The Simpsons

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“A show with yellow Americans and white Asians truly transcends the times.”

~ Oscar Wilde on The Simpsons.


“I'd want to be on her”

No, not this Simpson! (although she does have the right skin color)

The Simpsons (1989—the end of time), also known as That Crappy Remodeled Cartoon that was Once Something Great and in New Jersey as The Simps, was an animated monochromatic sitcom, originally rated TV-MA, that ran for eight precise seasons before hitting the Mike Scully era, when it entered its ongoing death spiral and became The Homer and Friends Wacky Half-Hour. After hitting the Al Jean era, Homer was put out of focus and the seeds of blandness were planted in his place. The show then became Homer and Marge Marriage Crisises, and began to rely on puns, poorly-written plot lines, and brutally unfunny jokes at the expense of Homer's stupidity.

Today, it's audience, who thoroughly refuses to accept that any remnant of coherent storytelling has long since disappeared from the show, consists mainly of children under the age of 7, elder Vietnam War veterans, lonely divorced housewives, emos, eskimos, druggies and everyone who was born in the early 1970's, for some reason. Throughout the course of its early seasons the show won several different awards, notably the three D'oh!s, the award for having great material from which other sub-par television shows can steal from, such as Family Guy. It has also won four grammies (but no one cares about grammies).

The show as of now is beyond terrible, and it's even embarrassing to be seen watching it. Sadly, many of its once hilarious and memorable characters are now subject to storylines and dialogue that is not in the least bit funny, and obviously composed by the mentally challenged writers of other retarded shows such as Friends and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Thanks a lot, Seth MacFarlane.

History of The Simpsons[edit]

Early Origins[edit]

Dan Castellaneta as he first appeared on The Simpson's Show in 1988. Note that his head was previously shaved to make place for the plug-hat of Megavolt - a role that left Dan bald, fat and impotent.

The Simpson's show started off as a joke when regular drug store worker Matt Groening met with Tracy Ullman in 1987 when her car broke down by the store. For such a nice car fix, Tracy was in dept toward Matt and eventually decided to invite him over to a KFC for an eat out. Matt drank too much and later that evening confessed to Tracy that his life long dream was to create a robot from scrapped trash cans that would gamble and drink booze... Actually, that was his second dream, the first one being to create a yellow-skinned moron (and I don't have to link this one out to you because you're on the right page).

Later the same year, Tracy dumped Matt for Jay Leno, so Matt had to keep working on crappy jobs. As some point, however, something happened, and this the history does not disclose, that made Tracy realize all of the talent Matt Groening had in him, and eventually she decided to give it a shot and invite him and his crappy yellow cartoons to the show. Groening has taken interest in drawing his main character off of Dan Castellaneta when he was visiting Matt and chilling out in his basement. Hence, Homer Simpson was born as a fatal error of cartoon creation. When Tracy saw this abomination, she said Matt had better come up with an excuse to show such a cartoon on television. And Dan kicked his ass right after.

In 1988, the Simpson family was finalized and complete. The original set included Homer Simpson's, a happy Greek-turned-Turkish-turned-Muslim with his two wives Patty and Selma, their inbred parents Abe and the other Marge (also called Midge the Bountiful), and their kids: Bart, Lisa, Maggie, Poochie and Hans Moleman. Once again, Matt overdid it, especially insisting on his vision of having Maggie, a 1 year old baby, talk with a British slang in the series, as well as having an anthropomorphic animal within the house. Unlike Seth MacFarlane, however, Groening's childhood passion was not the Huckleberry Hound, hence he did not do the same mistake.

Present day study concludes that Matt Groening might have been color-sensitive with enhance vision of yellow before slowly regaining his normal state during the Clinton era. Although this statement was never proved to be true, the Simpson family finally made it to TV screen in 1989, after it was judged explicitly correct and represented an image of middle Americans, not the OJ freaks Matt had in mind (to his bitter disappointment). Matt had to hire his school mates Nancy Cartwright and Yardley Smith to voice respectively Patty and Selma, later on moved to Bart and Lisa, but not limited to (also trying out) Maggie, Santa's Little Helper and Snowball. Castellaneta was covering all the other roles, and Hank Azaria was hired to voice Maggie's pacifier.

What follows was a pretty boring sequence of something like four or five first seasons, during which some strange characters, such as Professor Monroe, Lester and Eliza, this long nosed mascot whose name I don't remember, black Smithers, etc., etc. have developed their character traits, only to be cut from the general storyline a couple of years later. You have to take it from me, this Groening guy was a very deranged lunatic, and still is, to this day, a bat fuck weird guy.

There was also an unsuccessful campaign by conservative Christian groups to get cheap publicity by accusing Marge of perverted Homersimpsonal desires and promoting Homersimpsonality, given how strangely erect her coiff becomes whenever she's around Homer. It didn't work, primarily because Marge was a heterosexual, not a Homersimpsonal. As for Homer himself, there is the possibility that he is one, given creepy scenes that showed him embracing himself in a lewd manner, with a playpen full of baby Homers. Attempts to have a 'sin' called "Margery" introduced into religious dogma failed miserably, as did attempts to criminalise the aformentioned "Margery." However, Marge clearly does seem to be susceptible to Homereroticism, even if no-one else is.

Fame Years and apogee[edit]

The show became famous after receiving a lot of pop culture reference injections toward the mid 1990s, starting about sixth or seventh season. Though the main cast changed little (Snowball II replaced Snowball) and Wiggum dyed his hair blue from black while Krusty the Clown somehow got his make-up to become his face, the show lived off the same jokes. And suddenly, they started to become funny, maybe because no other sitcom was airing at the time, beside that lazy propane instructions course, or perhaps a couple or two Sids and Nancies... Whatever it was, the show received a certain boost and by 1995 was considered number one sitcom of yellow-freaked reality.

During this time Matt made two episode specials, first the 100th episode, for which he hired an actor named Troy McClure who personally had sex with John Wayne but never admitted it, hence grew up as a child molester... Whom you might remember from some movie somewhere in the something but come on, refresh your memory, you surely remember him from somewhere! And the second

When people stopped watching the Simpsons, Fox tried to get their attention back with another ways like inserting parts of porn movies into the episodes. Unfortunately that didn't last for long.

show, Behind the Laughter, which revealed things people did NOT know about the Simpson's, notably:

A little known fact is that Homer Simpson might've been loosely related to the former American president Gerald Ford. The only person who could've denied it today is Gerald Ford himself, therefore, this must be true.
  • The fact that Bart's real name was Bartolomiej Czej Szymcki;
  • The fact that Nelson's famous "Ha-haw" was digitally compiled from following phrases: Edna Krabappel's "Hah!", Krusty's "Hey-Hey!", Scratchy's scream when Itchy chops his head off, Ned Flanders saying "Neighbourin-o" sped to 0.025 seconds, the Yes guy saying "Yeeeees!" without the Y and the S, and, of course, Cartwright saying "Ha-haw!";
  • The fact that Lisa was given growth hormones since 1989 and also featured in various pornographic footages along with Peter North and Peter Griffin under the nickname Lassie;
  • The fact that Homer Simpson's middle name was Homer Jay Leno Simpson;
  • The fact that Mr. Burns could not possibly be alive after being asphyxiated, kicked in the butt, stepped on his right foot, sweated to death, bitten by 25 puppies and Santa's Little Helper, booed by an angry crowd, crushed down by a huge useless robot, stabbed by a wooden stake, shot by Maggie, Smithers and OJ Simpson, beaten up by Homer Simpson, and injected enough morphine to glow alien green during the night;
  • The fact that the giant egg seen somewhere in a Season 6 episode at the Nuclear Power Plant was actually Ernie the Giant Chicken from Family Guy. They sued each other for a million dollars, and Hank Hill won;
  • The fact that every member of the Simpson family had a catchphrase, except Lisa, until "Dad!" was introduced in Season 10.
  • The fact that the show casts exactly 666 characters, is composed of 666 words per each episode, shows Homer 666 times per season if you count every frame of every episode he's in, counts inclusively 666 D'oh! said by Homer since Season 1 up to Season 15, all of which lets us to conclude that the show will run for 666 episodes in total, with 400 being already made (if you take 20 seasons of about 20 episodes for each season), which gives us 200 more episodes, hence ten more years of airing.

Despite the fact that it usually takes from 3 to 5 years to a middle-class viewer to get used to the show he or she sees on TV, or maybe due to a big increase in fame starting off with the 11th Season, Groening felt that he finally accomplished something important and that he was also good for something, after all. Rumors have it he proposed to Julie Kavner same year in 1999, only to hear a disgruntled runt from her side. Others would say that this part never happened. More others don't even read this shit, so there is no point I would even go on inventing all these lies.

Decline in Quality[edit]

Top: old, unrealistic, off-model animation. Bottom: new, more better expressive animation, with 200% more gags per second.

Basic fact, the Simpson's started to decline after season 13, when Groening let the main project go and concentrated on side sitcoms designed to re-adapt the same drawing style to today's reality, as more refined, more humorous and less yellow. Around the same time the main show was rehabilitated by Mike Scully, who shifted all focus to Homer and friends going on wacky get-rich-quick schemes, with unfunny results. Another staple of said decline era was the Simpson family traveling to at least one other country than US per season, starting with Japan in Season 10 and going on with Brazil in Season 11, Canada in Season 12, South Africa in Season 13, Britain in Season 14, Italy in Season 15 and Unamerica in Season 16.

During the same time, Sam Simon, the main scenario writer, had suffered from multiple brain seizures coming out after watching The Matrix, and had to succumb to Goa Tse therapy, eventually turning Buddhist and growing 3 feet long fingernails and 5 feet long hair. In this condition, it became difficult for Sam to try to write anything at all, so Groening had to have him replace by another playwriter. Mel Gibson auditioned for the job, but was fired five minutes later after trying to crucify Groening on the wall of his office for being Jewish. Finally, James L. Brookes was selected and had to pass the Stonecutter test in order to be accepted at the office.

The show slowly started to degrade and degenerated into all kinds of random humor jokes, such as Marge suddenly starting to dance for no reason, or Homer trying to act more stupid than he actually is, which makes him look smart, or Lisa gaining interest in spelling bees and crosswords all of a sudden, or Bart... You get the idea. I don't fairly know what was going about in the studios at the time, but you can pretty much say that whoever (or whatever) wrote those episodes must've been a spy working for Fuzzy Door, or probably a communist. And the less funnier were the Simpson's getting at the time, the more funnier were getting all the other crappy shows passing on Fox, who bought over Global TV just to run a huge subliminal campaign saying "Watch the Simpson's!" every time the Simpsons were on. Which was not a very smart move either - watchers packed up their stuff and traveled to another channel. And poked their eyes out.

In 2007, Groening tried the last approach in regaining popularity for the series by releasing a two-hour-long pain in the ass filled with the same random useless humor called The Simpsons Movie. Of the whole franchise, only the "Spider-Pig sequence" gained at least some popularity, which was lost once again when Homer referred to the pig as "Harry Plopper". This was the final hit in the series' stomach as per se, and if there was still some hope for that show to survive before, the movie destroyed it all. The Simpsons turned back to their first episodes by trying to revive the past in order to save the future by reinventing the storyline first with Homer and Marge as a young couple in the mid 1990ies (which does make even less sense than the characters themselves never growing up), then with them as the same young couple in the beginning on 2000, which is just stupid. In all of the sitcom history, it is the first time when an episode refers to another episode which aired about 10 years earlier by retelling the whole storyline (if any) and completely confusing the viewer.

The Simpsons Today[edit]

Why You Little *finish quote*!
In 2009, The Simpsons got shadows. In 2030, using the experimental SuperUltraReal3D technology, this is what Homer Simpsons might look like.

Today, the Simpsons represent that part of the shows which you "watch only because there is not much things to watch on a Wednesday night and honestly you don't feel like getting up for the remote even though it's just underneath your ass" along with things like "Fox Comedy Central", slowly but inevitably making its way to the total boredom of "King of the Hill". Matt Groening has been known to pay blind people to sit and watch the show, kidnap stars for guest appearances and even trying to raise the dead from the graves in order to lure people away from real sitcom rip-offs into gaining the audience back in all the ways possible.

Some say Groening even had sex with the Queen of England like, a year ago, to get PBS viewers to watch the Simpson's and avoid signing petitions which would land him as a missionary in Latin America. Whatever it is, there rests only one single question you want to ask Matt: Why? Why all that crap? Why just not start another show up to today's social trends which would fit in just fine with weird sitcoms as the Simpsons did with the Flintstones back in the 80s? We might never find out why, as the question remains unanswered...

The Cast[edit]

Main Characters[edit]

  • Homer J. Simpson: Homer is father/husband figure of the Simpson family. Having studied for an aerospace cadet, he wound up working at the Springfield nuclear power plant and absorbed just enough radiation for all his hair to fall off. Somehow, the radiation also affected his age and he stuck being 36 years old. He's your average village idiot, but if you piss him off he'll whack your brains out. With all his alcohol and donut consumption, lack of intellect, and constant rage, it's a mystery as to how he's still alive.
  • Marjorie "Marge" Bouvier Simpson: The wife of Homer Simpson. Although she may not look as old as she really is, you might notice her pendulous, jutting strangely erect protuberant hair quivers whenever she's near Homer. Also, as a result of drunken gas station sex, Marge has severe cerebral cancer which also reflects on her voice and sexiness. The last years of her life were spent on YWCA reassignment, as her profile does not bond in any possible way with the life of today's housewives. But Marge is still Moe Syzlak.
  • Bartholomew "Bart" Simpson: The Simpson family's son, once a normal human boy. Unfortunately, from getting hooked to an unknown drug in late 1999, he developed a spiky head and he permanently changed into a badass menace-type kid. Milhouse wasn't with Bart at the time and therefore stayed his normal self. Besides starring in the show, Bart currently lead a criminal life, often being sentenced to community services such as building demolition and Spanish translator with obvious lack in music skills.
  • Lisa Marie Simpson: Lisa was a dire result of unfinished abortion that Marge tried to have after drinking too much spiked punch. She is the pretty much the only smart person in the Simpson family (or in the whole show), not that anyone cares.
  • Margaret Eleanor Charlotte Orville Beefeather "Maggie" Bouvier Simpson: A living substitute robot bought by Groening from the Japanese, which was reprogrammed by the CIA as a killing machine, but later disused due to its ineffectiveness of not being "cute enough", as compared with the new prototype "Stewienator 1000", used by Seth MacFarlane. Maggie was then reintroduced to the Simpson's family after their memory was wiped clean.
  • Santoz "Lil' Hopper" Santario, a.k.a. Santa's Little Helper is the Simpson family dog with the brain of an immigrant worker from Peru whose body was used to feed the Peruvian starving children after he suffered from a Mafia gundown. He now lives as the Simpson's dog and vows his revenge on Brian Griffin, who was a cop back then and shot him down. Besides that, Santa's Little Helper enjoys eating turkey!
  • Snowball 1, 2, 3, 4, & 5 were all (except 5) a series of unsuccessful devices to spy on the Simpson's while they're not aired, which were all "accidentally" killed by Lisa.
  • Abraham Simpson: due to an unknown illness and possible mess with time travel, the grampa Simpson might not be as old as he actually looks (kind of like Benjamin Button). As all members of some stupid fish cult and old Vietnam veterans (that's right, I know whom you just thought of), Abe's yearly income is much more than that of all of the Simpson's combined, hence they kicked him out of the family long ago. He is also the only surviving member of the black Nazi Taliban gay sober communist clan, besides his own grandfather, Mr. Burns.

Minor Characters[edit]

Theeeeeeeme... from a Sum-mer plaaaaaace...

The secondary and tertiary characters of the series include Lenny, Carl, Krusty the Klown, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Comic Book Guy, Ned Flanders, Maude Flanders, Rod Flanders, Todd Flanders, Reverend LoveJoy, Milhouse Vanhouten, Nelson Muntz, Ralph Wiggum, Martin Prince, Moe Syzlak, Itchy and Scratchy, Montgomery Burns, Smithers, Principal SKINNER!, Superintendent Chalmers, Mrs. Krabapple, Groundskeeper Willie, Professor Frink, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier, Sideshow Mel, Sideshow Bob, Barney Gumble, Jimbo Jones, Duff Man, Chief Wiggum, SpiderPig/Harry Plopper, Jasper Beardly, and so much more. Did I forget anyone? Oh well, The Simpsons must have a million different characters, far too much to list here.

Guest appearances[edit]

In 1998 there was controversy when during a live episode Homer Simpson referred to guest star Dennis Rodman as being "too skinny", provoking another guest star Russell Crowe to start a fight with members of the live audience and throw phones at them. The show had to be ultimately canceled halfway through a broadcast when Crowe threatened to bring in the baddies to "fix" Homer. The press from this incident was undeniably damaging. Newspaper headlines cruelly renamed Bart Simpson as Bart Douchebag. The Source magazine ran a cover story petitioning Bob Dole for the return of Twin Peaks. The furore died down later in the month, but the public backlash to the incident convinced Wallis to go into hiding. From which he would not return until late into 38,946. Bart Simpson was arrested for indecent exposure as he was found "Building a Solar Powered, High Speed Monorail" with Leonard Nimoy in public on a highway. This scandal has left The Simpson family distraught and Bart has recently released a statement saying I didn't do it which was revoked after controversy with Krusty and copywriters at Fox. He re-released a statement saying My dad does it.In early 20001 The Simpsons sparked new controversy with its graphic portrayal of incest in the episode "A game for all the family." In the episode Lisa performs a sex act on her brother Bart, after he catches her on a unicorn with Tom Hanks. It is rumoured that this incident is what caused Bart to become the brain dead south park addicted moron he is today, though this has not been proven.

Criticism and controversy[edit]

A famous Simpson of yesteryear.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Simpsons.

A major criticism of the show is that many episodes have gone unwatched. The clip-show episode "All Singing, All Dancing" is yet to receive a single viewer on account of awfulness as well as Simpson's singing and dancing. Currently, the only viewer of the show who is not old, young or lonely is Ms. Catherine Muttonchop - pictured right - who bought an entire collection of Simpson merchandise for $0.65 on eBay.

Many have found that the show to be lacking in cultural substance even in it's later years when it showed it's political nature and leaning towards secular values. Episodes aired such as the one where Homer realised that he was a failed Partial Birth Abortions, Marge engaging in lesbian sex with Patty and Selma and Lisa and Bart becoming members of PETA and Maggie starting a Jesus website and it turned away as it was purely for shocking and overly unnecessary preaching to its audience. Fox News anchor Bill O' Reilly cited unfair and unbalanced political leanings. Everyone ignored the report. The show while leaning back at times towards its humbler and wackier beginnings with jokes and situations more of a sitcom if you will, the hollow and opinionated episodes later only acted as though they had more weight. The show still has over 132,664,331 viewers around the world.

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