The Stig

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search


~ The Stig on his identity

The Stig is Top Gear's super fast ever changing racing driver. He has many odd talents and disabilities, a selection of which are read out by Jeremy Clarkson each week, to rapturous silence from the audience, which is clearly awe-struck because they know he will smite them if they do not listen.

Why does he always wear that helmet all the time?[edit]

Because The Stig has the ability to fire Alan Sugar should he so desire, he was forced to go into hiding and wear a helmet at all times to protect his identity. Fortunately, he is also a talented racing driver, so was able to assume this disguise without arousing too much suspicion.

Since constantly wearing a helmet has an obvious impact on his hearing, it is fortunate that he has ears not exactly where you'd expect them to be. Normally, it wouldn't be so important, but they have been crucial in helping him evade capture by Alan Sugar. This ability is even more crucial, since if you tune a radio in the UK to 88.4MHz, you can actually hear his thoughts as he enters corners. A tactic Alan Sugar discovered early on.


The word "Stig" is thought to be short for "Stig of the Dump", which could be a reference to his natural habitat: a rubbish dump. Although some say that the Stig live in Clacton on Sea, his exact whereabouts remain unknown, and the sheer number of similar dumps in the UK (or "cities" as inhabitants affectionately term them) has contributed to thwarting Alan Sugar's multiple attempts to track down and thwart the Stig's activities.

Richard Hammond did on one occasion offer to let The Stig stay at his home, but Hammond kept him awake all night by running in his wheel and nibbling his nuts.


Other talents have proved useful in his capacity as Top Gear's racing driver. Most notable is his sweat, which can be used to clean precious metals. This has allowed the budget of maintaining high performance cars to be slashed quite considerably. A lesser known talent is that his face always points to magnetic north. Due to the Stig's unnervingly accurate sense of direction, people often challenge him to "get lost".

Obviously, he was born with a very small brain that has the capability of 0.1MHz and with a 42KB RAM converted to computer format (not fitted with a sound card). The small brain only allows him to drive, skilfully. Well, the only thing he could do is drive so he is extremely stupid allowing him to be so courageous around the corners driving at 200 km/h on the ice, then Jeremy Clarkson said "That is not bravery, that is just stupidity that I have."

Also noteworthy are his fingernails, which have 330bhp; it is not clear, however, if this figure is the total bhp of all his fingernails, or whether each one has 330bhp. Either way, however, it is still a massive power-to-weight ratio and helps him to victory at every Top Gear office party fingernail race super challenge, which occurs annually. The previous holder of this title disappeared in mysterious circumstances.


The Stig won the Indy 500, the Daytona 500, the Bathurst 1000, the 24 hours of Le Mans, and the F1 championship in this car. Twice.

The Stig has quite a large and strange family with members being spread all over the world. The know members are listed below.

  • The first member of Stig's family to be discovered was his American cousin Big Stig. He is a very obese version of the Stig we all know and love.
  • Second we have The Stig's African cousin, the Nig. He lives in Botswana and wears only a racing helmet and a loin cloth, some say he has seen the lion king more times than is thought humanly possible.
  • Next it the Stig's lorry driving cousin Rig Stig. He is a fairly large version of the Stig with a tan-line on his race suit but not as fat as Big Stig and he specialises in driving lorries very quickly and is the only person known to be able to power slide them.
  • The Stig's communist cousin was next to be discovered, he drives around the north of Vietnam and wears a red version of the white racing suit the other Stigs wear.
  • Recently German Stig was seen with a mullet.
  • The Stig actually has a real cousin named Steve, who lives in Tilehurst, near Reading.
  • His wife has a white bikini, and white racing helmet.
  • The next was Janet Stig Porter, the Stig’s vegetarian cousin. He drives electric and hybrid cars and wears a green version of the iconic racing suit. Sadly this Stig died from carbon monoxide poisoning from the fumes of the hybrid car he was testing at the time.
  • The most recent discovery is the Italian Stig who appeared in the first episode of Series 18. He was last seen exiting a bus with two ladies, who for reasons unknown made him drive extremely quickly. The steam leaving the bus may give a hint.
  • The Stig's Chinese cousin is one of the most violent in the "family" of Stigs, attacking Clarkson, May, the production crew, and even the groundskeepers of the track. Chinese Stig also kicked James May square in the plums.
  • The Stig's first name is, "The", which meant he didn't even have to change his name via deed poll in order to assume his new identity, which was fortunate for him as Sugar has spies everywhere.

Some say that...[edit]

"It's all true." ... "Wait!" ... "I did not say that!" ... "Or that!" ... "shit!"
  • He is allergic to the Dutch.
  • He appears on high value stamps in Sweden.
  • He naturally faces magnetic north.
  • He deliberately sabotaged Richard Hammond's dragster-stunt
  • He names all his potted plants Steve.
  • He is confused by stairs.
  • He can smell corners.
  • He has named every blade of grass around the Top Gear test track.
  • He has a plasticine model of James May in his garden shed for inspiration.
  • He does not have a driving license.
  • He is banned in 17 US states.
  • He knows only two facts about ducks. Both of them are wrong.
  • He destroys wooden replicas of Rubens Barrichello in his spare time.

See also[edit]