Tom Morello

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Thomas Methodist Baptist Presbyterian New Age Jewish Buddhist Islamic Jehovah Witness Morello was an utter,complete,absolute and total un-American guitarist. When he was killed, he was the lead guitarist of Soundgarden, former guitarist of Audioslave, and former guitarist of Rage Against the Machine. He is the founder of the Chinese Communist Party, and former dictator of North Korea. He is still the leading candidate for Prime Minister of Canada, even though he is "dead". He has black parents who hated him and threw him in the trash at six months of age. He was found by his mother, former chinese dictator KIM jong-il who raised him. At four years old he found a guitar and brutally beat and murdered his parents necause he hated them and has been good at guitar ever since.

Musical Career[edit]

When TMM was 25, his appearance had changed enough that people no longer recognized him, so he was free to leave his shack. At this time, he met and befriended a young neo-nazi and anti-intelligenceist named Zach de la Rocha. Z-to-tha-D was a gifted vocalist and composer, and TMM envied him. For a few years, they wrote and played music together, but soon Morello's envy turned to anger, and he brutaly murdered Zack de la Rocha with a spork and a blunt rusty stick.


Rise Against the Machines[edit]

With all the music TMM and Z-to-tha-D had written, Morello started a band call Rage Against the Machine. Morello sang and played rhythm guitar, Tim Commerford played bass, Brad Wilk played drums, and C.C. Deville played lead guitar. The band recorded 45 of the songs Morello and de la Rocha had written, and put them onto three albums. The albums were all released, but not before the band broke up. In fact, the band broke up two weeks before the first album was released. In spite of there being no chance of support tours, all of the albums went at least double platinum.

RATM's songs were known for their strong anti-American lyrics. Nothing about the country pleased them, yet they refused to go anywhere else, and they refused to give any suggestions as to how to improve anything. It was like they were ignorant or retarded or something...


Tom in another of his solos. WHY DO THEY ALL SOUND THE SAME????

In 1993, Morello decided to restart RATM. However, C.C. Deville, citing musical differences, refused to reunite with the rest of the band. This was quite odd, considering he never attempted to write music himself, and he was barely more than a zombie fueled by booze and narcotics. With Deville out of the picture, the rest of the band decided that their hearts were no longer in it. With no band behind him, Morello knew something must be done. He travelled to Seattle to recruit new musicians. The first to join was a drummer named Chris Cornell. Double C said he refused to have anyone but himself sing in a band. With this new revelation, Morello decided to go back to his roots and play guitar. Before more musicians could join, Brad Wilk and TIM.COM decided to re-join. However, TMM Could not bring himself to call the band Rage Against the Machine if C.C. Deville was not in it, so the band decided to use the name Audioslave.

Audioslave released a few albums, but then Chris Cornell wanted to go solo, so quit. Thus was the beginning of Soundgarden.


Soundgarden was meant to be a solo project, but ended up as a band when Double C decided he needed some help writing music. He called on his friend TMM, and they began to compose. In this time, TMM grew long hair, a beard that looked like pubes, and changed himself into an Indian. They hired Hiro Yamamoto to play bass, and Matt Cameron to play drums. They started to make music, but somehow it ended up nachos.


Tom Morello was famed for his unique guitar style and many customized guitars. His guitars are so important that they warrant being explained here.

  • The Arm of a Hobo is just what it sounds like, a guitar made of the bones of the severed arms of a homeless man. It's got some fancy parts, but none of them are really all that important. It's covered in stickers and painted blue. It also has commie symbols on it because Tom Morello was a commie.
  • Soul Power Generator is a Fender Stratocaster that is powered by human souls. It is called generator because the energy it takes from souls is so much that it can also power all the amps and PAs and all that other junk needed for a good concert.
  • Sendero Luminoso (Sharting Patch) is a black Fender Telecaster stolen from a Mexican.
  • Pabst Blue Ribbon Les Paul is a guitar set on fire and then thrown into the fires of Mordor. Sounds like crap.

There are some others, but none of them are important.

Later days and death[edit]

Morello never gave up his political beliefs or agendas. At the end of his life, he made it his goal to to re-conquere Kenya and North Korea. He also wanted to take Uganda and South Korea, the two places he failed to rape with his military might. Because of his controversial political views and agenda, he was at all times guarded. With his connections in world military and politics, he was able to acquire the services of a special task force trained in all forms of offensive and defensive combat. When in his service, these special agents were called The Night Watchmen.

After a time, people began to realize that Morello was putting his commie hippie ideals into the lyrics of his music. After gaining funding from a few uber capitalist mega corporations, as small contingent of ultra conservative lobbied to have Morello deported. For some unknown reason, they failed miserably. In light of this, the mega corporations decided to just have him kidnapped and sent to Uzbekistan or Crapistan or some other place that sucks.

In 2008, Morello was loaded onto a plane that was sent flying into the Middle East. The pilots, who were increadibly drunk, couldn't read the map to figure out where he was supposed to be dropped. When they realized in their drunken stupor that they couldn't keep flying because they'd run out of gas, the decided to just throw him out of the plane with a parchute. They forgot that they would have to get out of the plane before it crashed to survive as well, but that's what happens when you're drunk.

As it happens, Morello landed in a mountain range in Afghanistan. The local terrorists found him and forced him into their ranks. Eventualy, they found out he was a communist, at which point they laughed histerically until they fell asleep. When the woke up, they decided that with his inferior beliefs he would be the lowest of their ranks. This terrorist group had been hired by a large weapons manufacturing company to kill some unknown target, whom they later found out was Tony Stark. Their leader, some bald guy that looked like Imhotep from The Mummy, found out that Stark was not building him a missile, so sent in a small group of soldiers t ofind out what exactly he was doing. Morello, being the lowest on the totem poll, was sent in first.

Tony stark had actually been building his prototype Iron Man suit, which he was wearing when Morello entered the room. Stark saw Morello and istantly knew who he was. He was thrown into a rage, and yelled out "I always knew you were a fucking terrorist!" at which point he punched TMM in the chest, sending him flying accross the room. This is how it came to be that Iron Man's first act was to "kill" Tom Morello.


Rage Against the Machine[edit]

  • Rage Against the Machine
  • The Empire Strikes Back
  • Return of the Ragi
  • Redneck Gays of Funk
  • The Battle of your Colon
  • Live at the Grand Olympic Arsehole.


  • Audioslave
  • Out of Retirement
  • Live in Communism
  • Revolutions


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  • Screaming from a Stubbed Toe/Flopp
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