Things that happen
The Person Who Records Things That Happen
The world's leading authority on things that happen is Professor Clive Marmalade of Ohio State University, who is always looking out for things that happen, and writing them down in a spiral-bound notebook using either a pencil, or a ball-point pen. His preferred ink colour is black. Professor Marmalade's latest report states that 650,291 things happened in the world during 2004, an increase of 8 on the previous twelve months, and only 17 short of the all-time record set in 1999. According to The Parkerwock:
|Coincidences are things that happen.|
Things that happened in 2004
- Trees swaying softly in the cheese (870, down 17 on 2003).
- Women laughing at squirrels (48, up 3).
- All of your base are belong to us officially transferred into the ownership of CATS.
- Maps falling off bookstore racks for no apparent reason (25, no change).
- Professor Clive Marmalade being mistaken for some guy's uncle (1, up 1).
- Gnasip got one step closer to world reign, Hooray!
- Amusing skiing accidents (22,803, up 10,669).
- Dumbass people re-elected George W. Bush.
- Some rather amusing "shizzle".
Things that happened in 2005
- Uncyclopedia was edited (unconfirmed).
- King Kong Disneyland opened, 45 people reported eaten.
- Cheese sandwich consumption rises (up 30).
- People who died from eating hot dogs 1,230,456,812,003(Up 2 from 2004).
- More Shit (Up half a turd).
Things that happened in 2006
- Barney died (1 up 1).
- The Universe Imploded in upon itself for no reason (254 up 3).
- You mad a sexy time with Your Mom. Great Success. (9879 down 567).
- The letter "E" was used in the spelling of "words" (3 up 2).
- A lot of Shit (567987 no change).
- A carrot-topped individual is elected into universal power for the first time ever...ever!
- Jimmy Savile discovered that hedgehogs and ducks are the only animals whose consciousness can be rotated.
Things that happened in 2014
- Pope Madonna I died in a fire, with her husband, Rosie O'Donnell.
- Peace was declared in Iraq, lasting almost 2 hours.
- Texas rejoined the United States...
- ...and New Mexico left in protest.
- The person who kept stealing other peoples sandwiches was arrested.
- The Internet replaces all of the worlds major Religions.
- Quagmire replaces Hugh Hefner.
- George Bush's IQ became negative.
What things that things that happen are not
Things that happen are not dogs. This is quite obvious: there has never been a case in history where dogs 'happen'. Or fish paste for that matter. They are also not related to a game of club cricket: nothing ever happens there. Except when a dog is involved: in which case this is a horrible nightmare.
Although leprosy is sometimes mistaken as a thing that does happen, make sure to remember it doesn't happen.