The Uncyclopedia Movie
“Whose scrotum do I have to tickle to get this goddamn movie made?”
|The Uncyclopedia Movie|
|Directed by||Martin Scorsese|
|Written by||Oscar Wilde|
|Produced by||Oscar Wilde|
|Distributed by||Uncyclomedia Films|
|Release date||June 47, 2008|
"The Uncyclopedia Movie" has become one of the most notorious and infamous unfinished films of all time. The project, fronted by none other than Oscar Wilde and starting in early 2006, was massively over-budgeted and had directly caused the deaths of several famous Hollywood actors (four of whom were not involved in the filming in any way) and countless other cast and crew by 2007. It was originally supposed to be a sequel for the almost as notorious film "U for Uncyclopedia" (which earned a rate of 1.1 in contrast to "The Uncyclopedia Movie", which was given a disgracing 1.0 by Internet Movie Database and other significant film sites), but ended up being disowned by everyone involved in it. Despite being heavily hyped as being the first time Oscar Wilde had written anything since his 1898 poem The Ballad of Reading Gaol, The Uncyclopedia Movie had to be scrapped until October 2006, the officially stated reasons being:
|Ass death, bankruptcy of Uncyclopedia studio, and poor concept|
Oscar Wilde, popular playwright, poet, and indisputably the greatest Irish writer of all time, was running short of ideas by the late 1800's-to-early 1900's. Self-proclaimed "trivial comedies for serious people" such as the The Importance of Being Earnest were done ideas, as were nihilistic commentaries on the morality and usefulness of art such as The Picture of Dorian Gray. What Oscar needed was something fresh; he set out to write what the people wanted. Having no idea of what the people did indeed want, Oscar set up the Uncyclopedia in early 2005, a wiki designed to be written by the people, for the people. Oscar would take the end result of the wiki and turn it into a book. The wiki soon caved in to vandals, but was nonetheless extremely successful, and was spun off into a news source, a dictionary, a site entirely devoted to the worship of Oscar Wilde, a
crappy Media site, an online library of all the best books, guidelines for Making up Oscar Wilde quotes, a TV studio, a TV show, a TV channel, a TV manufacturing company, a rock band, a recording studio, and, of course, video games.
As is the website, the script was allowed to be edited by preteens. Thus, you obviously know it's Oscar Wilde, Sailor Moon, Chuck Norris, grues, endless Zork mazes, gay English teachers and Vin Diesel. In the end, the movie's plot was an exact duplicate of The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift, only with all of the Asians replaced by grues.
After some careful picking, the following taglines were choosen for the movie's trailers and advertisement campaigns:
- A movie giving away free popcorn in return for
- a) money
- b) reffering freinds to watch it
- Along time ago, in an Internet far, far away...
- It's not even out yet, and it's already got an Oscar!
- The movie that proved that Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer weren't the worst after all...
Decline in interest
However, interest in Uncyclopedia and its various spin-offs rapidly declined within the first quarter of 2005. Desperate for attention, Oscar quickly devised the UnBook Club. Things suddenly seemed as though they were turning around again, but then two things happened: first, James Frey penned a book entitled A Million Little Edits allegedly about his numerous gnome edits on Uncyclopedia. These alleged edits turned out to be a complete falsehood, as James Frey actually was only a member of Wikipedia and had only done a measly one hundred edits. Second, Oscar Wilde got drunk and had extreme verbal diarrhea and threatened to kill everyone stupid enough to buy the current book club book, The Heart of a Woman. Uncyclopedia Enterprises has since apologized for James Frey's fictitious lies countless times over, but oddly enough not for Oscar Wilde, even though the Oscar Wilde event was more their fault than the book one. Ah well. That's the industry for you.
Oscar eventually got the idea to revive his multinational corporation by finally adapting it in to an increasingly crappy movie series, complete with sequels, prequels, and over-priced special edition DVDs. However, only one film was to be created in the end. Oscar quickly wrote up a screenplay, hired Martin Scorsese to direct (after directing some scenes of his own, style), and he was on his way. The project was started by Uncyclopedia Studios under the working title The Cat in the Hat 2. Little did he realize the dreadful consequences of his plans...
Production was where trouble began for Oscar's little "Unmovie". First, for a fight scene between Chuck Norris and a Grue, Chuck Norris used his considerable abilities to tame and cage a grue from the wild. However, before shooting the fight scene Chuck Norris went out to lunch. The Grue escaped and immediately killed David Spade, who was portraying Encyclopædia Dramatica at the time (because both are unfunny), as well as the crew. Chuck Norris returned and immediately killed the Grue. Domokun also sued Uncyclopedia Studios for using his image on their posters without his permission, though the studios insisted that in reality it was really another Grue. Domokun gave them a funny look and walked away (but not before claiming his $300,000). David Spade was replaced by the equally retarded Rob Schneider, and the grue was replaced by a Domo plushie operated by Frank Oz.
The next disaster took place during a fight scene between Oscar Wilde (played here by Gene Wilder because of subtle similarities in appearance and name) and a Cabbage. Of course, there certainly wasn't intended to be a real cabbage, as doing so would be suicide. Not even Chuck Norris can beat a cabbage. And yet SOMEHOW, someone actually ORDERED A REAL, LIVE CABBAGE!! When the cabbage arrived, it killed all of the replacement crew, Ben Stein (playing Wikipedia because both are dull and monotonous), and Paris Hilton (not playing anyone in the movie, just confused and lost). Chuck Norris survived because he happened to be out to lunch again. The studio had to be nuked. This, of course, did not kill the cabbage, but rather it lost interest and walked away of its own free will.
The final catastrophe was identical to the others, but with Oprah Winfrey (the REAL Oprah, not the in-movie character played by Whoopi Goldberg - the true Oprah suddenly showed up seemingly out of nowhere to antagonize the project crew). Oprah cannibalized the extremely unfortunate and possibly cursed crew, as well as setting fire to most of Frank Oz's muppet/puppet collection before being tranquilized and dragged back to her studio to make the next episode of her show, denouncing James Frey’s new book, A Million Little Edits and ridiculing him as a former drug addict. Tom Cruise was put on hold.
Also, in a ploy to get Trekkies to watch the film, the ten favorite characters from Star Trek and Ash Ketchum were invited to make a three-scene appearance, but nine of the ten actors were accidentally killed off one-by one: Yeoman Rand mysteriously disappeared halfway through the first scene and was never seen again; Scotty, on screen, was beaten to death by Chuck Norris when he commented on Chuck's bad accent (Chuck Norris admitted he'd gotten carried away); Kirk died of a deadly STD when he romanced Oprah Winfrey; Sulu and Chekov, with Takei's bad driving and Koenig's bad navigating, accidentally steam-rolled their armored tank and Ash through and out of an entire scene, flattened the camera crew, and drove at 70 mph off a cliff; Uhura started singing a solo, and broke the eardrums of everyone within a 15-yard radius of her, who all mauled her to death as a result; McCoy, who was drunk from an overdose of Saurian Brandy, which he'd been injecting into himself with his hypospray, couldn't get out of the way in time and was gored by a knight on horseback; and, since Spock was a Vulcan, it took a thunderstorm, a gassing chamber, a squadron of F-16s, a reporter with a Channel Five news pistol, and a nuclear fallout to drag him down. And, Chapel committed suicide from grief at losing Spock, which left Lieutenant Leslie as the only actor to survive the filming. He is currently living in Santa Ana, California.
Other than that, the filming was relatively less disastrous and considerably less repetitive. Unfortunately, during the editing phase (the movie anyone can edit!), Martin Scorsese and Oscar Wilde got into creative disputes and Oscar used his administrator powers and protected the footage, leaving Martin in frustration. Martin later snuck into the studio at night and destroyed most of the film from the epic four and a half hour film. Oscar then fired him, and blocked his IP address. Not having enough footage left to properly release the film into theatres, Oscar was forced to send the film straight to home video. Martin ended up disowning the entire project, listing himself under the pseudonym of Alan Smithee to avoid any association with "this God awful movie", as he so bluntly put it. eat more tacos!!!
The Uncyclopedia Movie (UNofficial Trailer)
Uncut DVD Edition
The Uncut Edition was released in early 2006. Its official tagline was "The one you didn't see in theatres!", mainly because it never saw a theatrical release. Also, at that time Uncyclopedia was so run down and bankrupt that it could not afford for the film to be rated by the M.P.A. of A. Oscar Wilde personally funded the large marketing campaign, mainly consisting of late night Comedy Central commercials lasting 15 seconds. The film itself was a mere 3 minutes, as there was only 5 minutes worth of workable footage in the end. Special Features included a translation to AAAAAAAAA!
Excerpts from movie
Here follows the epic action scene that begins at 1:32:04 (near the ending). Notice the brilliant acting, the realistic choreography, the spectacular special effects and CGI as well as the witty one-liners (not including the groans and moans; these are classified as onomatopoeia), all delivered in a neat package by Uncyclomedia Films. The fight is a dual effort between Sophia (with a broken arm) and Jimbo Wales (played by Tom Cruise) to end the menace of the notorious Wiki vandal Mr. Treason, having taken the name "Mr. Stingray" in order to (unsuccessfully) conceal his true identity and then launched a massive page blanking campaign against both Uncyclopedia and Wikipedia, enlisting hundreds of Wiki vandals from all around the world for his sinister schemes to abolish free editing across every Wiki-site on the Internet, leaving the entire Internet at his mercy. Not recommended for children under 13 years (or anyone else for that matter).
Greatest Line in the film
Note: Your sleep may have been stolen. No refunds. Sorry.
Most Dramatic Scene in the Whole Film
Reception to the Uncut DVD, the first time anyone had seen the movie, was poor. In fact, it was so bad that after the first 10 minutes, everyone left the theater during the premier. THE ACTUAL PREMIER!!! Many die-hard Oscar Wilde fans were disappointed that Oscar had "sold out" and was now making screenplays rather than... um... playplays. Whatever, scripts for plays. The acting in particular was lambasted, though many felt that the wooden dialogue prevented the actors from acting to their full potential. Roger Ebert noted that "The dialogue for Oscar Wilde's character was written as though by someone who knew absolutely nothing about Oscar Wilde". Many claimed that the cover artwork was "un-artistic, sloppy, and a piece of crap". Oscar later admitted to having whipped the image up one night on GIMP. Despite the poor reviews, the general public stayed away from watching it. Ultimately, the movie bombed like that crappy Mariah Carey movie.
Though the movie did not make a profit, it did garner just enough money so that Uncyclopedia did not completely go out of business. Some believe that Oscar Wilde asked for private funds from the Uncyclopedia Cabal, but then those people realized that there is no cabal. However, Uncyclopedia did have to cut back on most of its more superfluous sista projects, leaving only the 7 you see today (plus crazy foreign versions with like, 14 articles total).
While "U for Uncyclopedia" received a rating of 1.1, and thus being labeled as having "an infinitesimal fraction of a permille of redeeming value", unanimous critics all over the world has united in declaring "The Uncyclopedia Movie" the worst film in existence and a disgrace to mankind, stating that "Uncyclopedia is the worst".
Uncyclopedia was nearly sued by an organization called "Oscar Wilde Society", which claimed that the website Uncyclopedia was "shamelessly misusing the name of an acclaimed writer and poet who has been dead for over a century for their own sick and demented purposes, even going as far as to claim that Oscar Wilde had directed their ridiculous nonsense film himself". However, the Oscar Wilde Society was itself countersued by Uncyclopedia on the premise that they had been "shamelessly misusing the name of an acclaimed writer and poet who has been dead for over a century for their own sick and demented purposes, even going as far as to claim that Oscar Wilde had designed their ridiculous nonsense website himself". The case ended up in a draw in the Supreme Court, since the Oscar Wilde Society clearly had Oscar Wilde's name in it, which Uncyclopedia did not. However, the court processing took a heavy toll in the nearly nonexistent budget of the film, which (partially) contributed to the near cancellation of the project.
"The Uncyclopedia Movie" has been earned several awards; rather unsurprisingly, all of those has been, which is the evil twin of the Oscar Awards. It became the first film ever to "win" every single Golden Raspberry Award in one year, including a whole lot of custom awards made up specifically for the occasion when the jury felt they were running out of (negative) superlatives to describe the film. Here follows the full list of all the various Awards the film earned last year.
Awards earned by film
- Worst Picture Award 2006
- Worst Remake or Rip-off 2006
- Worst Prequel or Sequel 2006
- Best Action Scene 2006
- Worst Excuse for Family Entertainment 2006
- Best Special Effects 2006
- Best Soundtrack 2006 (Uncyclopedia - What Up Ma Bitch Ho)
- Best Film Ending 2006
- Worst Promotion 2006
- Best Trailer 2006
- Best Film Poster 2006
- Worst Intro Scene 2006
- Worst Film Climax 2006
- Best Editing 2006
- Best Love Scene 2006
- Best Worst Movie Of All Time
Awards earned by actor or director
- Worst Actor Award 2006: Rob Schneider (as Encyclopedia Dramatica)
- Worst Actress Award 2006: Sophia
- Worst Supporting Actor 2006: Ash(ley) Ketchum
- Worst Supporting Actress 2006: Katie Holmes (as 126.96.36.199)
- Worst Screen Couple 2006: Sophia and Jimbo Wales
- Worst Film Quote 2006: Oscar Wilde and Captain Obvious (tied for #1)
- Worst Director 2006: Alan Smithee
- Worst Screenplay 2006: Oscar Wilde
- Worst Narrator 2006: Captain Obvious
- Worst Anachronism 2006: Oscar Wilde (as producer)
- Worst Film-monster 2006: Grue
- Worst Villain 2006: Mr. Treason (as Mr. Stingray)
- Worst In-film Death 2006: David Spade (death by tripping on his own shoelaces and consequently being eaten by a grue)
- Worst Hero: Chuck No... *POW!*
- Most "un" Badass Actor(s):Carmine and Chuck Norris (Ha, Bullshit!!!)
It looks like ultimately, those internet weirdos were right: Uncyclopedia IS the worst. Oh well.
Notable quotes from the film
“I like turtles.”
“go eat shit fuckers”
“YOU'LL NEVER DESTROY MY SHIP!!!!! (Although in 4 minutes they did)”
“Pitch black, it is. Likely to be eaten by a grue, you are”
“This movie shows the end of the Great Satan!”
“This movie is very bad.”
“In Soviet Russia, the obvious states YOU!!”
“ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I HAVE HAD IT WITH THOSE MOTHERFUCKING VANDALS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING WEBSITE!”
“I'm going to fucking bury that guy, I've done it before and I will do it again. I'm going to fucking kill David Spade!”
“May I add: this movie is obviously extraordinarily bad.”
“No, it's the best ever - I want to see it again!!!”
“I have nothing to declare except that this movie sucks donkey balls.”
“I like turtles mother fuckers!!!”
“Where is your edit button now?!”
“In Soviet Russia, movie watches YOU!!”
“It looks like you're viewing a movie, would you like help?”
“There's something wrong with this film! It keeps sucking!”
“Yeah, your mom keeps sucking.”
“In soviet Russia,YOU watch BIG BROTHER”
- In about 31 minutes into the movie, one of the pages in the newspaper that Jimbo Wales (Tom Cruise) reads is blank, except for the words "This page does not exist".
- The character 188.8.131.52, played by Katie Holmes, repeats the phrase "Go eat shit fuckers" in no less than 178 occasions throughout the movie, the world record for a single phrase appearing in a movie. This phrase, though repeated 178 times, is the only spoken line that Katie Holmes has in the movie. Katie Holmes threatened to sue Steven Spielberg for casting her as such a one-dimensional character, stating that "I feel like a damn parrot saying that stupid line over and over again. And what kind of a stupid name for a character is "184.108.40.206" anyway??? What was Steven thinking?". The Supreme Court turned down the lawsuit on the premise that "Katie Holmes can't act anyway, so having her repeat the same phrase 178 times won't make much difference for her character".
- Many nerdy virgin fans were angry that HowTo:Fuck your Friend's Sister(s) And Get Away With It was left out of the movie.
- As many as 324 of the project staff, including actors, camera-men, extras, stunt men, make-up artists, writers and catering staff, was reported to have been eaten by grues while shooting the movie, making it one of the most (if not THE most) disastrous and tragedy-struck productions of all times.
- The Movie Uncyclopedia movie was not filmed on location on uncyclopedia.com. Much of the filming was done in Scotland, Jimmy's house, and on YouTube. There would have been an awesome scene in Canadia, but then we realised that country does not exist. So we created it. Seth Green is dictator for life.
The Uncyclopedia Movie was given an NC-17 rating by the MPAA, but it was appealed to an R-rating by Wilde for "pervasive strong crude sexual humor and language including sexual dialogue, nudity, sexuality, drug and alcohol use, Geneva-convention violating acts, and for comic graphic bloody violence", in order to appeal to a wider audience. The MPAA, having dealt with Wilde in the past, gave up and released the film with a "G" rating instead. The UK's BBFC originally gave the film an 18 with the advice "Contains strong sex, language and violence"; upon appeal (and death threats from the producer, they dropped to a 15. Wilde, however, was not happy with this, and using a combination of some London-based snipers and some hacked emails about bribery, managed to secure a PG rating. The Australian ratings board, aware of these events, released the film with a G rating straight away, despite it passing even the R 18+ criteria.
- Poor concept? A massive understatement.
- Sorry, William Shakespeare, Charles Dickens, and J.R.R. Tolkien.
- Young boys only.
- For some reason Oscar likes to be misquoted. Don't Ask.
- Uncyctoshiramamax. Sounds Japanese, huh?
- Well, actually two. Un Day (Yeah. Right. Rock.), and Un Unch Unnails.
- Unbbey Road. Sounds British, huh?
- One Million, to be exact. Or, rather, "a" million.
- A parody of Uncyclopedia spun off of a Saturday Night Live skit that made fun of Uncyclopedia for a quick cash grab by SNL "comedian" Jimbo Wales.
- Or "a" hundred.
- Sorry, Maya Angelou.
- To keep die-hard Uncyclopedia fanboys away. Curse those scrutinous little fanboys!
- That teacher guy in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. You know, that guy.
- The "Un" part of Uncut must always be bold and italicized, so as to show a connection between Uncyclopedia and Uncut. Charming gimmick, eh?
- Or is that Benson?
- U for Uncyclopedia
- Uncyclopedia is the worst
- Worst 100 Movies of All Time
- Wal-Mart:The Movie -- A movie that was once intended to be The Uncyclopedia Movie, until screenwriter Stephen King discovered that Oscar Wilde was already at work on The Uncyclopedia Movie.