Tillie the Pirate

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'An artist's conception of Tillie the Pirate'.

“She's pretty cool, I guess.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Tillie the Pirate

Tillie the Pirate is a Generation X Superhero. Her combat skills have been noted as "Super", "I'd never leave home without it", and "Why should I?". Her main goal in life presently is to conquer all the bad guys.


Although reports exist of her existence as far back as 1602, when she discovered the Island of Orgasm, Tillie the Pirate was officially founded on March 26th, 1974 in New York City by Lord British, who also was the real inventor of bananas. At the time, it was a common belief that superheroes existed. This was proven completely false. In 2001, however, Tillie came back and proved the falseness false (a first in false's history). She has been using her superpower up to today, and has made many private appearances for the right kind of guys.

Tillie also discovered the Island of Orgasm, along with all of the vegetation. Being the grammar freak that she is, she slew all living flying horses upon the discovery of them on the island.

Legal Issues[edit]

Recently, Tillie the Pirate has been sued by Bill Gates for monopolizing the modern-day Superhero industry. In a classically superhero fashion, she counter-sued with no actual legal reason. The judge presiding for the original hearing was indeed the same judge who judged Mr. Bill in his many trials. That judge's name, however, has been lost through years of people not caring. The result of the trial was never found, or at least, nobody cares.

Amazing Superpowers[edit]

'Yet another artist's conception of Tillie the Pirate'. Note the brown hair, and the accidental lack of an eyepatch.

Obviously, Tillie's most famous superpower is the ability to make Beer appear where Beer previously was not. This Superpower has gotten her into many talk shows, such as Nanny 911. When on Nanny 911, she was actually able to provide beer to the Nannies. Many children became very happy, and so Tillie the Pirate is often noted as being able to make children happy as a superpower; this is simply not true. Her only real superpower is to make beer appear. Any resulting effects are purely incidental.

Why "the Pirate"?[edit]

Tillie, as reporting in an interview by your local TV news station, "Like[s] pirates. You got a problem with that?"


Tillie's fate is to be an eternal legendary burning flame of hope for all of those Superheroes out there who wish they could exist, but don't. She will die in 2064.

Other Quotes[edit]

“Does my being a pirate hurt your feelings?”

~ Tillie the Pirate on Pirate-ness

“Some day, beer will be able to conjur itSELF up. Won't that be cool?”

~ Tillie the Pirate on Beer Materialization

“In Soviet Russia, beer conjures up YOU!!”

~ Russian reversal on Beer Materialization

See Also[edit]