Days of the Week
It is commonly known that today is the longest day, lasting the equivalent of four normal days. Today will not become tomorrow. Instead tomorrow will become Tuesday, next Tuesday will become April, and April with become a month long feast to celebrate popular gay and tv personality Dale Winton
“I was born on a Sunday”
Once a week, on Sunday, the oldest known weekday, the world is flooded with radioactive radiation. To protect themselves, people seek refuge in shelters known as churches. The monkeys will then dance. People who don't go to church get seriously messed up by the flying ones.
Beginning on this day of the week, Sunday is one of the finest days to conduct a blowjob using a stapler, seventeen pages from 567-584 in Cryptonomicon, and issue 26 of the official Jesus magazine. At approximately 8:00PM, when the clock strikes 2:15, someone cracks a dental joke about two-thirty. This is then followed by a massive group orgy involving the usage of an XBOX 360 wireless headset, a hilarious pizza hat and an easter basket full of cotton swabs. Sadly, the rabbit did not make it through this ordeal.
Sunday is a day of rest, but Sunday itself rests not.
Sunday is the only day that the Sun relaxes and tells Antarctica to fuck itself.
Sunday is international Ice cream day
Sunday is the day of the sun
Sunday is the day Jesus rose
Sunday is Gloomy...Yes.
Sunday will eat your brains... what? You're not using them.
Sunday is the day where we dont finis..... ... scrap it
Sunday's on the phone to Monday. Tuesday's on the phone to me.
Sunday also seems to be frat boy day
According to U2, Sunday is very bloody.
According to Maroon Five (5) it's also raining and you usually drive around.
The Smiths wish everyday was like Sunday.
Sunday is also known as "Oh God I've Got Work Again Tomorrow Day"
If a Christian catches you working on a Sunday, they will Slowly kill you.
Sunday is the day all of the Catholics get together and realize thanks to Moses, they get Saturday off, and Thanks to Super Mega Jesus they get Sunday off, and if there was just five more good Jewish boys like that, they could get the whole sticking week off!
Sunday is the day where you spend all day long with your MySpace page.
Sunday is very hot.
Sunday is the Peace of God and the supreme leader of the International Anarchist Council.
Sunday is also the day we watch FOOTBALL! Yay!
Famously known as the Easter Bunny's lattest attempt to replace Sunday in order to become an object of worship.
Monday is a day. Monday is also shit. Named after the King Louis the III's concubine in waiting demanded a day off at least once a week, hence the term "Mon Dei" or Monday is a small rectangular day known only to grow in the tropical islands of the Outer Hebrides. It was discovered in 1421 when a small group of travellers who had got lost on the way to York happened upon a Monday tree. Historian Biggy Smalls Sr., however claims that Monday was actually discovered by the Vikings when they travelled to America on their little wooden boats. Sadly, the Monday being the only known explosive fruit, most of the group were killed outright upon its discovery. (The pineapple is also an explosive fruit, but it is unknown.) The three remaining survivors were able to return to their home town in Kent with only superficial burns and a small cache of the dangerous fruit. This was cultivated for many years and Mondays were even used as part of the Gunpowder plot - an attempt to rid England of its oppressive advertising industry publications by replacing ink in their printing presses with gunpowder. After this successful terrorist action, the word 'Monday' was only ever uttered with praise and awe.
The origin of Mondays has been by discovered by Professor Keanbean. During his unmentionable experiments on various fruits, he discovered that Mondays contained genes from both Satan and a papaya. The best explanation for this is when Satan fell to Earth, he got lonely and ejaculated into a papaya.
It was later discovered that Mondays are actually not dangerous once their 'seeds' have been removed. You will often find Mondays served in such renowned restaurants as 'Ken's Cafe' and 'The Van On The Sliproad Just Off The A47'. It is claimed that Mondays have healing qualities. This is completely true. However, if the seeds are not removed, they can cause chaos and the band Widespread Panic.
In recent news Monday has been deemed International Bring-a-Gun-to-School Day. Many office workers jealous of the inability to bring their favourite guns to work. Teachers world-wide point and laugh (most holding guns).
Monday monkey lives for the weekend.
Monday is a homosexual.
Monday is a schitzophrenic rapist with an IQ of 19.
Monday is a day.
Monday is the day that Gonzalo Salazar, the spanish sex symbol, was not born.
Monday had a crush on Saturday for a long time.
Monday is the day which contains the most amount of Monday-ness, by volume, which of course means it is prone to heavy drinking
Sunday's on the phone to Monday. Tuesday's on the phone to me.
It is claimed that the Boomtown Rats, particulary Bob Geldof, do not like Mondays. In fact, Monday was so devastated upon hearing the news, that, in anger, Monday would take revenge, and incaded Poland.
The day when aliens are going to invade Earth, take our women, kill our kids and eat all our food.
- For the US President, please see Ruby Tuesday.
That day named after the Geek God of Banknotes, Frank. 2 or 3rd day into the weekly cycle of 5pm news broadcasts. 2 for 1 movies and bowling. A lot of important things happened on a Tuesday, notably the French Revolution, the destruction of Mars and 1934.
Until supper time, Tuesday was thought to be a day of the week, mainly. Now, it has come to most of the world's knowledge, that Tuesday is actually a secret love-child of Monday and Thursday. Monday and Thursday are either both male or both female, thus, some choose Tuesday as their weekly "coming out" day in the underground lesbian and gay community.
Tuesday had some hard times after the public found out about its background, that it was really a child of Monday and that other day that suck so much. These racialist bastards threw eggs at Tuesday during around ten o'clock-time
Known by all as 'the day that god is definitely paying attention' (see: God), there is one simple thing to do to gain prosperity and a fulfilling existence. Go pee. God is said to have blessed Tuesday with a 2nd, 3rd, 4th and last name, something that no other day has. Tuesday's full name is "Tuesday Smelly Pantheon Trotter Billy-Tyke".
Frequently known to be on the phone talking to monday.
Tuesday fucked Monday and had little Wednesdays.
Tuesday is the day you buy a newspaper by accident.
Tuesday is the day tha Roboldo the peruvian monkey was discovered.
Tuesday is a lolla day.
Tuesday is a sacred day for the worshipers of "Dr. House" as it is the only day new episodes are released.
Sunday's on the phone to Monday. Tuesday's on the phone to me.
See You Next Tuesday is a way of telling someone you think they are a c(o)unt... or something.
Many have attempted to file suits against Tuesday because of the massive food genocide it caused, codenamed "Ruby Tuesday".
Everything is OK on Tuesdays. Even sex with goats
This is the day not known by many. It was made by the Greek in 1993. They used the day to make fun of the Islamic people and their horses. When they would pray, thay would pray with their mouths open. This left them vunerable. The Islamics would creep up and Fag on the Greeks, their only weakness. Their mouths were sticky and they were all defeated. We celebrate this day, Fag Day, to celebrate this great accomplishment, and because fag fag fag, all over the place. Sweet.
Hump day takes place on the first Monday of the last week of the first year of the last century. A festival is usually held by Christians in Orlando Bloom's living room. It contains the lighting of the farts, and the humping of many sofas and seats alike. 99% of all people under the age of 8 that play on xbox live celebrate this day, including You. http://www.breakitdownblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/halo_teabag.gif
Wednesday is simultaneously the third day of the week and the fifth month of the year. It is the only such anomaly. Wednesday is the day after Microsoft Patch Day. Famous Wednesdays include D-Day, P-Day, and Q-day. You have a one in seven chance of being born on a Wednesday. You have a one in twenty chance of being able to spell Wenzdae correctly. Wednesday is also a national holiday. Wednesday is pronounced wed-ness-day, and is so named as this is traditionally the day that the Loch Ness Monster picks a young local girl to wed, before eating her right in time for next Wednesday.
Wednesday is in the middle of the American workweek. This means that on any given This is a picture of Wednesday, you will have been working for as long as you can remember, and you will continue to work the same amount until the Weekend, an abstract concept which your employer vehemently denies. Wednesday is known as "Hump Day" not because of this central location in the workweek, but rather to commemorate the birth of Quasimodo, the famous hunchback of Notre Dame.
The Einsteinian model of physics holds that Wednesday is the only day on which people have sex. According to an international agreement of the United Nations from 1957, Wednesday is agreed to be the day when the best TV program in the history of television is broadcast. Wednesday is the scary little sadistic girl from the Adams family, who tortures her fat little brother; it's okay though, he's a masochist.
"Windex Wednesday" is the only day of the week in which it's socially acceptable to drink window cleaner. (Commonly referred to as Windex, Ajax etc. and efficiently removes soap scum, dirt and bacteria.)
Wednesday's Nursery Rhyme: Wednesday's child is short and fat, walks like a duck, and can't find his crack.
Many people consider Wednasday to not be an actual day of the week, but a well disguised attempt by the government to increase the working week. This theory, dubbed the "Tuesday conspiracy", is gaining momentum with every passing day. The Campaign for Obliteration of Wednasdays (C.O.W.) now has over 8 members, and has been holding protests and riots every other wednesday for 18 years.
Wednesday is the only day of the week which claims the ability to play football, although regular fornightly appearances to demonstrate such ability have not been confirmed since 1996 when God was sold to Falkirk, then Bradford City. Such comical and financially unfathomable attempts at the beautiful game have been seen as the work of the C.O.W. to make Wednesday implode under the immense and seemingly random pressure fluctuations caused by her followers' belief.
Wednesday was once believed to be the father of Anna-Nicole Smith's baby, but declined an interview. Despite Wednesday's persistence in denying his parenthood, Friday continues to refer to Wednesday as the "Day God Made While Smoking Pot."
Duke Nukem Forever will be released on a Wednesday, although no-one knows which one.
- Today is Thursday and today what we are doing is math.
- Thursday was invented by Al Gore as an april-fools joke, but later escallated, because of the fact that everyone believes Al Gore speaks only the truth.
- THURSDAY IS A LIE! Instead, you can use one of the less used days, like Unzdag
- Counting from Unzdag, Thursday is the second day of the week, and is Thor's true love.
- Thursday is the patron saint of death metal.
- Rotating Thursday by produces the result Christmas Day + i * Wedding Anniversary, whose beautifidelity magnitude is several thousands of your favourite currency unit.
- Looked at closely, from the correct angle and with the right amount of squint, Thursday appears to be almost entirely blue.
- Nursery Rhyme: Thursday's child is full of shit, born to lie, and late to work.
- There are two isotopes of Thursday. The more massive one is known as 'Heavy Thursday' and is sometimes used illegally as a source of apathy (fortunately, this narcotic form is relatively rare). The lighter form is known as Bob.
- Scientists at the University of Thursdayness agree that Thursdays are the best days of the week and provide happiness and joy for all those who celebrate Easter by dancing around the Thursday-pole. This celebration, generally confused with May Day, is exciting and energetical.
- Meanwhile most intergalactic hitchhikers have concluded that they disagree with these scientists since 1. the scientists are slightly cheaper than they are, and 2. they "never could get the hang of Thursdays" anyway.
Thursday is a drinking day.
- Arthur Dent could never get the hang of Thursdays. Fortunately, shortly after admitting this fact the earth was destroyed thus eliminating any earthly causes of Thursday discomfort
- the "thurs" in thursday is latin for "back in the". so when people say "back in the day" they mean thursday. it is true because dane cook said so
Thursday is douche day. Bono was born on a Thursday, therefore it is doucheday.(He's so nice, he makes everyone look like shit, that's why he's a douche)
Doub-O Awareness Day
- People everywhere are forced to watch a lame TV show about how Doub-O is missing, and how they should skip school and work in a national effort to find him. These happen every minute.
“I was born on a Friday”
Friday occurs mainly after Thursday, though it is known to be erratic, often turning up randomly in between other days, and sometimes scattering its hours throughout the week. You have a one in twelve chance of spelling Friday with a Q.
Friday is the end of the American workweek. This means that on any given Friday, you will have been working for as long as you can remember, and will be asked to stay over the weekend by your manager because, well, that's the American Way of life.
Friday is pronounced fry-day because by the end of the work week you are fried. Depending on which culture you live in, you may be fried metaphorically or literally. It is also pronounced Frigya (as in, "Thank god it's Frigya") in certain parts of the world
Friday is a good day for eating a hotdog.
Friday is also well known for parties, especially in South Africa (Yes this is a country, But it is amazing that they have clubs)
Friday produced a series of movies, based on her life story being married to Jackie Robinson-Crusoe while stranded on an island, in Ice Cube's Friday series, Friday, Next Friday, Good Friday, and video released TGI Friday. The original story was depicted in the movie The Blue Lagoon starring Brooke Shields as Friday. There was much controversy surrounding her production of that movie centered on the clothing-optional portrayal Friday chose to show her stuff in. Friday made a brief cameo in each film, but it was cut out by the director in each.
Friday is the day of frying in New Zealand. The men crack the eggs and the women prepare the fire.
Friday is not a good day for eating a hotdog bun.+
friday is the day when you ant wear undeware because its 'no kacks friday'
In the case that Friday, and Saturday are an insufficiant ammount of time to view all the mind molting TV show marathons, blockbuster movies, and videogames that one intends to watch whike indulging in junk foods, Fraterday offers an extra ammount of hours to do this. Fraterday is not perceived by those who actualy have lives away from a TV or commputer screen(s).
Saturday is a shocker day once a year, sometimes just before Friday (although it has occasionally been caught fraternizing with Sunday as well). Since the lunar cycle is slightly longer than six days, every twenty weeks a seventh day (Saturday) is added to the week. A week which includes Saturday is known as a "Leper Week".
Saturday is also known for parties, sometimes they are extended from Friday.
In many cultures, Saturday is celebrated as the day of simultaneous shitting, where everyone takes a huge shit and then returns to their normal activities. After all, Saturday is the only day of the week with a turd in its name.
If you can see the fool moon on the sky, than you can hope that next day will be Saturday, but don't give to much hope for that.
This is the day in which those who have participated in Fraterday feel the combined effects of all the things they have ingested over the course of Friday, Fraterday, Saterday, and even the proceeding Sunday if they so happen to miss church tomorow. These things usualy include Twinkies, Krispy Cream Doughnuts (by the dozen), McDonnald's, sweet salty and buttery popcorn, solidified suggar, pepperoni greese, bacon fat, pie crust, and fried frying oil fried with fried suggar. Expansion of the belly is regular as is the descovery of new chins. Do not attempt to weigh yourself on your bathroom scale that day, doing so may risk injury of bolth you and the scale.
Midday occurs about once every three weeks, in Scandinavia mainly, but occasionally further south. It is sandwiched between Thursday and Friday. Often it starts at around quarter to five on a Thursday afternoon and ends at about nine-thirty Friday morning, although there are seasonal variations. Many people don't notice it or pretend it isn't there.
In 2001, five Norwegian seal-cullers from Norway calling themselves the Norske Mitdag Aallians decided to raise awareness of Midday among the locals of the sleepy fishing village of Haaki. Every three weeks they rang a copper cow-bell in the market square of Haaki, to mark the start and end of Midday. Their campaign has not received widespread attention, and Midday remains largely ignored.
On Thursday 24th September, 1973, a shortened Midday occurred in Istanbul, Turkey, lasting just over seven hours. This is the most southernly observation of Midday since records started.
May Day is the World Day of Distress. People everywhere panic and engage in traditional May Day activities including -
- Sinking Ships
- Shooting planes from the sky
- General Rioting
- LAPD officers busting knee caps
- Launching of missiles
- Blowing up stuff
- Killing people and/or animals
- Remembering the Titans
- Releasing Chuck Norris
- Fending off the horde of mutant armoured kittens.
May Day can happen any day, any month, of any year. Nobody can predict when it is going to occur, save to say that it happens when you are least expecting it.
There are several people who try to not celebrate May Day, so called "May Day Nay-Sayers", claiming that the mass panic is not good for society. However, these people are usually captured and subjected to the horrific "May Day Slaughter Ritual", where May Dayers dress up in epileptic fit-inducing colors and dancing around a pole constructed from the bones of past May Day Nay-Sayers. This is enough to make anyone go crazy.
- Note: If you are hungover and searched for this hoping to remember last night's events, we recommend the article what happened to you last night.
Yesterday was also notorious for its involvement in one of the Six Laws of Grammar; you can only say 'Yesterday was...', not 'Yesterday is...'.
Yesterday was also when you had your shit together, because you obviously don't today.
- Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
- Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
- Oh, shit. ~ McCartney
Also, the "USA Today" contains news from yesterday, not today. So why don't we call it the "USA Yesterday"?
An urban legend started and propagated by crack heads as a means of delaying payment.
Although accepted as purely farsical and impossible since 1985(with the destruction of the Delorian), still many philosophers have theorised the existence of a day after today, but this has been widely discounted as irrational and crack headish.
Some people have crack headishly claimed tomorrow is actually the top-secret laboratory where all the world's new technology is invented.
Rumors about tomorrow:
- Tomorrow Never Knows
- The sun will come out tomorrow.
- You will not see your destiny tomorrow. You won't see your destiny anywhere.
- The sun won't come out tomorrow.
- Thinking about tomorrow clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow.
- I'll do it tomorrow.
- Whatever tomorrow brings, I (possibly) will be there.
- You have to hang on till tomorrow, come what may.
- You don't have to hang on till tomorrow, come what may.
- Tomorrow is another day.
- There is no tommorrow.
- I love you, tomorrow.
- I don't love you, tommorrow. Like I did yesterday, and.. Today.
- Tomorrow never dies.
- You'll probably regret reading this tomorrow.
- You will respawn tomorrow, if you teamkilled enough before dying.
- English is the only international language and Chinese can do nothing. You should be happy.
- You must eat tomorrow.
- People should hide their heads and drown their sorrows, no tommorow.
Tomorrow is inextricably linked with sorrow. At least 90% of all songs will not refer to the former without referring to the latter. Scientists have been unable to determine the cause of this coincidence, at least until they pay their lab rent tomorrow.
Contrary to popular belief, tomorrow is not actually tomorrow, but is in fact the day before, the day after, the biannual birthday of the hypotenuse of the pythagorean constant divided by Thursday and factored into Christmas. This number is then multiplied by a factor of Paris Hilton and divided by G. After all this you are still nowhere near the true value of Tomorrow, and even scientists on super big computers like the size of the your head have only been able to calculate tomorrow to H decimal cats.
NOTE: Tomorrow has been cancelled due to lack of interest.
Toyestermorrowday is the the shortest day of each week. Unlike other days, it only lasts 42.999 minutes. Many sex crimes are commited on this day, more than all of the other weeks combined. On this day, many scientologists come run into black people's homes and jump on their couches. Toyestermorrow day is often accompanied by blue moons and flying pigs. Many celebrities have been born on Toyestermorrowday, including Mariah Carey, Bill Gates, Oprah, Vin Diesel, and Dick Cheney. Christmas is always held on the last Toyestermorrowday of December.
Noterday is Yesterday's bastard half-brother. It is like yesterday but more negative and causes hives in all who experience it. If you've ever broken out in hives all over your body you've probably experienced a noterday. (It was not the fact you were romantically involved with a donkey in a haystack.) Noterdays occur randomly and are, other than the whole 'hives' thing of no real scientific or nutritional value. usually they involve Chuck Norris round house kicking your face.
Also EarthBound (Please oh god get the joke)
The Day Of Rockening
The Day Of Rocking usually comes after a Wednesday, just before Thursday although has occasionally been known to show up on Mothering Sunday. It is a fat cousin of the Apocalypse that always shows up when you need him the least and lays around on your couch, eating everything in your fridge, not showering and teaching your daughters the joy of sex long before they need to know it. A pervert and a overall cunt The Day of Rockening taught Michael Jackson all he knows and actually wrote the singles "Bad", "Billie Jean" and that crap one he did with Paul McCartney (the latter a poor attempt to end Micheals career) in his more entusiastic days when he actually gave a damn about something. An accepted scientific theory, put forward my prominent Bachelor of Science (yeah right) Dr D More, that The Day of Rockening should be avoided at all costs, no matter how much Lordi beg he comes round for a sleepover. Also, the day when Microsoft owns all games consoles, and Bill Gates becomes the ultimate ruler of the world.
Toyotathon is a day near tax time to celebrate Toyota's complete and utter lack of business ethics questionable taste in company policy. The events that are held on this day are varied, ranging from human crash-test dummy, gasoline chugging contest, asian-woman-rape-party-fun-time, and getting a Dell. Toyotathon is worshipped in Japan as the patron goddess of entertainment.
Many people can tell they are totally inclined to the day Goodday. They also can tell they really can't. This, some would say, is totally impossible.
However, this can be known by the fact that just about every hour the word "Goodday" is said by someone, somewhere, somehow for whatever reason. This, many would say, is totally impossible.
This phenomenon of course has sparked interest in researchers in various fields, including Fortytwology, Goodness, Greetingsics and the like. This, everyone would say, is totally impossible.
The day Goodday has sparked five impossible phenomena. This, in fact, is totally impossible.
This includes the Universe changing into something completely bizarre, Arthur Dent getting the hang of Thursdays, the iPod being cancelled, the iPhone becoming a commercial success, and the construction of Milliways. This is so totally impossible that it is impossible for it to be impossible for it to be impossible at all.
Waiver Day is a special day when everyone does absolutely nothing. Quails often gorge themselves on ice cream. The Waiver Day National Flag was adopted on 9/23/08 by the National Quail Association (NQA). Waiver Days occur on the 24th of every month, much to the confusion of trees.
The day after tomorrow
The day after tomorrow, which has a 1 in 7 chance of being Tuesday, is even more elusive a day than tomorrow. It is widely believed that tomorrow never comes, and only a very small number of people believe that the day after tomorrow will actually arrive. These people are generally grouped together in what is called the Cult of Future's Arrival.
The ancient Greek philosopher Plato originally conceived the idea of the day after tomorrow in 347 BC. He went on to engineer the Survival Formula, a calculation of the probability of surviving until the day after tomorrow.
For the next 27 centuries, scientists were puzzled by the day after tomorrow. After a series of amazing lacks of breakthroughs, they decided to give up, and turned the debate over to religious leaders instead.
There is also a good chance the weather might be slightly "off", so watch out for those super cataclysmic conditions!
That other day that happened before this day and wasn't too far back as in one day ago...I mean Yesterday.
Look on your calender, and go back one space
Eventually is that time when you will find a job. But you probably won't have the time anyway because of everything that will be happening on that dreadful, yet exciting, elusive day. The first person to be publicly noticed to schedule something to be done eventually was Albert Einstein about the time he would at last get a haircut. Unfortunately he died before he revealed when this moment would be so the mystery remains.
There is a theory that suggests that eventually already happened but everybody just ignored it because they were too busy already. Most people still have a strong faith in Eventually, and keep scheduling very important things like weddings and political reform for this day. Eventually is generally considered the best time to do anything.
Eventually, this article will become the most popular site on the web. Eventually it will have real content. Eventually, this segment will come to a close, or you will eventually cease reading it. Eventually, you will begin thinking about all the other things you could be doing with this time, but instead, you stop and compromise with the idea that you will eventually make that decision. John Stossel may eventually shave his offensive moustache, but we all may eventually have to gaze at it. That is, if we all do not eventually lose our eyesight. Some unscrupulous individual may, in fact, choose to eventually edit this paragraph, but, as all things come full circle, it will eventually return, as all paragraphs do, according to the circle of life.
Role of Shaped Tuits: It has been hypothesized that the use of Tuits will help bring about Eventually, or at least hasten its coming. Simulations have determined that round shapes are probably best, but so far this theory has not been tested, because no one has gotten a round Tuit.
- Last Tuesday
- End of Time
- The Night After Christmas
- Grues day
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