Things Invented By Scots

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Craig Charles Boats, a fine example of some of the millman's great work. Actually, you might find they don't exist.

For many centuries, the Scots have successfully deluded themselves into believing they are a great nation of men, women, hermaphrodites, sheep, and small people of indeterminate qualities. Scotsmen claim to have invented many devices of great inventiousness, such as erm.. you know... that thing... like... TV.... Oh wait.. no, that was the Americans. Well anyway. Certainly Scottish inventions are better than the rest of the world's inventions. Here is a list of Things Invented By Scots. Those inventious Scots!


Contrary to popular belief, tartan was actually invented by the French.

What is not disputed is that the famous Scottish inventor James Watt had immense difficulties with his shoelaces. There is a vague legend claiming he wrapped the ends of his laces in scraps of sheep's stomach, which then rotted. Some cite this as the inspiration for aglets, the little plastic thingies on the ends of shoelaces. The legend is disputed, however, with many calling it a load of bunkem.

Some say that the true purpose of aglets is sinister. All I want to know is how?

The Larch[edit]

Pointing to the heather-bedraped slopes of Ben Nevis, Scotsmen often say that in previous centuries the larch, which they claim to have invented, grew in great stands upon those windscoured slopes. Critics note that "only God can make a tree" and, furthermore, "only Jesus Christ -- or in a pinch John the Baptist -- can make a truffle". At this point in the discussion the Scotsman usually breaks a bottle over the critic's head, and a brawl ensues.

Note: New archeological evidence may have proved that John the Baptist was in fact Scottish and may have been able to down three vats of scotch when the need arose. Which more likely than not was every night.

Festering Wens[edit]

Unfortunately, everyone knows that wens were invented in Belgium by the Belgish. No, no, these were invented by the Scots to take care of the festers who were the molesters of the county. Wanking is a Scottish pastime. The champion is Gordon McShit.


Sadly, recent archeological research proves that this soncy chieftan o' th' pudding-race was first cooked up in Wales by a demented salmon-molester named Fenny Wynynlgnardlis. He found it too disgusting to deal with, however, and to get it out of Wales he mailed it by parcel post to Mrs. Tarnish na Skarfs of Murlaggan. The inhabitants of Murlaggan found the blackened goo rather to their liking, and promptly adopted the crazy Welshman's recipe.

A Scottish Delicacy because it costs nothing to make, and they spent all their money on booze.


At least this is a good Scotish invention. It's a thick black petroleum product noted for its fine flavor when spread on shortbread. It was the lucky outcome of research into making petroleum-based haggis. The English Marmite and Australian Vegemite are bad imitations of the original, full-bodied Scottish delicacy. Also a common ingredient in Scottish sushi.

The Feghaly[edit]

A Feghaly is a mythical prop or costume weapon based on a non existent fantasy weapon that really really did exist in the olde days and travelled between, and haunted, Lebanon (Lesbian) and Scotland in the olde days....also. T'is said to be bigger than the girth of one man and could only be wielded by Ogres or Trolls and whatever the sand equivalents of such things were.


Just the "mac" in the name says Scottish, the common paving material made of gravel held together with mite. The inventor was Tar Mac-something or other. He was so famous at the time, they didn’t include the rest of his name in the name of his invention, because everyone knew who he was, he was that famous. For some odd reason, Some places they call it asphalt paving, in less it is used for aircraft runways. Tarmac just has a nice jargonish ring to it.


Oh come on. Only God and Bono can make iPods. Which is the reason they are still considered today in the "fictional" inventions of the world.

Cock Fighting[edit]

It's got nothing to do with male chickens and everything to do with men naked from the waist down using their erect penises as swords. The bouts usually last 20 - 30 minutes and the loser is the first one who cries out, "och you've hurt ma boaby!" In the event of ejaculation the ejaculater is disqualified. Kilts were invented to avoid the removal of and make the bouts start quicker.


A Greek in a kilt and very nice red shoes with pom-poms. He looks quite the ponce, don't you think?

Well, actually, the ancient Greeks invented skirtlike garments that for all intents and porpoises are kilts. Greeks wear them to this very day when they are in a traditional mood. But nice try. Also, it is only really the Highland Scots, a region which was once completely Gaelic speaking, who wore kilts and not the lowlanders, so all this 'Am goan tae nut yooo' pish while in a kilt is really just a bit embarrassing and oh so woefully inaccurate.

“Tis on'y a skirt if ye wear summat beneath it”

~ Anonymous Scot (see above)

Alright, Sporrans Then[edit]

The Larch[edit]

One can recognize these fusty, sparsely needled trees from quite a long way away. However, Canadian aborigines invented the larch in the third millennium BC during a worldwide red-cedar shortage. The Scots had nothing to do with it.

The Edsel[edit]

Now that's just silly. The Edsel, known as Hitler's Folly, was invented by Henri Fiord of Detroit, Norway, in 1956. It was never a very popular car, and after failing to win Flop of the Year for two years running it was bronzed and sunk off the southern coast of Andorra.


Used in place of language by the Scots, dribbling was of course invented by the Phlegmish.

The sport of English-slaying[edit]

This was actually previously invented by the Romans, Saxons, Danes, Normans, Welsh and Irish. The Scots just perfected the art. Its favourite form comes in the shape of the 'trip tae wembley'. This is where aprroximately 20 thousand batchelors descend in pre arranged busloads all kitted out in national dress of kilt and accoutriments (see sporran and sghian dubh (gaelic for wee sharp sneeky knife in the sock)) scotland fitba top with tartan cap and obligatoy orange wig stuck under this. where upon reaching wembley the batchelors are challenged by the wimmen to bring back the baws of an english man if he can find them. The batchelors stock up with at least 30 litres of whiskey and a few crates of Bucky each to keep them going while hunting for said englishman. The other requirement is to attend said footie match and steal part of the pitch,goalpost or referee. This gives them the status of 'eligible'

The Very First Great Library of Alexandria[edit]

According to Wikipedia, Scots built the Great Library of Alexandria in America after fleeing the Vikings. This is disputed, however, by Mr. A. Great of Greece, who claims that he not only founded the city of Alexandria but built both the Great Library and the Great Public Lavatories as well. So the Scottish claim is disputed once again.


Known as the Athens of the South, the architecture of Athens was greatly influenced by that of Edinburgh. In particular the magnificent edifices of Dumbiedykes and Wester Hailes. Tough fact to swallow though because Athens had its architecture long before Edinburgh even had a building; but anyway.

Facial Deformity[edit]

The Facial Deformity Movement played an important role in the Scottish Sexual Revolution of the 1500s. The movement started when some bint fell down some stairs. Oscar (see below) witnessed this incident and exclaimed "Well thats pure braw, man, innit". Oscar's strong influence in the media led to a huge surge in bint/stair accidents and the Facial Deformity Movement was born. Coincidentally, this also prompted the creation of the Oscars. Scotland, however, does not claim responsibility for the Oscars "cause they're shite, man". dush

Buff Bin Hidden Gym[edit]

The Buff Bin Hidden Gym invented by Scot Graham Laird 2011. Manufactured in Orangeville, Ontario.

Smoo Cave[edit]

Smoo Cave is the finest example of Scottish Neolithic sculpting and architecture found anywhere in the world.

The IOU[edit]

The Scottish are among the first to borrow minuscule amounts of money (50 pence) with the promise of paying back the lender on a Tuesday.The collected funds would be used for pints, fags and haggis, only to claim complete amnesia on the Tuesday of collection. This was a very common practice until a group of Italians got together and invented the loan shark.


Sushi was first eaten in Arbroath and quickly spread across the country. The combination of raw fish, seaweed and other fruits of the sea where all staple of Scottish people long before Japan was invented by robots.

Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu[edit]

Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu was invented by Craig and Hamish Gracie in 1887.


Scotland is known to have invented spears.

The Netherlands[edit]

This too.

See Also[edit]