Third world

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The UnHuman Development Index -- UNDI-X (pronounced "un-dee-x" is a measurement which certain scholars use as a means to define the Third World and the countries which form part of it. However, the term "Third World" originated with Benjamin French, president of the World Bank from 1952 to 1968. Prior to heading the bank, French ran a private lending operation in the Bronx for people with limited capital. Know, colloquially as loan shark, Big Benny, would often refer to those people who were late in their loan obligations as "dumb turds" and was often heard yelling to his office staff "Get out there into the turd world and bring me some money!"

Locator map of third world

When French moved into international lending to foreign governments, the phrase started to apply to countries whose presidents and leaders were in danger of having their kneecaps pulverized.


Current Situation[edit]

Today, however, the term, Third World, is frequently used to denote nations with a high UNDI-X, independent of their bill payment status. This means that virtually any country that has a significant number of chimpanzees, orangutangs, kangaroos or even sloths which have at least a high school diploma could be included.


Undi roots[edit]

There is a direct relationship between nations who had a tendency to borrow heavily from the World Bank in its early days and the education of non-humans. In the early days it was very popular for countries to borrow funds which were destined for "Education of National Residents." ENR Loan guidelines laid out that the amounts to be loaned would be determined by the number of students enrolled in government operated schools and that repayment of the loans was not to begin until 12 years after the initial funds were advanced, so as to allow the workforce to become educated and start earning money which the government would tax and use to repay the loan.

Because of the wide language differences of the debtor countries and the US where the World Bank was headquartered, and the relatively lax preliminary investigations performed to qualify borrowers, many foreign governments greatly inflated the number of students by including large numbers of monkeys, macaques, baboons, guenons, capuchins, marmosets, apes, tamarins, chimpanzees, gorillas, gibbons, and orangutans in their enrollment lists. On the rare occasions when on-site inspections were conducted, the inspectors, who were lavishly wined and dined, bribed and otherwise manipulated, would report on the strange costumes worn by the students who frequently displayed "deformities and disfigurations never seen or heard of in civilized countries." In fact, for many years the inspectors were so horrified by the strage appearance of these students they kept a considerable distance from them for fear of possibly being infected with the malady which they believed had caused their disfiguration.

Discovery[edit]

The deception wasn't discovered until 1966 when a Chimpanzee, from Burundi, applied for a student visa after being accepted to study computer technology at M.I.T. Immigration authorities, who could find no appropriate classification under which they could admit this hairy educated primate, began by questioning the validity of his educational creditials, which were totally in order. Their investigations eventually lead to the revelation that no less than 13 million non-humans had been educated under financing arrangements procured through the World Bank between 1952 and the date of the investigation.

The end result of this scam perpetrated on the World Bank, is that today Third World countries have more civilized animals than are found in highly developed industrialzed nations and you are less likely to step in doggy poo on a city street than you would in one of the OECD nations.


Government[edit]

Government official

Government in most Third World countries tends to be conducted in specially built government fortresses called "zoos", with the wildest of the creatures such as senators, kongressmen, and other selected representatives, kept well segregated from the populus so as to not contaminate their simple, unaffected lives.

Newpapers, television and other news media keep a continual vigil on the activities of these beasts to warn citizens when they might be in public areas and report verbatim most of the statements which they make so that people might not be mistaken into believing that any of these ideas had originated from any reputable source or from some authority who really knew what they were talking about..

General Conditions[edit]

Mario and luigi general.png

Conditions for generals in Third World countries is good. Generals receive higher than average pay and have extensive free benefits. Most generals have considerable numbers of peons to do their menial tasks and virtually unlimited budgets to purchase the latest toys and equipment for war games. Maturity is not a requirement to be a general, however, since most generals are of an advanced age this requirement is often misinterpreted. Working conditions are non stressful and real wars are seldom fought although considerable sword rattling is often necessary when paticipating in international events. Occasionally it may be necessary to kill dissidents or critics, but this can usually be delegated to subordinates. Retirement is not usually required until one is good and ready for it, however, Swiss bank accounts are a commonly used measure in case of insurrection.

Labor Market[edit]

Unemployment in Third World countries is confined to people out of work who can't find jobs. Minimum wages are as low as they can possibly be and are paid only to workers who are employed. Labor Unions are permitted under certain conditions provided that they do not intefere with people who are looking for work, who are working, or who have held a job at some time in their lives. Three strikes are the maximum permitted. No more than four balls are permitted in a year, unless replaced by family picnics.


Vacations are generous, often as much as 1.3 weeks without pay after 20 years of continuous service. In recent years, largely due to the influence of imported TV programs, it has become increasingly popular to request permission to take vacations in several partial periods, rather than using the accumulated time in one long vacation. Especially popular, is the practice of taking one day's vacation per week, reducing the worker's week to only six days for as many weeks as he is entitled to vacation.

Some governments in the third world have begun serious consideration of creating legislation making it legal for a worker to request such an arrangement. After taking a vacation, the worker, is given the option of returning for another qualification period with full minimum wages, or continuing on vacation until retirement age.

Retirement is optional for people who are under 105 years of age, the option people have is to continue eating or to retire with a calorie-free, protein-free and nutrient-free diet.

Children are permited to work as soon as they become toilet trained and thus are able to earn their own spending money, which they can use to purchase wine for their parents, or pay for their own clothing and education if they have abandoned their parents. As an incentive to encourage youngsters to work, governments seldom tax the income earned by these persons unless they exceed the equivalent of $1.95(US) in any week, which is extremely rare.

Education[edit]

IH Percent
F 0-5
F 0-5
E 6-9
D 10-20
C 21-49
B 50-52
A 53
9 54-74
8 75-78
7 79-81
6 82-89
5 90-95
4 95.1-95.25
3 95.26-95.99
2 96-98.99
1 99-99.99999
0 100 or better

State sponsored education is for ignorant citizens who don't have a clue. The primary objective of this is to train them to complete menial tasks without complaining and to punch time clocks with monotonous regularity. Secondary objectives include formation of ridgid, regulation-bound bureaucrats, and dull, uninspired teachers for future generations. Personal initiative or "getting a clue" is not encouraged. Those who get clued-in generally become drop-outs and entrepreneurs who hire graduates of state educational institutes, becoming rich in the process.

The grading system for state examinations is the inverted-hexadecimal (IH)scheme of 0 to F where F is the lowest and 0 is the highest. A rough comparison to the common percentage based grading systems is shown in the table at the right:

Health Care[edit]

People care very much about their health in third world countries. The concern for health has become so great in certain countries that laws have been passed to permit people who suffer from advanced degrees of stress related to their anxiety over health, to receive two aspirin tablets and a glass of water before going to bed at night.

Tribal chanting and ritual dances are the principal therapy provided for all but the most critical of maladies. Grave illnesses, such as migrane headaches, multiple pregnancies, and sprained ankles are generally dispensed with rapidly and humanely via a single bullet between the eyes of the afflicted person.

Liberty[edit]

Personal freedom is extensive and a serious matter in the third world. People are free to do anything they want as long as it is not against the law. Laws are used to create criminals. People who do things which are not allowed by the law are called criminals and being a criminal can cause a person to be arrested and put in jail.

Criminals, after spending several days, weeks or months in jail may be tried in a court where a judge will decide whether or not they are guilty. If they are guilty they continue to be criminals and are given free room and board at a state-owned facility, otherwise they become known as "suspected criminals" and have to pay for their own meals and lodgings at a location of their choice.

Criminals frequently have special rights and privileges which ordinary citizens do not. Included in these are free medical and dental services, free clothing, free rent and no taxes to pay. They automatically receive life-long membership into a group which receive special attention from policemen and law enforcement agencies, and are guaranteed space in a dentention facility simply be being present at a crime scene (no advance notice required). They are encouraged to live under different identities and thereby have the opportunity to meet people and make friends in new locations and in varying circumstances, which other citizens burdened by their own background and reputations might not ordinarily experience.

Other Conditions[edit]

Key element in Knowledge index

Life expectancy in Third World countries begins at birth and continues until death, for most people. Females out number women by a very slight margin and baby boys are born before their first birthday. Deafness is unheard of, and blindness is rarely seen. Knowledge, as measured by the adult literacy rate (with two-thirds weight) and the combined comic books, bumper stickers, and T shirts with catchy slogans (with one-third weight) is often over 90. The standard of living, as measured by the consumption of Big Macs, divided by the number of M & M's in a gross is frequently left to others to worry about.

Each year, UN member states are listed and rankled according to these measures. Those who score high often flaunt it because it helps to attract better soccer players for their national teams, and higher TV broadcast royalties and endorsement fee for their team's coffers.

See Also[edit]