commission who had passed both the intense scrutiny of 'double secret probation' and the 'Camel Walk' test would be allowed to know all the secret moves it involved.
- If you play the song backwards, you will awaken the spirit of the Bee Gees.
- If you play the song forwards at 4X speed, you will awaken the spirit of Lance Armstrong's amputated testicle.
- The real irony of The Safety Dance is that safety is, of course, never guaranteed and thus it is required by US Federal Law to carry a bright orange OSHA warning sticker.
- It is the only dance that requires the performer to register their hands as lethal weapons in Flekkefjord, Norway and Gun Barrel City, Texas (hence the importance of looking at them at critical moments during the dance itself).
- If incorrectly performed within 0.57 kilometers of Plutonium-239, a nuclear yield explosion of 97.835 megatons will occur, as well as a resulting, massive fallout of burnt fissionable material resembling "Kaboom" cereal.
- It has been known to ignite oatmeal and kumquats.
- In early morning hours just prior to sunrise the Safety Dance is a soothing shade of puce and smells like cinnamon toast.
- It is a violation of of section 27b-6 of the European Union Maritime Navigation and Fisheries Regulatory Act to perform the Safety Dance while voicing "la-la-la" in place of the actual lyrics when in a state of disrobement on the bridge of a ship in the presence of a junior officer while said ship is under steam in E.U. waters.
- Per the US Food and Drug Administration, the Safety Dance is not an acceptable substitute for use of an emergency contraceptive capsule the morning after unprotected sexual activity. This applies to both men and women.
- Due to health and safety concerns, the North East Lincolnshire Council of Grimsby in Yorkshire, U.K., has declared that the Safety Dance shall now be referred to and performed as the Safety Walk and has created the position of Safety Walk Compliance Officer to monitor for violators.
- If performed within a 10ft radius of him, the dance causes Glenn Beck to enter a catatonic state.
- The Safety Dance renders a performer impervious to the inebriated female lyme tick, Terrestrial particle accelerators up to 10 x 10^13th eV, Glaser Safety Slugs up to 115 grain .40 S&W, and Vice President Biden's jokes. It does not, however protect the performer from the rapid expanse of microthermal gases produced by meson decay, time portal inversions produced by a T Tauri Star's collateral phase discrimination or tummy aches from too much Nesquik.
- The Safety Dance is normally peaceful in its indigenous habitat, feeding mainly on berries, shoots, leaves and Puerto Ricans. Its only know natural enemies are fractals, Mennonites and the carbonated beverage Zima.
- In the waning days of WWII Martin Bormann's attempt to liven up the gloom in the Führerbunker ended badly when, while mockingly performing "der dumme englische Sicherheitstanzthe" ("the foolish English 'Safety Dance'") in order to cheer Hitler up, he accidentally trod upon Eva Braun's toe while capering about waving a soiled handkerchief. It is rumored that Bormann's disappearance from the Führerbunker was actually due to Bormann being shot by an enraged Hitler.
- Legend has it that every year in Hell on Satan's birthday, the Safety Dance is performed as a dirge on a red-hot bronze tuba for His Satanic Majesty's amusement by the damned soul who has been voted Mister/Miss Congeniality of the year by the staff. Past honorees have included Caligula, Torquemada, Mao-Tse Tung, and Leona Helmsly.
- The Safety Dance has been known to power Flux Capacitors.