Tom Hanks

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Tom Hanks' love of extreme sports generated his venture into the games market, with classics such as the Tom Hanks' Proskater series, Joe vs the Volcano II and Philadelphia.

“Life is like a watching a Tom Hanks movie, You never know when you are going to lapse into a coma”

~ Forrest Gump on Tom Hanks

“This cereal is fantastic!”

~ Tom Hanks reviewing Count Chocula

“Bring up the Bangalores! ”

~ Tom Hanks kicking Nazi Scum


~ Tom Hanks on any volleyball he sees

Not to be confused with Thom Hanks, the famous traveling house salesman (and part time homosexual), Tom "The Hank" Hankster started out in the middle ages as a camera grip for dinosaur documentaries; however, he had absolutely no amorous feelings whatsoever for ancient reptiles (honest!) although he did accept a payment of $5 and a tootsie roll to suck off the director who, having been 'delighted' with Hank's 'performance', allowed him to appear in the whole documentary, thus propelling the young tootsie roll-loving, stegosaurus-humping rent boy to Hollywood stardom.

Sadly, seeing as he was somewhat retarded and incapable of conveying emotion aside from dumb amusement and crocodile tears, he received a lot of prejudice from other, better actors like Paris Hilton, Denise Richards and Zac Efron, the latter of whom also beat Hanks' record of most tootsie rolls licked and cock's sucked.

The enormous amount of material with hanks running around like a clueless git was of such a nature that several movies could be produced with reediting it and some other clever movie tricks like :

  • Running the reels backwards
  • Play pieces at variable speeds
  • Use crayon on the celluloid

"I got it, thats the guy from big. Tom Hanks funny guy, everything he says is a stitch." Peter Griffin "I have aids" Tom Hanks "HAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHA" Peter Grifin

this is a terrific example of that FAG

The Other Tom[edit]

Tom Hanks seen crying after Green killed his dog in a freak-zamboni accident.

Tom Green has riddled Hanks' life with his unruly behavior and underrated humor. He claims to be "funny as hell" yet, Hanks does not agree. Even though Green has vowed to conquer his foe, Hanks does not retaliate in any way and, for the most part, tries to ignore the problem. he designed the ozone with his dick, ozone o3 to bad its actaully made of spouge s2

The Other Other Tom[edit]

Tom Hank's hair, is, in fact, another Hanks in general. SMOKE. It is believed that this 'other other Tom' is a violent alcoholic who refuses to go to AAA. SMOKE. It also has a problem with Tom Green, even stating at a press conference, "That bitch got nuthin on me." ARE YOU SMOKING YET? This was the original inspiration for the da Vinci Code and some subliminal advertising as well as the Series Of Unfortunate Events...series (not just some random emo kid).

The Greek God of Comedy and ur mom isHAIRY OH SHIT!!

Mazes and Monsters… and controversy[edit]

In 1982, Tom Hanks was contacted by Steven Spielberg to make a film about the holocaust. "Finally, I thought I was ready to tell this story. I had to wait a long time to find the right script, but when we found this, we knew we had something" said Speilberg in a 1983 interview in Hustler magazine.

Hanks, having been born 1/3 Jewish, (his mother was Jewish, his father was Andaman Islander, and his second mother was Black Irish) immediately said yes to the project. But what began as an innocent take on the holocaust, soon became mired in controversy. It turned out that the initial screenplay, dubbed Devils and Doctors, which purported to be a memoir of a holocaust survivor, was actually a false document created by a hoaxter and con man who used the whole thing as a ruse so that he could get on Fresh Air with Teri Gross (believing that after she saw him in person, she would fall madly in love with him and move away with him to his castle in England).

However, when this was revealed, on Geraldo Rivera's investigative television news program, the film crew was already into their fourth week of shooting. With investors growing antsy, and the 'burn rate' soaring as Mr Hank's costar, Wendy Crewson, required ever increasing amounts of Canadian Wild Boar in her rider, the director was faced with a dilemma.

Speilbergs son in law, Travis Speilberg-Omamabadajouolansifajuli, had recently attended Vacation Bible School, where he had learned about the evils of Dungeons and Dragons, from a special guest visitor named Jack Chick. Not only had little Travis been playing D&D secretly with his friends, he had started to wonder if maybe he wasn't spending too much time with it, constantly tuning his characters stats, analyzing rulebooks, and repainting miniature figurines. He started to wonder, if maybe he shouldn't be spending more time outside, getting to know girls at the ice-cream social, and doing red-blooded all-american things like getting in street brawls with the dirty greasers from Long Avenue.

Mr Chick confirmed these fears for Travis, and told him that if he didn't change his ways, he was bound to spend eternity suspended over a flaming pool of molten lava, because that is what happens to people who hate Jesus and are enemies of the Lord. Also Mr Chick told him not to tell anyone about his 'nipple exorcism' that he gave him, or that God would know, and God hates tattle tales.

To make a long story short, Travis gave Mr Speilberg an idea - instead of being mired in the problems of the past, and an uncertain factual history, he could instead be saving the souls of the youth of today. Travis gave his father in law the script he had written on blue-lined school paper, and Speilberg instantly had that 'aha moment'.

Pulling an all nighter, with help from Strabucks Prequel 1980s and Cocaine (a popular 'get up and go' medicine of the time), he rewrote the original script overnight, mixing his son in laws suggestions into the original screenplay. Thanks to WGAW rules, he couldn't be given credit for his work, but he felt that it was necessary for the survival of the project, and his career, to complete the film at all costs.

Tom Hanks gets easily caught in plastic bags.

Production continued, with the cast being somewhat confused, but open to changes because, of course, they were actors and needed the money. Only one man defected, Otto Guntz Rolph, who felt that comparing Dungeons and Dragons with Hitler was ridiculous. The rest of the cast completed principal shooting on April 27, 1982, just three weeks prior to opening release.

This caused a problem in the editing process, because Speilberg at that early point in his career, only had access to a Moviola in the back of the Pasadena City College library, on Mondays and Thursdays between 7 and 9 o clock, when he could sneak in thanks to being friends with the clerk and the janitor. (He had spent most of his fortune from Jaws on the aforementioned Cocaine medicine, which he needed to help him battle Narcolepsy).

He asked his friend Marcia Lucas for help, and she said she would do it, as the third Star Wars Movie was not really worth editing. Editing was finished on November 33rd, just two days prior to release. Since there was no bittorrent or youtube back then, Speilberg decided to deliver the film by Pony Express. All over the nation, messengers spread out, throwing the film canisters from rider to rider in old rucksacks made of gunny and burlap. By midnight, August 2nd, every theatre in America was ready to screen the film.

Reviews were mixed. Critics pointed out that the scenes in which actors were wearing Nazi uniforms, and giving the Nazi salute, did not seem to match the parts of the story that were about a lovable group of teenagers who had been sucked into the occult world of D&D. However, many parent's associations praised the movie for its expose of this previously unknown hazard to the American lifestyle, and were eager to root out the corrupt individuals responsible, and rehabilitate their children into nurturing, caring relationships like those found in the Catholic Church, the Boy Scouts, and AOL.

However, Gary Gigax, founder of Wikipedia, and inventor of Dungeons and Dragons, filed a libel lawsuit against Lucas, Hanks, Speilberg, the film production company, the distributor, and etc etc etc. The case dragged on for 15 years, but finally, he was awarded a judgement in 1997 of the vast sum of $100,000. This he used to found Wizards of the Coast, a family owned small business that is renowned for its high standards of ethics.

Speilberg went on to an obscure career, directing nonsense films about monsters and aliens, using shoddy special effects, d-list actors, and scripts he had borrowed from friends. However, he was still able to eke out a meagre living, and at least he was doing what he loved.

Hanks has tried to live down the controversy ever since, when it was revealed in 1985 that he had actually been playing D&D, and in fact had been a Dungeon Master for several years before, during, and after the shooting of the film. Denounced as a hypocrite by the Unamerican media, he held a press conference in which he burned all his D&D gear publically, and was exorcised of the influence of Satan by renowned preacher Billy Graham. Again, though, in 1996, it was revealed in a GQ interview with his long time hetero-life partner Peter Scolare, that he had, in fact, a 12th level mage, and had been playing at the local comic book store under the assumed name of Harold Spoon, for the last several years. He again announced he would quit D&D, but finally, in 1997, with the help of a psychologist friend, he came to accept himself as normal, and D&D as being a harmless pas time.

As a member of the ex-ex-ex-ex D&D movement, Mr Hanks has been instrumental in participating in the emotional and mental recovery of ex-ex-ex-exers. "It has been a hard row for me to hoe, but if I can help someone else to ease the pain that I went through, I think it is worth it" said Mr Hanks in a 1997 E! interview. "I am sorry about the movie. I really am. But I can't take it back.". In 1998 he made the made-for-tv docu drama, "Timmy's Dice", about a bright young boy who was beaten up by other children because he played D&D on the weekends. He tours the country speaking to D&D groups, ex-ex-ex-ex recovery conventions, and autographing his book "12 sided - My life as a closet D&D gamer" which has become a cult hit, and in fact, something of a rallying point for gamer kids everywhere.

Travis Speilberg-Omamabadajouolansifajuli converted to Sufi Islam, and now manufactures halal freeze dried falafel. He lives with his partner in Simi Valley, and they have two children. He also has a 6th level cleric. Dick dick mega dick

Most notable movies[edit]

Because cinemas during the 80's laced the popcorn with LSD and lots of people actually started to like Tom Hanks because of this. Much to the horror of the movie industry the demand for more Hanks movies resulted in the following catastrophes :

  • Shaving Ryan's Private's XXX - A Home made Porn with Larry King and Daniel Carusi, also [paolo bernola] as the queer.
  • Saving Ryan's Private's XXX- sequel to Shaving Ryan's Private's
  • Eating Ryan's Privates XXX - Mongolia's Number 1 rated movie of all time
  • That Thing You Do XXX - an instructional video with Meg Ryan showing how she does that thing that always gets him up
  • Wide awake in Wichita - A mind numbingly obvious plot with Meg Ryan
  • You got a postcard. ( With Meg Ryan )
  • You've Got Mail 2: It's A Mailbomb
  • You've Got Mail 3: Meg Ryan Gave You HIV
  • Tom Hanks and Tom Cruise love the penis
  • Toy story - ( XXX rated ), Hey, He was called WOODY. Need we go into this further ?
  • Being John Malkovich - as John Malkovich, yes really!
  • Polar Express - to film this, Hanks morphed into an actual cartoon for over a year
  • Insomnia in Illinois ( Also with Meg Ryan )
  • Ground control to major Tom - As himself, Watch what happens if you put an actor on a spaceship.
  • You got a Telegram. ( Again with Meg Ryan )
  • Forrest Gump - As himself.
  • pedophilia - as Andrew Beckett, who gets aids from a 12 year old son of a crack whore.
  • narcolepsy In New York - ( I'm pretty sure Meg Ryan is in there somewhere ).
  • The Terminal - Hanks dies 2 minutes into the movie, Roll Titles, (*)Greatest Hanks movie ever.
  • Big
  • Sleepwalking in Sacramento - With Ryan and Zack
  • You Got Pwned, LoL - Hanks And Ryan battle it out In Counterstrike without knowing there true identities.
  • Cast Away - Tom hanks teaches fishing in the Norwegian fjords of death. (documentary) .
  • Cast Away 2 - ( XXX rated ), Tom and a volleyball get busy on an uncharted island.
  • Toms Hanky Pank Adventures

From the Semi intellectual movies from books section :

  • Return of the Da Vinci Code
  • Bride of the Da Vinci Code
  • Son of the Da Vinci Code
  • I Pity the Fool who Thinks all this Da Vinci Code Bullshit is True starring Mr. T
  • Da Vinci, International Code of Mystery
  • Da Vinci Code II: Who Would Jesus Kill?
  • Cast Away XXL
  • Da Vinci Code III: Da Vinci, Where`s My Car?
  • Dude,who stole my copy of the Da Vinci Code? As i would like to thank them.(Or the alternative title "Dude, who stole Tom Hanks sense of pride and convinced him it was ok to make shitty films such as the Da Vinci Code?")
  • Da Vinci Code IV: The Vatican Strikes Back
  • Da Vinci Code IV.1: Da Vinci Harder
  • Da Vinci Code V: Gods Gone Wild
  • Da Vinci Code VI: Snakes In An Art Gallery (starring Samuel L Jackson).
  • Da Vinci Code VII : The Hidden Mystery of the Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything.
  • Da Vinci Code 404: Error
  • Da Vinci Code 419 (In which the Holy Grail is transferred to your bank account by someone in Nigeria).
  • Da Vinci Code 420: The Quest for the Holy Herb.
  • Da Vinci Code 4:21 : The Day After
  • Da Vinci Code 666: How the Grinch Stole Christians
  • Da Vinci's Code 747: How to Hijack a Boeing
  • Da Vinci Code 9,072,087:I still know that you scream when Da Vinci says you've got mail in the little shop arond the corner
  • Da Vinci in da Hood
  • Da Vinci, Silence of the Code
  • Da Vinci Code: I Am Leg-End (starring Will Smith)
  • Da Vinci's : Plan to Piss Off the World.
  • Da Vinci's CoD4: Modern Warfare
  • Da Vinci Dogs (with special guest director Quentin "Mr. Special Needs" Tarantino)
  • Da Vinci Kong: Escape From Manhattan
  • Da Vinci-busters
  • Da Vinci & Hooch
  • Saving Private Da Vinci
  • Da Vinci and Michelangelo's Infinite Playlist
  • Da Vinci: Stop calling me gay, i can't defend myself because I'm dead.
  • "Dildo" Vinci Code

And the series :

  • Losing Private Richard Reiben.
  • Unable to save Private Daniel Jackson.
  • Thats the last of Private Stanley Mellish.
  • Private Adrian Caparzo has snuffed it.
  • Finding Captain John Millers hearing aid.
  • Stealing from Corporal Timothy Uphams wardrobe.
  • Private Ryans savings ( Or Saving Ryans Privates )
  • Ryan Saving his Privates
  • Private Jay Leno is in my Closet
  • Saving Private Sam a Seat
* Greatest hanks movie ever apart from .
The Never written nor filmed movie with Tom Hanks

And his most famous movie to date:

  • Tom Hanks: The Life Of - based on the bestselling novel, Tom Hanks: The Novelisation Of.

He has also released an autobiography:

  • Peeping Tom: The Tom Hanks Trilogy (book two was written by Meg Ryan)

See also[edit]