Tickle Me Emo
Tickle Me Emo is a happily depressing toy aimed at children ages 3 to 8. Tickle Me Emo has many gut-busting phrases such as: "The only thing more depressing than you, is me.", "I have massive issues.", and "Stop it; that hurts!". Tickle Me Emo is made by the Depress-A-Me-Street Brand Toy Corporation.
Tickle Me Emo comes with a pre-sharpened razor blade, useful for cutting itself and all others around it. Be careful though! Too much cutting of Tickle Me Emo's skin will cause it to spontaneously combust, setting fire to everything within a twenty foot radius. When Tickle Me Emo cuts itself, blood will start to seep out, causing Tickle Me Emo to moan realistically in pain! Warning! Do not drink Tickle Me Emo's blood if you have not had SARS, HIV, and rabies vaccines.
If you squeeze Tickle Me Emo's hand, it will flip it's hair from side to side. Warning! Flipage of hair may result in stitching of head to come undone, causing Tickle Me Emo's blood to stream out and ruin furniture and clothing.
Tickle Me Emo's clothing comes from Hot Topic. The standard clothing that comes with Tickle Me Emo is a black shirt and tight jeans. However, clothes for Tickle Me Emo can be bought at (where else?) Hot Topic! Other styles include vampire (complete with fangs and soy-based blood substitute), fake emo, and jeans stolen from Tickle Me Emo's younger sister, Oscar the Grouch.
Full listing of Tickle Me Emo's Phrases:
1. "If life is so fair, then why do roses have thorns?"
2. "Your existence hurts me almost as much as this razor blade does."
3. "All the blood is rushing to my head, and out of the cuts."
4. "The only thing more depressing than you, is me."
5. "AAAAGH! I hurt myself to feel alive!"
6. "Stop it. That hurts me."
7. "EEEUAAAAGUAGAAAAHH!" (Phrase partnered with head spinning around multiple times.)
8. "I feel somewhat less ready to kill myself after I cut myself."
9. "If I had a dollar for every time someone was nice to me, I'd have nothing."
10. "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"
11. "There is no God you hear me? No God."
12. "Pain is the only cure!"
13. "Nobody understands what I'm going through, epsecially YOU!!!"
Tickle Me Emo Advertisement
Tickle Me Emo was commissioned to be built by the RIAA to find and kill people who listened to music. However, Tickle Me Emo was so depressing (and he spilled blood onto the RIAA's lawsuit paperwork) that they flung him into the street, where it was picked by a six year old boy. The boy was found dead (stabbed seven times in the gut) nailed to the back wall of Toys R' Us. The Depress-A-Me-Street Brand Toy Corporation picked Tickle Me Emo up, liked it, and manufactured it, where it hit stores on Christmas of 2005.
On a completely unrelated topic, January of 2006 had the highest ever recorded numbers of suicide and murder.