Thurston

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Thurston.

“The nightlife here is excellent - there are at least '1' gay bars

~ Local Gay on Thurston's nightlife
Thurston, Suffolk
Population Total - 7,500

Chavs- 1467
Emos - 2473
Paedophiles - 17 and rising
Mannings - 2
Gingers - 29 and rising
Sluts - 3521
Illegal immigrants - 13
lemar-bars - 2
Old people - 5
Rabid Deer - 29

All Known Past-times Bunking, Farming Underage Pregnancy, Obesity, Cannabalism, Inferior Hunting and Stone Throwing
Infamous people to be aware of Elsey 'LZ' Watson, Looee sugket, Matt 'a.r.d'man, Samster lane, J, Joo and last but definitely not least Manning (the hybrid monkey - manningus-manningus)


Thurston is an English village that was once said to be a myth and was thought not too exist, but as of yesterday local peasants Margaret and John Alley-boo Hangey decided that they believed in Thurston too much to let this be the case and took it upon themselves to search the harsh wilderness of Suffolk to find it, and they did. They found it situated about three and a half miles east of Bury St. Edmunds and approximately 2,615.13 miles from the North Pole. Scientists are currently working on photographic evidence that suggests Thurston may actually be a 'Hoax' pulled by local milkmen or inferior jokers of that sort.

A white donkey's peasants.

Culture[edit]

The villages of Suffolk are always mysterious to say the least, let alone a village that was only discovered yesterday.

  • There is a duck pond about 5 metres wide and 7.2 metres long, it is a cylindrical shape such as this character, 'O'. It is home to one solitary duck.
  • There is a 1 metre (1/1000th of a kilometre) wall that surrounds the perimeter. While this may not sound much of an obstacle, it is intended to prevent invasion by the Army of Gemanterix.
  • There are two lemar bars which, unfortuanately, must have been mixed up with the African tribe 'Tuurton' in Lemar-Bar airways ("the darkest way to travel") on their way to get the annual supplies of one piece of water and two pieces of white crayon to colour themselves in with.
  • There is a medium-sized carrot patch which grows very large carrots in order to fit in Mrs. Forrde's bucket. She collects her carrots from the patch every morning and puts them all in her bucket.
  • The village is twinned with Guantanamo Bay. Various projects are organised between these two places, for example hockey tournaments and finger-skating competitions.

Nightlife[edit]

There is a post office that remains open until 7pm (Thursdays only) and a pub where the farmers, teachers and peasants go after a hard day's grind to drink some fine ale. Known locally as The Fox and Hound, it wase once home to a fox and, coincidentally, a hound. The hound was owned by a man and the fox was owned by no-one, the hound found the fox and they built a public house on the exact location of this interesting event. There are always at least 15 out of 3521 sluts working as whores in the pub each night, the usual price for 10 minutes in one of the many bedrooms upstairs is just five English pounds and 50 pence, although it is always much cheaper if you seduce the slut, give her date-rape drugs such as Rohypnol and quickly drive to the nearest church before forcing her to sleep in the attic and telling her to satisfy you or you'll bite off her other nipple, although this method can be quite time consuming.

  • WARNING* Thurston at night time is not the safest of places. In every bush lies a paedo and 7 year olds are losing their virginity around every 3 and a half seconds.

That woods near the petrol station that's never open holds the local emo and druggie society, which recently got invaded by local postmen wanting a way to spice up their life. Unfortunately, their post bikes have never been seen again and as postmen are surgically attached to their bikes by the Royal Mail it has been suggested they may have savagely eaten and/or raped.

Daylife[edit]

There are many beings out in the day such as old ladies, who are always walking past for some reason, and people that are trimming the never ceasing to grow damn hedges, people not asleep/nocturnal and animals that are also not nocturnal. In the daytime there are lots of amazing things to see that are not available to see in the night time, for example light and grass, these are but a few of many. The pub is open most times, so should not really be mentioned here, but the post office and, unfortunately, the college are open during the daylight hours. Whores are asleep so their legs are not open (apart from to rapists).

Tourism[edit]

The type of tourists that venture into this village probably live in a more disturbed village. There is a small B&B (Bed and Breakfast) in the middle of the village near the post office, though beds and breakfasts are equally hard and full of bugs so overall it does not excel. The pub is the only real place to eat in but does contain an awful smell of the finest ale for half a mile around. For entertainment suggestions please consult the 'nightlife' section and after doing this think very wisely if this is the place for your holiday.
people who have recently visited;

  • Students
  • Teachers
  • Postmen
  • People who live there
  • Migrating geese
  • Fred
  • Milkmen
  • Small people who are fed up with small places
  • Cockneys
  • Chavs
  • Cars
  • Tourists (obviously)
  • Commuters
  • Retards

and last but not least

  • Traveling circus folk
This is TCC. Note to suicide bombers, terrorists and the like: it is only open the first five days of the English week

Thurston Community College[edit]

Thurston Community College - 'TCC' - is a specialist science college, claimed by students to be "well good" and "proper great."

Things To Do in Thurston[edit]

  • Get pregnant
  • Get raped
  • Die
  • Get kicked out of school
  • Die from drug abuse (Pritt Sticks, etc)
  • Die from alcohol abuse (0.5% and below)

This school is very closey monitored by Ofsted, and should be avoided for health reasons when possible. If you step within 5 metres of its looming fences you will attract around ten paedophiles and two rapists - and that's just from within the school.

Ginger people infest Thurston, leading to its designation as a Code Orange area. Any personnel found within the area that have not already been brainwashed or raped/molested will be dealt with asap. You HAVE been warned.

The Locals[edit]

These are a group of people that come together every week, and draw up ideas of how to keep Thurston exactly the same as it has been for nearly 5 months now. The Locals consists of one builder, two milkmen, one duck, the landlord of The Fox and Hounds, thirty-nine farmers and a local school child aged ten called LZ. They meet at the mone of a different member each week - this week it is LZ's and is in his tree house, next week it is John Alley-Boo Hangey's turn and he shall host it in his peasant-shack.

Cuisine[edit]

There is no longer the luxurious cuisine of the vending machines and they have decided that all the residents can eat out of a trough in the cafeteria called The Salad Bar, which is not a bar and the salad consists of pizza toppings from the day before, carrots from Mrs. Forrde's vegatable patch (the ones that could not fit in her bucket) and rancid lard scraped from behind the cookers. The old Snack Shack used to serve caviar and grilled snails with a hint of basil, this was particularly ravishing when washed down with a chilled bottle of Ribena, although they have now decided to take away the vending machines and replace them with the cafeteria in which you have no choice but to buy appletiser.