The unusual hamstring pain fat people get when they sexual role play as babies, and how to cure it

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The Unusual Hamstring Pain Fat People Get When They Sexual Role Play As Babies, And How To Cure It is the controversial first Broadway production of German playwright Johann Mannkind Schei├česchatzbildner. The story is loosely based off of Schei├česchatzbildner's life during a time that he refers to as his "mid-twenties crisis," in which he struggled with both physical and emotional trauma due to his propensity for dressing up like a baby, sucking cocks, and shitting his diapers.

The 2014 production won a grand total of 10 Tony Awards, including Best Play, Best Performance by a Leading Actor in a Play (for Jason Alexander's role as Johnny Shithoarder, which was loosely based on Schei├česchatzbildner in his twenties), and Best Performance by a Featured Actor in a Play (given to Matthew Broderick for his portrayal of Mama Shithoarder, the gender fluid adopted mother of Jason Alexander's character).


Act I[edit]

Johnny Shithoarder is an aspiring playwright in his twenties trying to make it in the big city. He's fallen into the trappings of many of his contemporaries, working double shifts as a waiter in dingy New York diners to support the development of his craft. One crucial thing, however, sets him apart from his peers: his unparalleled love for wearing diapers and being nurtured by a loving mother figure. While others pursuing the same dream might work a double shift at the diner, engage in a social life, and use what little time they have left in the day to work on their writing, Johnny will push out a double shift at the diner, go home, and proceed to push out a double shit into the diaper that his "mother" Mama Shithoarder will have put him into for the night.

This routine continues for a few years, until Johnny's obsession spills over (quite literally, eventually) into the workplace. He enjoys the feeling of fecal matter pressing against his ass and dripping down his thighs so much that he begins wearing diapers to his job at the diner. However, lacking the nurturing care for his proclivities that Mama Shithoarder provides him at home, Johnny finds himself unable to change into a fresh diaper. Throughout the course of a busy night and many disgusted looks from customers the diner, the shit from his diaper cascades so fully down his legs that it comes out of his pants onto his shoes. While quickly pacing to the bathrooms to clean himself, Johnny slips so violently that he flips over backward and the shit comes spraying out his pant legs all over the ceiling. Needless to say Johnny no longer had a job the next day, as his boss said that he really let the shit hit the fan on a busy night.

Act II[edit]

Johnny, now out of a job, spends almost all of his time at home with Mama Shithoarder. He has difficulty walking due to the spill he took during his last night as a waiter, and is almost completely bedridden. Relying on Mama for almost everything, he's almost entirely sustained through her breastmilk and is only able to alleviate boredom by writing short plays on the wall with his own shit. Mama Shithoarder, unable to withstand the sexual tension created by multiple years of seeing Johnny nude and handling his excrement and urine, succumbs to her primal urges. She lets her strapless dress fall from her body, revealing a sleek, thick 9 inch penis that she promptly presses against Johnny's cheek.

What follows is a graphic depiction of Johnny and Mama Shithoarder dipping each others penises into shit and piss and fellating each other that goes on for thirty minutes or until Jason Alexander and Matthew Broderick run out of breath. The curtain drops, and the two proceed to fling fecal matter into the first few rows of the audience until everyone files out of the theater and the lights dim.

Critical Reception[edit]

While The Unusual Hamstring Pain Fat People Get When They Sexual Role Play As Babies, And How To Cure It received widespread acclaim from most critics and the voting body behind the Tony Awards, the New York Times gave it a less than stellar review. It was cited as "highly derivative," due to Broadway's propensity for producing plays that are forced masturbatory productions that just sling the same old shit at the audience, rated to be gayer than Neil Patrick Harris.


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