|Tina Fey (ティナ・フェイ)|
|Special Abilities||Can transform into any political figure in the blink of an eye(male or female) and laser vision.|
|Weapons||Her biting wit, her sex (and specs) appeal, and her lightsaber|
|Loyalty||Lord Voldemort or Jeff Richmond (it changes from time to time)|
|Weakness||None known, possibly porn|
|In it for||Control of the world and her own sitcom on NBC|
Tina Fey (real name Elizabeth Stigmatatina Feyshawna Zenobia Richmond, III) is the result of a demented experiment to cross-breed nerds and hot chicks (no, not that silly reality show, even mad scientists have standards). Though they considered her a success (and the rest put away to some place kept obscure enough for the writers to decide about it later), she herself found that she had the worst of both worlds (i.e., she cannot blame her lack of romantic success on her looks). That drove her to insanity, and she lashed out at the world that could not accept her. You know the drill. She now plans mass murder of anyone not cool enough to get an American Express card, world domination for its own sake, destroying all things that might annoy Alice, and comedy writing for fun and profit. Among her most infamous crimes is the impersonation of Sarah Palin. Tina has been a member of the Society for the Intervention and Rehabilitation of Supervillains but it hasn't helped, mostly because the Society is staffed by former comic-book fans who kept falling for her.
Eventually it was decided that the only way to stop her planning and scheming was to put her under a superior even more evil than herself with a proven record in keeping imagination suppressed. She was also assigned the name of Elizabeth Lemon so she could make herself a new life; her real identity is kept secret. Why are we telling you this? Well you wouldn't be reading anything so laden with in-jokes if you didn't know it all already.
Tina Fey is usually reported to have been born on either June 31, 1186 or on May 18, 1970. The latter date is incorrect and illogical given Bernoulli's Principle. Therefore, given Newton's second law, the former date must be correct. It is widely believed that she is the only daughter of Sean Connery and Princess Leia, but this too is inaccurate as your mom is also an offspring of the two famous Vampire Americans. In fact, most well-known information about Tina Fey is inaccurate, though it's not clear how it's known to be inaccurate or if it is, in fact, really inaccurate. So you're on your own with this.
When she was five years old, she was attacked by a stranger with a knife. However, the essence of her destiny to rule the entertainment industry and, eventually, the world, overtook his spirit and said stranger spontaneously combusted seconds after the attack. It was then that Tina Fey discovered she was a wizard.
For most of her childhood, Tina Fey attended Hogwarts, where she studied comedy, screenwriting and murder under Professor Dolores Umbridge. It was there that Tina Fey had her first encounter with Lord Voldemort. After much violent abuse, a beaten and humiliated Voldemort finally gave in and agreed to help her conquer Narnia. However, at the last minute, James T. Kirk convinced her that no one pays attention to politics and that she could gain power over the entire world if she took over the entertainment industry instead. Tina Fey has been pursuing this goal ever since.
Although she is widely known to be evil, Tina Fey has nevertheless had an extraordinarily successful career as a writer, comedian, actress, rapper, professional wrestler, tennis player, veterinarian, Hell Desk associate, Ninja, Pirate, Jedi Knight, wanton sex goddess and Professor of Quantum Physics at Bovine University. She is most famous for portraying Sgt. Colby Tillamook on the hit action/dramedy, Dangerous Cheeses. She was also the host of the Japanese game show, Ken-en no Naka !! (Dog and Monkey Fight!). Tina was offered the anchor job on the CBS Evening News but turned it down because she didn't feel she could write that much comedy material every day and recommended her good friend Katie Couric. Later when Katie was offered the lead role on 30 Rock she turned it down because she felt the CBS Evening News was far more humorous than 30 Rock but she recommended Tina. She initially wanted to call it Dirty Rock, but no one thought it would sell.
Via her show, 30 Rock, Tina Fey has contributed to the revival of the lemonparty.
- Saturday Night Live (1975-1980) (TV)
- Saturday Night Dead (1980-present) (TV)
- 30 Rock (2006) (TV)
- Mean Girls (2004)
- Bad Motherfuckers (with Samuel L. Jackson) (2004)
- Mr. T and Tina (with Mr. T) (2004, remake) (TV)
- I'm Going to Fucking Kill You (2003)
- Colonel Angus: The Incident at Big Beaver (with Christopher Walken) (2003)
- Old French Whore: The Movie (2002)
- Medieval Madness (1997) (videogame)
As the official ruler of all nerds and beta males
Tina Fey has been the official ruler of all nerds and beta males everywhere since the not very close election of 1867. She faced fierce competition from Gene Roddenberry, but she won anyway after giving Roddenberry an atomic wedgie and forcing the other candidates to drink the poisoned Kool-Aid. As an all-powerful shapeshifter capable of taking on any form she wishes, Tina Fey realized that nerds were particularly "overscheduled and undersexed" and immediately saw a void she could fill. She soon became one of their own, but a considerably more attractive and desirable version.
Tina Fey has a considerable loyalty among nerds, even female nerds who have deluded themselves into thinking that they are as "smart and sexy" as she is (they usually aren't). However, there is still some minor dissent in the ranks, mainly from the Trekkies. Once this dissent is crushed, it is expected that Tina Fey will conquer the universe with her massive nerd army and repopulate it with beings resembling her favorite Star Wars characters.
Tina Fey's glasses
One of Tina Fey's most intriguing characteristics are her trademark black, horn-rimmed glasses. They are considered a major reason as to how she attained such a fervent and devoted nerd following. Most of these nerds say that one look into Tina Fey's bespectacled, mesmerizing eyes causes them to be paralyzed with fear, admiration, and of course, horniness. Some of them claim that this is because her glasses possess strange and mystical powers; others believe that she simply looks damn sexy in them. Both of these theories are obviously true.
Tina Fey's Vagina
Much debate has been made as to which or which not Tina Fey shaves her vagina. As a longtime critic of Bush, most people, including Keith Olbermann, say it is probably shaved.
Known or suspected followers of Tina Fey
Although technically a follower of Voldemort, Tina Fey has garnered her own sizable following. DO NOT include anyone in this section without hard evidence as anyone suspected of serving Tina Fey may be subject to the death penalty in many jurisdictions.
- Christopher Walken
- Conan O'Brien
- David Letterman (who can be observed checking out Tina's legs at least once per interview)
- Lindsay Lohan (before the cocaine addiction)
- Jimmy Fallon
- Amy Poehler
- Tracy Morgan
- Alec Baldwin
- Luke Skywalker
- Lando Calrissian (after downing several shots of Colt 45)
- Admiral Ackbar (it's a trap!)
- Darth Vader
- Emperor Palpatine
- James T. Kirk
- Your mom (sorry, you were bound to find out eventually)
- Oprah Winfrey (ME WANT FOOD!)
- Jon Stewart
- Stephen Colbert (he's on notice)
- Barack Obama
- Hillary Clinton
- George W. Bush (this is an example of petty liberal vandalism; you cannot remove it without proper authorization from someone important, but you can file an official complaint with whoever might be in charge of that kind of thing, but probably isn't, so it would just be a big waste of time anyway)
- Clarence Gilyard (undercover)
- After realizing they had produced the Anti-Christ, her parents abondaned her 6 months after birth.
- She has an extensive collection of blue blazers in her wardrobe.
- Her daughter, Alice, was orignally going to be named Tina Fey II, but then she remembered that most sequels aren't as good as the original.
- She popped a cap in Wayne Brady's ass. (Who's the bitch now?)
- She once beat Takeru Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest.
- She was supposed to be a hidden character in Mortal Kombat 4, but the developers were forced to remove her from the game when they found out what a "Feytality" was. She ended up doing voiceover work for Medieval Madness instead.
- In one incident she took an overdose of sexiness pills, causing her to suffer St. Pazuzu's Dance and become possessed with the spirit of Satan, transforming her into a Latin speaking video demigoddess until the Pope intervened and cured her.
- The scar next to her mouth is the result of a five hour battle with Saturday Night Live producer Lorne Michaels over a parking spot in the NBC garage.
- In a parallel universe, she was killed by Jason Voorhees when he gouged out her eyes with her own glasses.
- According to her therapist, she will go crazy in approximately two years.