Tissue throwing

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Shamus O'Shaun "The Leprachaun" Winner of 1943 Irish Tissue throwing contest. Notice the high-tech equipment used to measure his steps and how he is barely conscious due to alcohol (Irish competitions only last half the average time of a competition)

Tissue throwing is the only widely celebrated native sport of the USA. It involves someone throwing a tissue as far as you can without stepping over an invisible line.

Rules[edit]

  1. The player can under no circumstances be sober
  2. The player must use a regulation tissue that is not folded or "crumpled" in any way or fashion
  3. The player must not pass the invisible line exactly pi meters away from his starting point (this takes much training)
  4. The player cannot use any tissue weight enhancements (such as secretly putting snot into it)
  5. The player must not blow
  6. The player must not have any assistance in blowing
  7. The player must be able to recite any and all rules at the demand of a referee verbatim.
  8. The player wins when he is the last conscious competitor

Famous moments[edit]

The Grand Canyon stunt[edit]

When tissue throwing had its first competition in 1776 (the founding year of the country and more importantly, the sport), the first round was held at the Grand Canyon. Instead of an invisible line, the referees took advantage of the environment. By placing the participants exactly pi meters away from the canyon edge and blindfolding them, no high-tech equipment was required. Very sadly, someone cheated by jumping off the cliff, effectively gaining a good 5 meters and winning. Since the rules were taken advantage of, the huge scandal caused no more championships until 1862.

The Competition at Antietam[edit]

After the Grand Canyon scandal, this was the first U.S. Tissue Throwing Competition. Two of the nation's champions, Robert E. Lee and George McClellan, representing the AFC and NFC, respectively, were the competitions main competitors.

"Despite having superiority of numbers, McClellan's attacks failed to achieve concentration of mass, allowing Lee to counter by shifting forces to meet each challenge." -Wikipedia

Antietam is often remembered as the deadliest day in Tissue throwing history, almost 23,000 tissue throwers died of intoxication.

The First World Championship[edit]

The First World Championship took place between 1914-1918. On 28 June 1914, Gavrilo Princip, a Bosnian Serb student, bet Archduke Franz Ferdinand, the heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne, $100 that he could beat him in tissue throwing. Ferdinand accepted, and then got a good idea... if he could bet each country in Europe $100 that he would beat them, he would make a lot of money if he won. His plan put forth a huge European competition. The U.S. was originally reluctant to join, but after a German competitor ripped the 1901 winning piece of tissue, nick-named the Lusitania, the U.S. ignored all foreign policies on sports and dove right into the competition.

"The United States was never formally a member of the Allies [one of the European teams] but became a self-styled 'Associated Power'. America had a small army [team], but it drafted 4 million men and by summer 1918 was sending 10,000 fresh soldiers [competitors] to France every day." - Wikipedia

Sadly, many countries used illegal propulsion substances such as mustard gas and chlorine in the air. Since many competitors were allergic to these gases, about 11 million competitors and picnickers died.

The Allies won and Ferdinand lost so much money that he asked Gavrilo Princip to help him commit suicide, and he did. Woodrow Wilson, the captain of the U.S. team, formed the League of Nations in an attempt to have as many World Competitions as possible. This directly cause the Second World Championship, which was the first tissue throwing competition without mishap.

Records[edit]

  • Farthest thrown tissue: 6 meters at the Grand Canyon in 1776 by Samuel Adams
  • Longest Airtime: 20 hours in an experimental wind tunnel in 1777
  • Longest Throw by a Handicap: 2 meters at the Second World Championship by Franklin D. Roosevelt.

See Also[edit]