The goliath chronicles
“I support it two-hundred percent! Spread the germs!”
“Damn, I wish I could write characters like these guys. Um, this isn't being recorded, right?”
“Yeah, if you watch the Goliath Chronicles, you totally don't have to go to church.”
“Where can I find a loincloth?”
The Goliath Chronicles is perhaps one of the greatest, nay, THE greatest accomplishment in the history of television, although few people fully acknowledge its brilliance. It was the third season of the Disney animated series Gargoyles, although to be honest, comparing the first two seasons of Gargoyles to the Goliath Chronicles is a lot like comparing Return of the Jedi to The Empire Strikes Back. There is nothing in the universe like the Goliath Chronicles.
Greg Weisman has supposedly explained the sordid history of the Goliath Chronicles at ASK GREG, a page at the Station 8 Gargoyles website where Mr. Weisman graciously answers questions from fans about Gargoyles. This, however, is merely a cover-up as to the real reason the Goliath Chronicles exist.
In the Spring of 1996, Greg Weisman was enlisted by the Mole People to assist them in fighting a secret war against Saruman the White, who was trying to conquer Luxembourg. Mr. Weisman, who had once taken a blood oath to assist the Mole People in their time of need when he stumbled across their underground civilization in Antarctica in 1980, had no choice but to abandon Gargoyles in order to save Luxembourg.
Before he shipped out to Antarctica to fulfill his blood oath to the Mole People, Greg Weisman managed to write the script for one episode of The Goliath Chronicles, “The Journey.” He also left a basic outline for the remaining episodes, and some helpful hints for the production staff. It was uncertain whether they could pull it off without Weisman. It was then that God intervened by sending them the help of Scott Thomas, he guided the staff like an alchemist, turning animation into gold.
The twelve episodes of the Goliath Chronicles are nothing short of a miracle, and in fact there have been a few miracles credited with them, and recognized by the Catholic Church (see Facts About the Goliath Chronicles, below). Even today, the Gargoyles fandom considers it to be better than canon. Of course, if anyone ever goes to the Station 8 Gargoyles fansite and proclaims their love of the Goliath Chronicles, fandom members will deny its greatness. They’re just joking. Really.
The power of the Goliath Chronicles, with its epic story and careful attention to continuity, seemed ready to lead the world into a Golden Age. Unfortunately, the Federal Government, in its infinite wisdom, decided that the Goliath Chronicles were too good to be allowed to roam free. So they captured it and packed it into a crate, where it now resides in an undisclosed location on a shelf next to The Ark of the Covenant.
These days, the Goliath Chronicles can sometimes be seen very early in the morning on Disney XD. It was given this time slot deliberately, as part of the Government’s efforts to hide its awesomeness from the general public.
Egon Pax appeared in only one episode of the Goliath Chronicles, “To Serve Mankind,” but his impact upon the world has been shattering. Portrayed brilliantly by Val Bettin (whom most Gargoyles fans agree was cheated out of an Emmy), Egon Pax showed the world that humans and gargoyles can live in peace through being open minded and not discriminative Because pudding rules. Egon Pax was touched by the hand of God. Gargoyles creator Greg Weisman has a shrine to Egon Pax in his garage, to which he ritualistically sacrifices goats.
Facts About the Goliath Chronicles
- The Goliath Chronicles were known to be able to replicate fish and bread, sometimes spontaneously. It fed the audience at a Jethro Tull concert in Munich in 1997.
- Watching an episode of the Goliath Chronicles was known to cure several things, up to but not limited to: blindness, diabetes, Alzheimers, and cancer. It cured Oscar Wilde of his hysterical pregnancy. It was unknown if its power stretched to resurrecting the dead.
- The Goliath Chronicles could also somehow alter the chemical properties of water, and publicly did this on Saint Patrick's Day outside of a pub in Baltimore.
- The Goliath Chronicles invented pudding.
- Before the Government locked it away, the Goliath Chronicles was close to ushering in peace between the Jews and the Arabs in the Middle East.
- The Goliath Chronicles gave birth to Bruce Campbell.