The Scarlet Letter

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Nathanial Hawthorne pictured after abusing paper, the sick bastard.

The Scarlet Letter is a early notorious pr0n novel written by the author Nathaniel Hawthorne, a crack and paper abuser (in the 13 hundreds it was common to write on paper. This act was largely looked down upon yet quite popular) in the late 14th century A.D. who married a transvestite and somehow ended up with two babies.

These babies later went on to help create America, as we know it today; you might know them as (Regis Philbin and Al Gore). Nathaniel, being very poor and gay, was an avid swimmer and a poker player and loved long walks on the beach, stealing candy from little babies, and knocking down old people who were walking in the middle of the street with hopes that they would get run over by buses.

"It's like a party in your mouth that you're not invited to. Oscar Wilde on The Scarlet Letter


The Scarlet Letter in its epic battle with Godzilla

This story, that was most probably inspired by the stools in the outhouse the author had created not just 10 minutes before, portrays the life of a Giant Scarlet Letter who rules over the Puritans during the colonization period and forces them to burn humans for his giant obsession with the odor of burning human flesh (brought to you by the perfumists at Calvin Klein). The Scarlet Letter becomes insanely in love with a young married woman named Dick Cheney and later has a child with her. They name the child Tom Cruise and teach it to be as queer in every sense of the word possible, otherwise the couple would “accidentally shoot” the child on a hunting trip (gender of child still in question). One day, while eating chicken fajitas, the FSM takes the baby as a hostage and places it in a pen factory to make staples. These staples would be later used to help defeat the Omicronians from Omicron Persei 8 from Futurama (that one show created by that guy who created the Simpson’s) who have been making teddy bears for the poor starving children around the world. After a while Tom Cruise escapes the evil clutches of the FSM and commits adultery (For those of you not familiar with the term adultery it is the act of urinating on a hobo specifically begging for pineapple flavored cream cheese). The Scarlet Letter, upon hearing this, went into a rage of fury and took it out on the Japanese Emo Wanksta Society (JEWS) and the Japanese Anime Industry (No Acronym here). But before the Scarlet Letter could hurt any Japanese he found that the Japanese Anime Industry were in the middle of a civil war which began by the Digimon killing various Pokemon for sport and stuffing their bodies with cheese balls and Fritos.

The real culprit...

The Digimon also started to steal the Pokemon’s balls (double meaning). The infuriated Pokemon asked the You Gay Ho Monsters and Yugi Homo and his friends for help and together they defeated the ultra-mega-hyper-giga Craploadamon, the ruler and king of the Digimon. The Pokemon and You Gay Ho Monsters lived happily ever after, that is until the Green and White Coldsnap creatures from Magic the Gathering (each with flying, first and double strike, trample and pie^3/5 x 10^3758 power and cosine (180) x10^infinity toughness) froze and devoured all the freaky Anime Cartoons. In the process the Scarlet Letter’s child died. The Scarlet Letter, at this point bored of this story, decided to go eat some sushi. But woe is he for the sushi he ate had been poisoned by Godzilla, the real husband of Dick Cheney.

Before dying the Giant Scarlet Letter found Godzilla and killed him in an epic battle that destroyed all of Tokyo and made all the Japanese people scream in terror and run away from the battle while saying words that did not fit their mouth shape.

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