Toilet Paper was first invented when the first draft of the US constitution flew by the house of a redneck the redneck decided to wipe it between his buttocks and realized it was better than the stone he was using before
“I wipe your butt, you wipe mine”
“Smear the poo poo all over your face with your toilet paper”
Toilet paper (also known as Bog Roll, Turd Cloth or Arsehole buffer) is, interestingly, made from outhouse wood, this is why it disintegrates all matter other than toilets, and also tends to splinter more than ordinary papers.
Toilet paper is sometimes referred to as TP—this term is most widely used by Beavis the great.
Most paper in the world is bad. Drunk driving citations, Atlas Shrugged, and Scientology flyers are all made of paper. Toilet paper is unusual in that it is actually quite good: it is socially acceptable to smear shit on it. When you're done with it, you can flush it down the toilet, or, in public restrooms, stick it to the wall. Toilet paper is provided for free in most McDonald's toilets and other toilets everywhere else.
Editors Note: Please note that it is inadvisable to clean a toilet paper with a toilet.
The toilet paper is something to wipe your ass with. It's a tool of great importance as without it your ass would be itchy forever. After wiping your ass with the toilet paper, keep it in your pocket to use later when you need to wipe your ass again. Note: This depends on your tolerance level to the smell of shit that is on your toilet paper.
The guy who invented toilet paper was probably an asshole. The modern toilet paper comes from the great Egyptians using mummy bandages to clean the surfaces of their bums. It was the beginning of a new era for man kind. In today's world, we have adapted to using these soft fabrics for strict emergencies! As we continue to use these we improve its ability to remove any possible stinky stain.
The word "toilet paper" comes from ancient french:
"Toi l´est papier" and was a polite way to express, that the opposite person is good to clean one's back end with.
How to get free toilet paper
Here are two easy ways to get free toilet paper:
(Technique A)You will need: a mailing address, literacy skills, time
1. Sign up to loads of stuff, giving your mailing address and leaving the 'don't send me stuff' box unchecked. Free newspapers are also good for this.
2. When every month you receive your direct mail don't throw it away!
3. Wipe your arse with your various magazines, free newspapers, and catalogues.
- Argos catalogues are very long and so one can last you months at a time
- Try newspapers run by communists, as they do not believe in making a profit these will often be free or at least very cheap
- Take the 'London Lite' magazines from the tube if you are commuting into London.
(Technique B)You will need: the clothes you stand in, a bag.
Make appointments with free healthcare, and at the end of the appointment go to the loo and take all the toilet paper. Alternatively, go into shops, pubs, garages, and basically anywhere with a free toilet, and take as much roll as you can stuff in your bag.
Technique A is completely legal, but you may well get an arse covered in ink. Technique B is theoretically illegal, but charges are unlikely to be brought, it is much more likely you will be asked to return the toilet paper.
The French Solution
Those very short and strangely made water fountains you saw in the unisex bathrooms on your class trip to Paris? Well, they weren't water fountains. French people haven't invented paper yet, not needing it due to not being literate. They use a jet of water to flush their asses clean, using fingers as needed. The jet of water is optional for them, but they like how it - how yu zey? - makes them feel.
The Arkansas Solution
Pull up your pants - yes, we know you have no underwear on. Buckle your belt - yes, the big buckle with the American Eagle holding an AK-47. Now grab the buckle firmly with your right hand. Grab the back of your pants with your left hand. Now lifting your pants up high, first pull up further with the right hand, then with the left hand. Repeat at least three times.
All done. Now do up one of your suspenders, we know Cousin Jethro is borrowing the other. What you don't know is that he's not returning it, having given it to his sister as a token of their engagement.
Alternative uses for toilet paper
- Throw it over buildings, people, trees, cars, slow animals, foxes, Mythical Creatures etc.
- Wrap someone in so much of it they are incapable of movement
- Set alight to it then throw it
- Lick it and stick it to people
- Eat it
- Huff it
- Stuff your wonderbra/underwear with it
- Use it as an alternative to chewing gum
- Chew it then throw it at the ceiling so it sticks
- Write on it
- Defend yourself from a grue with it, although this will not work you may feel better for trying
- Smoke it
- Place it on the toilet seat and start worshipping the toilet paper god.
Do not attempt to resurrect dead relatives by wrapping his/her corpse with toilet paper. This would merely result in the creation of a mummy. You wouldn't want a mummy now would you.