Toccoa Falls College
|Toccoa Falls College|
|Motto||Where Character is Corrupted with Intellect|
|Established||About a Month after the Land was Stolen from the Cherokee|
|School type||Bible Thumpin' Gitmo-type place|
|Head||Wayne Gardner, motorcycle dude|
|Location||In the middle of a freakin' forest...or is that forrest?, Georgia, U.S.|
|Campus||Dude, I'm telling you, it's in the middle of the forest|
|Endowment||$100,000 in Homeschool Money|
|Mascot||Shirak the Eagle...you know, the one that followed the Beastmaster around? Yeah, we got him. Pretty cool, huh? Don't like it? Yeah, well suck on it.|
Toccoa Falls College is a liberal arts Christian college, located somewhere in the mountains or something, with lots of trees and a waterfall. Aren't waterfalls pretty? Since you homeschooled your kids and there's very little chance of them ever adjusting to the real world, why not send them here? Maybe it'll keep them from smoking pot and losing their virginity.
The campus is over 1,100 acres (originally 7 Native American settlements), with a
tennis court, a gift shop, a resturaunt, an athletic field, and 12 chapels. A basketball court is available for the college's lesbian students, as well as for the camp counselors who manage the college's youth camps during the summer months.
The college is affiliated with the Christian Motorcycle Alliance, and headed by the CMA's vice-chairman, Dr. Wayne Gardner.
You've seen the little plaques all across the campus, right? Those have to do with history, which is basically the summary of all the things white Europeans have ever done: kill dragons, invent sailing, spread Christianity. The plaques, however, offer these stories in bite-sized little morsels which you can stand and read in the 100-degree weather. Fun, huh?
The college was discovered by Richard A. Forrest in 1907. The land was originally found to be in Golden, North Carolina, but was later moved, stone by stone, to its present location in Toccoa, Georgia. Construction of the aquaduct necessary to move both the falls and the adjoining creek were begun in 1908 and completed in late of 1910. By 1911 the remaining water was transported to the top of the falls, where an intricate system of fountains circulated the water down a 186-ft cascade and back up again into a 40-acred lake.
In 1913, the Haddok Inn, which served as the classrooms and residence hall of the students, was burned by Cherokee Indians, who also scalped the students and faculty. After living in tents for a while, the students were able to regrow their hair and returned, determined build a new structure. Dr. Forrest told the students they were daft to build classrooms near the Cherokee, but the students built it all the same, just to show 'im. It was burned by the Cherokee. So, they built a second set of classrooms. Those were burned by the Cherokee. So they built a third set. These were burned down, then toppled over and washed away by the falls. But the fourth set of classrooms stayed up. And so that's what Dr. Forrest got: the most sturdy set of classrooms in Cherokee lands.
In 1928, all the classrooms were reorganized, and the State of Georgia accredited the college as Toccoa Falls High School, which was certainly a misnomer, since the institute was actually a 4-year college. In 1937, the State began allowing the college to issue diplomas, but only in Biblical Education. The college certainly wasn't competent enough to actually issue these diplomas (which at that time contained a crunchy chocolate center), but hey, what's it matter? Even with an education, the Bible can say whatever you want it to, right? No harm, no foul.
On November 6, 1977, a very un-mellow thing happened, where the fountain freaked out and flooded the entire campus with (what else?) water. The flood killed 39 people, who were later memorialized on rocks strewn about by the flood that killed them. No, I'm not kidding, I'm completely serious. They were killed in a flood, and people took rocks from the flood and wrote their names on those rocks. That's like getting chopped in half by a sword or something, and then having your name engraved on the blade. Yeah, wow, thanks, no really, I appreciate it. You wrote my name on a freakin' rock. That's really great. Burn in hell. Jesus saves.
An interesting (and certainly true) fact about the college is that its former president, Dr. Young, did not, in fact, hold a doctorate degree (well, it was honorary). To be completely honest, he never even attained a master's degree. He lied. Isn't that cool?! He lied his way into being president of a Bible College! Rock 'n roll, dude!
Toccoa Falls College sponsors nine schools...but only three of them are real. The others won't net you jack in the real world. The schools are:
- World Missions: ...make sure you have life insurance.
- Christian Education: So you can be a "youth pastor" and hang out with kids all day. Minors usually identified with this program of study are How to Wear Sandals and Shorts, How to Speak in a Calming Voice to Adults, and How to Smile Like An Asshole.
- Teacher Education: If you feel more comfortable with children than you do with adults, but aren't competent enough to be a youth pastor, you should probably just be a babysitter and head out for the Teacher Education program.
The other "majors" are:
- Arts & Sciences: For those who figure out Toccoa Falls isn't a real college before the end of their second year, the school of Arts & Sciences offers a realistic way to make your degree work for you...after you complete your master's, that is.
- Bible & Theology: For those going to Seminary, it might be useful to complete some Bible classes. Of course, this is totally optional.
- Business Administration: This option is only open to the baseball team.
- Communication: For those with no clear degree path in mind.
- Counseling & Psychology: Useful in diagnosing why so many pastors become kitten huffers.
- Music: For those who somehow managed to enter life with a bit of talent...or not.
Regardless of whether you become a SeeD or not, no students are allowed to remain at the college after the age of 24 as is evidenced by the fact that nobody over 24 attends.