Leo Tolstoy

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For Leo's less successful brother Vasily click here

“Dostoe... Dostoy... Dostoi... Dostoj... ah we'll just go for Tolstoy.”

~ Literary critics on who the greatest novelist is.

“A good book is like a good beard: the longer it is, the better it is.”

~ Tolstoy on War and Peace

“What is that noise??!”

~ Tolstoy on War and Peace
Leo Tolstoy (who is quite often mistaken for Coronation St veteran actor Brian Blessed, though we have absolutely no idea why), from a June 1989 photo shoot with GQ magazine.

Leo is quite often mistaken for Coronation St veteran actor Brian Blessed

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Leo Tolstoy.

Leo Tolstoy (b. 1828, d. Tommorow) was a Russian author who wrote the only book known to be longer than the The Bible: Too Hot for TV. This book, War and Peace, is a book so large that light cannot escape its surface. War and Peace is so large it has to be viewed on a clear night using a telescope. He wrote some other books too, but no-one really remembers those.

The original copy of War and Peace (originally titled "War: What is it Good For?" but it was his mistress that insisted he call it War and Peace) is also the fourth largest object in the solar system after the Sun, Jupiter and Saturn. It orbits between Pluto and Neptune. The pull of gravity from War and Peace has been blamed for everything from September 11th to the sudden disappearance of the bees.

After completing War and Peace, Tolstoy went on to be a famed male runway model. He also invented the Tolstoy oven, as well as pepper and once bowled a 300 game. He is believed to have been a ghost writer on the pilot for the TV show Firefly and the movie Diary of a Mad Black Woman

Childhood[edit]

Leo Tolstoy had a normal Russian childhood, until the age of six. After a hard night of drinking vodka with his friends from grade school, Tolstoy was confronted with a drunken bet: write a book so long that even God couldn't be bothered to know how it ended.

Tolstoy took the bet, and spent the better part of his life writing his masterpiece. Well, actually, people assume it was a masterpiece, because who's really going to challenge you if you say it is?

The book[edit]

War and Peace encompasses over 13,200 main characters spanning an unknown number of pages. War and Peace is so huge, it straddles 93% of all genres ever imagined, featuring anime, blacksploitation, mafia true crime, feminist soft pr0n, gay interest, revisionist history, Star Wars fanfic and infomercials.

Oddly, while the title is War and Peace, no one has ever been able to get to the part where peace occurs. While the book begins with the Napoleonic Wars, the farthest anyone has ever beer able to read the story has only progressed to Day Two by page 23,491. Many critics insist the book, like war, doesn't actually end. An entire branch of science fiction is dedicated to speculating what the peace part of War and Peace might actually be like.

Two whole chapters of War and Peace appear to be the letter S typed repeatedly. Tolstoy later claimed he added the chapters just to see if anyone had actually read that far into the book.

One chapter seems to presage the exploits of American football player Bo Jackson. Another chapter appears to just be a recipe for curried chicken. And another has step-by-step instructions for operating the system menu on a Magnavox HDTV.

The ending[edit]

No one knows how War and Peace ends. Tolstoy deliberately rigged the ending to ensure no one could skip to the last page. The ending is so contrived and convoluted that anyone who reads it without first reading the rest of the book will lapse into a coma that cannot be reversed.

In 2003, NASA had a robotic spacecraft do a fly-by of War and Peace, to take pictures of the ending page. The probe was unable to take a complete photo of the page. However, researchers believe the ending has something to do with an old man dressed up as a ghost trying to scare young people away from his farm.

Tolstoy's life after War and Peace[edit]

Leo Tolstoy finished War and Peace at the age of 58. By the time he got the book back from the publisher, the world had changed so much that Tolstoy could no longer bear to live in it. In the time it took Tolstoy to write War and Peace, two world wars had come and gone, man walked on the moon, disco died out, communism came and went, we found out that "it" was just a fucking Segway and Marilyn Monroe was twice elected President of the United States.

Rather than commit suicide, Tolstoy retreated to a strip club in Mexico. Following the outbreak of the Mexican Revolution, Tolstoy became the commander of a small battalion of crooked federal anti-drug soldiers. He was briefly famous for conducting a small cross-border raid into New Mexico.

Throughout his life he was burdened with supporting his younger, less successful brother Vasily, who tried to gain notoriety as a writer because of his connection to Leo. However, Vasily could not write worth a damn and was supported by Leo. Often when Vasily could not afford food, Leo would breast feed him[1].

Death[edit]

Records of Tolstoy's life after 1916 are sketchy. Many rumors indicate he died during the Mexican Revolution after getting into an argument with Pancho Villa about whether or not dogs can roll their eyes upward, or if they have to tilt their heads to look up. It is believed that Villa pistol whipped Tolstoy into submission and then shot him for conceding the point in an unmanly manner.

A revised version of the story has Villa letting Tolstoy live. Tolstoy returns to Russia, where he is mistaken for Karl Marx and elevated to the rank of philoshopher king of all Soviet Russia.

But, his rivalry with Josef Stalin led to a major dispute, and Tolstoy was kicked out of the Communist Party for not bringing anything to the Comintern Annual Pot Luck Dinner. Tolstoy was shot in exile in Mexico in 1940 by a Canadian who mistook him for a wookie and fired in self-defense. Later DNA analysis revealed that Tolstoy was in fact an Arab woman's right arm.

Notes[edit]

  1. Like Alec Baldwin does for his brothers