Tom Brady

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Jesus as a quarterback

I honestly don't want to talk much after what happened last time, so yeah. Sorry. But honestly, sometimes that guy just makes me so fucking happy. I mean just look at 'im! He's a football player, not a prettyboy pansy-ass faggot! Jesus! 3 Super Bowls! Anyone who says Peyton Manning is better is a fucking disgrace.

Early Life

Basically everything you need to know about the golden princess is that calls are created to protect him! if you sneeze on miss Brady it is a 15 yard penalty, If you look angry at brady like you are considering touching him you are ejected from the game. Also since the cheaters and princess Brady were forced to stop cheating he has zero rings mmmmm whats are the odds! in fact without cheating it appears he cant even manage a home playoffs win shocking! So, basically, Tom Brady a little girl whocan't take a hit.

Tom Brady was born with a speciality that lets him take it in the ass repeatedly from his gay teamates and not cry; it's the only thing that Tom Brady doesn't cry and wine about! Also, Miss Brady plays for the New England Patriots. New England: the place that sucks at every possible sport known to man; it can't get much worse than that. And for all you dumbasses that say he's good because he has 3 rings, you clearly don't know shit about football. The first "ring" of his was when he was backup for Drew Bledsoe and didn't play a single game. His next two were back to back to back during the time that his head coach decided to cheat and make videos of the other teams' defensive signals and their gameplans. So if you do decide to count those last two, then he has the same amount of rings as Eli Manning, who speaking of, has beaten Tom Brady TWICE in the Super Bowl! I guess that's what happens when you can't cheat or cry to the refs.

College Career

So Great They Named It.

Wanna know where this guy played his college ball? Michigan, that’s where! Fuckin’ Michigan. Anyone who knows anything knows that Michigan fuckin’ rocks. Michigan pretty much shits on all other universities, it is also the birth place of my Christ figures including, gods gift to man kind, Tom Brady.

NFL Career

I could sum this up in about two words: “bull” and “shit,” but you probably want me to EE-lab-er-or-AYTE a bit more, so I will.

The Draft

No wonder they took him so high!

Tom Brady was so amazing comin’ outt’a’ college that a lotta’ scouts had him not even being drafted at all. Probably should’a’ gone that way, too, but he was unfortunately picked up by the New England Patriots with the 199th overall selection. Naturally, he didn't even play at all, and things were lookin’ to stay that way, too, until that fucker lucked right into the starting job. Bullshit! Dude, I need another beer. And another cock up my ass


Taking Over For Drew Bledsoe

Then comes the 2001 NFL season. Things are going just fine: Tom Brady’s the backup quarterback—nowhere near the field—and good ol’ Drew Bledsoe's the starter. Then, on September 23, 2001—I’ll never fuckin’ forget that day, man—Bledsoe’s runnin’ outta bounds, and he gets wailed by some stupid fucker linebacker on the Jets. Causes internal bleedin’. Bledsoe’s knocked out, so they put that scrub Tom Brady in. Then, somehow, Brady leads them to an eleven-an’-five season and a first round bye.


But that’s nothing—nothing—compared to the bullshit that happened next.

The Tuck Rule Game


So the Pats get a first round bye, right, and they wind up having to play the Raiders in the divisional round. The Raiders go up thirteen-three real quick, but that Pats rally back, so now it’s thirteen-ten, and the Pats are driving. They’re just out of field goal range, and Brady drops back to pass. Outta’ nowhere, Charles Woodson—a fuckin’ cornerback—comes up, sacks Brady, jars the ball loose, Raiders recover, fuck you Patriots.

But no. Oh, no!

The stupid-ass refs say that Brady’s arm was moving forward, and that his arm motion indicated “intent to pass,” or some shit, and then give the ball back to the Pats! Are you fucking kidding me!? So then these fucks kick a field goal, send the game to overtime, win the game win the Super Bowl Tom Brady’s a hero oh-man-look-out-here-comes-the-Patriots’-dynasty-oh-man-allbecauseof ONE BULL SHIT FUCKING CALL!


No, Darlene! You shut your fucking mouth! I’ had enough a’ your shit, you hear me? No, I don't care about what happened last time. Maybe this’ll teach ya’ to talk to me that way!

Don't you fuckin’ hit me back! Get the fuck out!

No, you get the fuck out!

She'll be back. Now where was I? Oh yeah, the Tuck Rule Game. Total Bullshit. Hand me another beer, would ya?


Subsequent Years

So after all that shit, that Pats went on to win two more Super Bowls, and play in a third, all because of ONE BULLSHIT FUCKING CALL. It's all such fucking bullshit! And then in 2007, that Pats just get this super stacked fucking team, and Tom Brady throws for 50 tee-dee passes, and everyone’s like “oh man he's the greatest quarterback having the greatest season ever, I suck cock” even though it's all BULLSHIT! Tom Brady stayed in, guns blazing, in the fourth quarters of games they already had won! It's bullshit, and shitty sportsmanship! Manning could’a’ thrown for nine touchdowns that Thanksgiving against Detroit, but they sat him most of the third and all of the fourth quarter, because Peyton Manning’s a real fucking sportsman. And Peyton sat out the last game of the season he broke Marino's record! Tom Brady played every game in 2007, well into the fourth quarter, and only beat Manning's record by one fucking touchdown pass. Let me ask ya' something, what's more impressive: forty-nine touchdowns in, like, fourteen games, or fifty touchdowns in a full sixteen games?

Yeah. I fucking thought so. As far as I'm concerned, Manning still has the single-season touchdown record. Tom Brady can suck my balls.

The Injury

So, the Pats’ first series of the 2008 season, Tom Fucker Brady got what was comin’ to ’im. He drops back to pass, and then gets wailed in the knee by this guy on the Chiefs. Rips his fuckin’ ay-see-ell like fuckin’ paper. Knocks him out the whole season. SERVES THAT FUCKER RIGHT! Fuck you, Brady! Oh, and then you know what happened!? This Matt Cassel scrub fills in for him, and by his eighth week with the job he's had two back-to-back four-hundred-yard games. Not even Brady could do that! Hah! And this is a guy who hasn't started a game at quarterback since fuckin’ high school! It just proves that the Pats either cheat, or have this bullshit offensive system that makes a superstar outta’ whoever plays kyoo-bee for ’em; it’s bullshit!

Fuck you!


Oh, hang on, lemme get this phone call.




That was Darlene. Says she wants a divorce. I'm gonna hafta' go. See ya.

Other Important Stuff

Tom Brady sucks balls. And loves nice m Beer for the road?

Thanks, man.

See Also