Thierry Henry

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“I dont like cock,we like cock”

“No relation.”

~ Henry V of France on Thierry Henry

“Hey Bobby,wanna fuck”

~ Thierry Henry on being French

“Va Va Boom ”

~ Thierry Henry on Terrorism

O Crap, Ronaldo is Watching!!

Thierry "Marcel Desailly is not my grandad" Henry, also known as Terry Henry and the "French Gibbon", is the world's greatest quick-free-kick-taker and also the world's second biggest traitor (after that guy Matt Damon plays in The Departed). He is France's all time leading goal scorer and was featured on the cover of the Mad Magazine issue showcasing The Worlds Strangest Looking Heads.

Early Life[edit]

He was born in a very rough neighborhood of France, called Les Willies, renowned for its gay gangs. Though the presence of the gang complicated Henry's choice of clothing, there was no violence apart from The Handbags Massacre of 1984. Henry disproved Einstein's Theory of Relativity when he ran faster than the speed of light. This curvature of spacetime contorted his lips into a 5 dimensional wormlike being with a mind of its own. He was pushed into football by his father, O. Henry, who foresaw his ability to score hundreds of goals against teams who no one have heard of.

Redshift due to near-light-speed travel


Rise to fame[edit]

Henry made his name scoring outrageously extraordinary goals after hypnotizing defenders with his psychedelic lip movements, for a club called Arsenal. His most famous goal is the one scored against a club called Manchester United, when he volleyed over goalkeepers' head with his back turned towards goal, while his eyes were closed and his hands were tied behind his back. The goalkeeper, Foolian Barthez, watched frozen as he thought Henry was blowing him a kiss. Henry has gained a reputation of being a cheeky twat, as he once convinced a referee to allow a goal he scored before kick off. Instant replays confirmed that indeed, the match was yet to begin.

However, his real claim to fame is noted in the 100 women night. Because he is such a pimp, one night after another Arsenal anal-rapage of Tottensuck, he went to the local bar. While there he reportedly impregnanted 100 women. And then, after those children were born, he created a country for them and called it Andorra.

Henry now plays for FC Barcelona along with superstars such as Ronaldinho, Diego Messi, Samuel L. Eto'o, Funk Rijykaard, and Alfredo Di Stefano De Iniesta.


Henry left Arsenal for FC Barcelona in the summer of 2007, one year after he swore on David Beckham that he will never ever leave Arsenal, even if he is offered the post of God of the Universe. Since his betrayal, his lips have lost their magical powers and thus he only scores shitty goals that no one favorites on youTube, not even Ruud van Nistelrooy, his wife.

Henry lost the 2006 Champions League Final with Arsenal to FC Barcelona as the referees were offered 27 Basque teenage virgins if FC Barracuda wins the match. Henry lips got very agitated due to this and spewed out abuse to its future teammates while simultaneously swelling to unimaginable proportions in the post match interview. It holds the Sky Sports record for The Biggest Whine After Playing Like Total Absolute Pure Piss (Trademark).

There are reams more to tell, but The Lips are watching... Its usually impossible for lips to watch, but Henry's Lips are metaphysical entities.

I am watching you...


Henry teaches his bitch a trick
  • The first footballer to orgasm after scoring a goal ( v Tottenham, 2002-2003 season).
  • The only footballer ever to miss 2 one-on-one's against the goalkeeper in the 2006 Champions League Final.
  • He has 14 children, and one poodle called Dixon.
  • He has played well for a grand total of 12 minutes in his career for France.
  • He has never scored a non-wonderous goal for Arsenal, except once when he scored with his left armpit.
  • He has only two speed settings - Walking and HyperLightSpeed.
  • Arsene Wenger cloned Thierry Henry and named him Theo Walcott.
  • The only footballer who can act like he is acting like he is using his left leg to pass in one direction, and then use his other to act like he is passing in a totally different direction, yet passes in the direction that the defender ( who is hypnotized by his Lips ) thinks the pass is NOT going.
  • Stole the talent of José Antonio Reyes, Sylvain Wiltord, Francis Jeffers, Michael Jackson and Jérémie Aliadière and never gave it back.
  • Has a love child with Angelina Jolie called Damien. Henry graciously reportedly bought Jolie a lip-balm manufacturing company instead of paying child support.
  • Holds the record for most number of goals scored from back passes of defenders.
  • Has the ability to smell goals. This is why his nostrils are open wider than a drunk Paris Hilton's legs. This is also the cause of most of his injuries - he once accidentally inhaled Roy Keane's mucus and never fully recovered.
  • Thierry Henry is a bisexual: fact; he had revenge sex with Adebayor in a club after he had a disagreement with Arsene Wanker. Subsequently he left Arsenal for Barcelona.