The United States of Whatever

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The United States of Whatever flag.
Official language Transpiranto
Capital Wherever
Largest City Somewherever
The Whaternator John Smith
Established by Liam Lynch Whenever
Currency Wen (flowing rate) (ώ)
National motto Yeah, whatever!
National anthem This is my united states of whatever, Blah blah blaam blam blam blah blam, and this is my united states of whatever!
Neibouring countries Lynchland
Mascot Nothing

The United States of Whatever, often abbreviated as the USW, is a country located on the Whatever Islands just off the coast of Super Asia.


Whateverans can never get enough dice.

Dice is the official game of The United States of Whatever, and playing dice is the cement of their culture. Rather than bonding over dinner, (or by watching television as is traditional in the USA) families in the USW spend most of their "family time" playing dice. One might expect these games to be friendly and not involve betting, but that is not the case. Entirely lacking of any affection, the games are blamed for the brokeness of the typical Whateveran family. Acts of violence, and even murder, are typical because of the tendency for family dice games to get out of hand. In one famous incident, a man went totally insane and killed everyone in his town just because his favorite pair of playing dice had been lost. At the end of his tantrum, he discovered that they had been in his pocket the entire time. He attempted to apologize, but it was useless since everyone was already dead. They later returned as zombies and ate the dude's flesh (much to his own annoyance). The tale is passed down among Whateveran families with the moral: "Always check your pockets before killing an entire town because your dice have been lost."

Because of the evil so-called "dice culture", dice have been outlawed in most countries near The United States of Whatever.

Social scientists are entirely befuddled by the actions of the Whateverans regarding the dice game. Most bets are made with ώ, (pronounced "Whateverdollar") the national currency, which is generally worth less than pocket lint.

Also the national phrase of the United States of Whatever is "Yeah, WHATEVER!!!!!"

Young people usually spend their time in front of fake scenery talking to people who are more enthusiastic than them by maybe a milliwhatever.


An aerial shot of the Whatever Islands, which are the location of The United States of Whatever.

Geographically, the United States of Whatever consists of a dozen islands, but most of the population lives on the easternmost one because it has all of the cool places to hang out. The most distinguishing landmarks in the United States of Whatever, which are also the cool places to hang out, these places are the beach, the corner the pool hall, the alley, and the Chuck E' Cheese.

The Alley[edit]

The alley is considered the coolest place to play dice, but is also most frequented by Officer Leroy, thus making it the riskiest place to play dice. Normally only the homeless people, punks and other such "wild youth" are the only people daring enough to play dice in the alley, though their have been a few documented instances of Mormon families playing dice in the alley for family home evening.

The Beach[edit]

Despite the fact that the USW is so far north, people still frequent the beach. Rather than actually engaging in activities typically associated with beach-going, citizens of the USW usually use the beach as a different environment for playing dice. People come dressed up in swimsuits with pool toys and beach towels only to settle down and start playing dice in the sand.

The Corner[edit]

The corner is the cool place where the young rebel and punk citizens of the USW gather to wear their leather. They are frequently bothered by the pesky Officer Leroy, and occasionally older citizens of the USW community.

The Pool Hall[edit]

The pool hall is one of the few places in the USW where not everyone is playing dice. Sometimes up to four people can be seen playing pool instead of dice.

Chuck E' Cheese[edit]

Ten years ago while building Chuck E' Cheese, the designers totally messed up in the specs and built it in the middle of nowhere. Although it takes about a day to acually arrive, all the parents love bringing their kids there to play dice with the friendly, yet often eerie, costumed mascots. Chuck E' Cheese is the local hangout for Rape Roger, who has been known to sometimes wear the costume, Anal Armedillo.


Though the USW is a highly populated state of about three dozen people, some citizens are more notable than others. Those who are especially distinguished are detailed below.


Kiki is a former delivery service witch. When she was eighteen, she gave up her business and moved to the USW to make a name for herself playing dice. Having given up on playing dice, she now lives underneath a beach umbrella on the beach and acts grossed out by some of the fat and/or old people who visit, especially if they wear a Speedo.

Officer Leroy[edit]

In times long forgotten, the United States of Whatever had a thriving police force, but today, Officer Leroy is the only police officer in the USW. He spends most of his time busting people for playing dice—which, technically, is illegal—especially in the alley. When he's not doing that he usually bothers the people in their leather on the corner by saying derogatory phrases like, "hey punk". He has occasionally also been spotted ticketing people for J-walking.


Zafo was unanimously voted the coolest person in the USW in 1932. He is the only citizen in the USW who has never played dice, this is because Zafo has never done anything. Despite this, people who see him walking around ask him, "Yo, Zafo. What's up?" even though they already know what his answer will be, "Nothin'".

Superhero Baxter[edit]

When Officer Leroy is out busting the punks at the alley, it's up to Baxter to save the day. Despite his profession however, he too enjoys playing dice at his superhero headquaters, which is found on the beach. Protected by really mean pubic crabs, he flirts with the local pre-teens and uses his eyebeams to make ice-cream cones for them. Although not as cool as Zafo, he's begun winning the local beauty pagents through out the states.

Rape Roger[edit]

Among the citizens of the united States of Whatever is Roger Rexington, who is by far the most perverse individual, when he's not playing dice, hes scouting the local Chuck E' Cheese for little kids to take back home. No one is sure what he does with them at his home, but if you ask Roger the answer will always be "we play monopoly". While their is no way to prove this statement true or false, one thing is certain, the children most always leave his house with bruises on their genitals, and are never the same emotionally again.