The Witches of Breastwick

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In this thrilling scene from the film, David Carter (left, dressed in animal costume) and his wife Tiffany (in blue dress) watch as a large pile of black fabric is steamed by Marcel Proust (right, playing with himself).
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The Witches of Breastwick is a pornographic motion picture filmed in 2005 at Seduction Studios. The film was directed by Jim Wynorski, whose previous work includes such cinematic milestones as Schindler's Jizz, The Deep End of the Ocean of Jizz, and Anal Conquerors From Beyond Uranus II. Wynorski (more commonly known by his real name, Dick Cheney) received the prestigious Lottaboobs Award for his work on the film.

Plot[edit]

The film opens with a young llama named David Carter (Matt Dalpiaz), chained to a doormat. Though fully dressed, he is nevertheless being sexually molested by three women dressed as Huey, Dewey and Louie from Disney's Donald Duck cartoons. Suddenly, one of them raises a knife, points it at him, and begins to spread margarine on his shoes, with no explanation given. This is soon revealed to be a "flashback" — one of many used with devastating effectiveness throughout the film — and in fact, Carter is merely telling his psychotherapist (Sigmundheimer F. Rhoid) of a recurring dream involving women in duck costumes. Shortly after his departure, Carter's psychotherapist and his assistant (Jodie Moore) order pizza from a local Italian restaurant, and in perhaps the most intense scene in the film, wait almost 25 minutes for it to arrive, during which time virtually no movement by the actors or the camera is detectable.

Once the pizza is fully eaten, the scene changes to Carter's car as it drives through a heavily-wooded area. Carter and his common-law wife, Tiffany (Monique Parent), stop and leave the car, walking into the forest. The camera focuses on beautiful views of mountain scenery, interspersed with extreme closeups of ravenous dung beetles eating each other. Carter and Tiffany have a lengthy discussion about the nature of sub-atomic particles, which is interrupted by the arrival of several black helicopters carrying men wearing Kevlar™ armor and gas masks who proceed to have a picnic lunch and chat aimlessly about the weather.

Once Carter and Tiffany return to their car, they discover that it has mysteriously been repossessed. Undaunted, they walk to a nearby futuristic office building to ask for a baloney sandwich. The security guard allows them into the building, where three extremely attractive women named Huey (Glori-Anne Gilbert), Dewie (Stormy), and Louie (Julie K. Smith) attempt to convince the couple to don large and elaborate animal costumes, "just to see if they fit."

Tiffany (Monique Parent) complains bitterly about her tight girdles throughout the film.

Carter makes a phone call to Enterprise Rent-a-Car, but is told that no cars will ever be available again, because the company is "bored with the goddamn asshole car-rental business." During the call, Louie is in the kitchen putting a dangerously massive dose of anti-depressants into the couple's corn cider. Offering to host the two wayfarers "as long as humanly possible," Carter retires to the guest quarters to take a shower, while Tiffany goes to a nearby tub of hot egg salad to purge in the most disgusting manner imaginable. She is soon joined by Huey and Dewey, and the three of them engage in a heated discussion about the crucial role of mechanized brigades during the latter years of World War I. Carter, now out of the shower, attempts to towel down but is beaten over the head by Louie with a baseball bat. Louie drags Carter's now-unconscious body into a nearby laboratory, where she attaches him to a sophisticated electronic brainwave-reading device and tries unsuccessfully to obtain his Wikipedia user account and password.

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Did you know…
...that The Witches of Breastwick has failed to win the Oscar for Best Picture for well over 80 years in a row?

Later that night, Huey, Dewey, and Louie hold a meeting in their conference room, during which the group's financial status is discussed in considerable detail. During this meeting it is revealed that the group's parent company, God Hates Furries Incorporated, is currently over $357 million in debt, with most of the money owed to the Rev. Al Sharpton for "miscellaneous toiletry expenses." While the three argue bitterly about which one is most responsible for incurring the expenses, a sexy and mysterious woman named Holly Holepunch (Taimie Hannum) forcibly enters the Carters' bedroom and wakes them up with an air-horn, such as those commonly used at sporting events to annoy people. After a short argument in which Holly angrily refuses Carter's demand that she disclose her social security number, she begins reciting passages from Marcel Proust in the original French while standing on one foot. Bored, Carter changes into a tuxedo and attempts to convert Holly to Scientology, with surprisingly little success.

The next morning, Carter goes out for a walk in the woods, while Tiffany stays in the futuristic office building and audits the company's financial records. In the woods, Carter again encounters Holly Holepunch, who warns him that Best Buy is having a "blowout sale" on digital cameras and that his fly is unzipped. In perhaps the most sexually charged moment of the film, Carter zips his fly, only to look up and find that Holly has mysteriously vanished. Later, during his walk back to the office building, he is viciously attacked by La Cacanya (Antonia Dorian), a masked Mexican female professional wrestler and noted anti-intellectual. After beating him nearly senseless, La Cacanya tells Carter to "stop whining and get a f***ing job," at which point she disappears in a cloud of noxious automobile exhaust.

Dialog Excerpts[edit]

"Honestly, this has never happened before. I'm usually very interested in this sort of activity. Hey, are you any good at Scrabble?"
David Carter, to Hole-Punch
"David only has a two-inch penis, but he has a winning personality. Somehow, he always manages to make me laugh! At his penis, I mean."
Tiffany Carter, to Dewey and Louie
"The crew were mutinous, they fought me at every turn... Ah, but the strawberries! There I had them! I was able to prove with deductive reasoning and diametric logic that a duplicate key to the storage locker did exist, and... Dammit, I'm in the wrong fucking movie, aren't I?"
Capt. Queeg, to the Naval Board of Inquiry

Critical Reaction[edit]

Coming soon to a crappy premium cable channel near you!

Early reviews of the film were mixed, with some reviewers calling it "the most erotically gripping film of our time" and "a total tour de force from start to finish," while other reviewers were somewhat less enthusiastic, referring to Dalpiaz's performance as "a disgrace to the amateur-porno acting profession," and to the film's story-line as "not especially plausible, even for a straight-to-video release." Perhaps the most damning criticism came from the film's own distributor, Twilight Adult Entertainment Co., whose president and CEO, Oprah Winfrey, took exception to the fact that the film, while ostensibly rooted in the pornography genre, contained "virtually no sexual or erotic content whatsoever."

Unfazed, Wynorski quickly announced a sequel to the film, to be entitled Whose Breast Is It, Anyway, with Dalpiaz and Parent reprising their roles as David and Tiffany Carter, along with a cameo by Leonard Nimoy as himself. The sequel is currently in pre-production at an unnamed rival studio.

Though the initial release of the film was less profitable than had been hoped, with opening-weekend box office receipts of less than $4.95, it quickly began to attain a certain "cult" status among nursing home inmates, unemployed zoologists, and people with body-hair implants. Sales of the DVD release were several times the original expectations of $0.00, leading Twilight to release a special two-disc "collector's edition" with added outtakes, cast interviews, a "Making Of" documentary, and several screenshots taken from Wikipedia's article on Animal sexuality.

In addition, a heavily-edited "soft-core" version was prepared for release to premium cable networks. However, Wynorski refused to allow his name to be associated with what he called "a bastardized travesty of my personal artistic vision," and as a result, the edited version was credited to Harold R. Blueberry, a local Amway distributor who was given a free blowjob in exchange for the use of his name in the film. Paradoxically, the only significant difference between the soft-core version and the original is that the soft-core version contains actual sex scenes.

Mysterious Aftermath[edit]

Soon after the film's release, several individuals connected with the production died horrible, painful deaths, beginning with the man known only as 71.141.139.208, who originally brought the film to the world's attention in the form of a poorly-written Wikipedia synopsis, reposted to another website which initially had no desire to see either the synopsis or the film itself. His demise (by firing squad) was followed by the death (by custard pie) of a man in Des Moines, Iowa whose attempt to improve the synopsis proved "dismally tedious" after only the second paragraph.

See Also[edit]