In the beginning
The Common Toilet Duck (also known as the John Bird in Northern USA states, Rest Room Rooster in the Southern States of the USA, the Bathroom Broiler in Canada, The Dunny Quacker in Australia, Le Paté de Foie Canard Le Chateau Merde in France , the Kaiser Ente In Der Schiessenhaus in Germany and Casa Del Caca Pato in Spain) is a former wild bird that has become domesticated and can now only be found lurking under your sink. It has given-up the business of raising young ducklings at your local pond and instead has devoted its life to clearing up the stink humans make when they go for a crap.
From Water to Water Closets
This remarkable behavorial change from the lake to the lavatory was first commented on by the scientist Mr Sheen before he was 'scrubbed out' in an anonymous case of 'Domestos' Homicide. Sheen who was known as the 'Wacky Doctor in His Flying Machine ' did leave behind a remarkable transcript which revealed the influx of ducks into our toilets in the 1980s.
You're Ducking Me !
The first ducks found it easy to gain access to loos. Their cute quacking and arse waggling walk allowed them to get inside even the stuffiest toilet to go about and do their cleaning business. But like Cuckoos - Toilet Ducks hated to share their food supply with other cleaning creatures and tried to make sure they were the Top Donald in their particular patch.
Vim and Vigour
Toilet Ducks usually work alone unless they intend to team up and do a major bank job. They meet every few months for some 'mucky ducky' action to get the next generation on the ground and ready to access an unused toilet facility. Their cries of 'Luvaduck' and 'Squeeze Me Without Mercy' are just some of their familiar mating calls.
No Bog Bound Predators
The Toilet Duck has few natural or unnatural enemies except the Hawk or a bog brush (Basilides Basil Boris). Hawks have so far failed to negotiate the tricky change from rural to a suburban habitat and the Bog Brush is well..a relic from the Diana Dors era. Toilet Ducks are not normally eaten in restaurants as their diet is considered unsafe for human consumption. Especially now that they prefer to stick their heads down a lavatory bowl and start squirting their little heads off. Not recommended eating !
I Don't Give a Flying Duck
The Toilet Duck like Charles Darwin's finches - has shown signs of evolving into other household cleaning necessities. This suggests that in a few generations they could become extinct and be replaced by another species like the Toilet Alligator. The later still has it's teeth and could be danger if it emerges out of your loo basin whilst you are on the throne.
Giving the nature of evolution - we can fully expect to see a Toilet Duck as General Secretary of the United Nations in 3000 AD.
that little slip
dont blame yourself if you accidently slip of the toilet and land awquadly on the duck lots of men do it *cough no they dont cough* we will just tell mum thats our little secret
- Feel free to add other local names for the Toilet Duck
- He was originally known as Senor Estevez . He changed it to Sheen when moving to England to fly a Spitfire in the Falklands War.
- Mr Sheen was also wanted for unspecified war crimes by the Israei Secret Service organisation Mossad - so that is another possible motive for his demise.
- Sir David Attenborough apparently filmed 'The Secret Life of the Toilet Duck' but the show was spiked by some big cleaning fluids in the kitchen sink mafia.
- Not a joke. See 'The Protocols of the Elders of Toilet Duckery' for a full - if improbable - explanation.
- You think I am joking ? Ok....well...ok yes I am.