Tom Vilsack

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“Them cops was after me....and my homie Tom was always there.”

~ 50 Cent on Tom Vilsack

“I go to Iowa every other week. How come I've never heard of this guy?”

~ Barack Obama on Tom Vilsack

“Vilsack is the shizzle!”

~ Snoop Dogg on Tom Vilsack

“In Soviet Russia, Vilsack has never heard of YOU!”

~ Russian Reversal on Tom Vilsack
9th Street Posse leader Dizzy Krunk X preparing to pop some caps in the asses of Democratic frontrunners during his 15-minute presidential campaign.

Tom "Dizzy Krunk X" Vilsack, ex-governor of Iowa, became known nationwide when he singlehandedly turned Iowa into a stronghold for the 9th Street Posse gang.

Early Life[edit]

Born on the mean streets of Omaha, Dizzy Krunk X got fast-tracked in life when a local Crip leader saw him pulling out fingernails with a pliers. Three years later, at age eight, he was the youngest made man in the Crip organization. His duties involved collecting protection dues, packing heat, parking lot pimping, ridin' on 24's, and BaLlIn!.

Dizzy Krunk X's family life is often stated as the main cause for his rebellious youth. His father, Simon Vilsack, was a contortionist in the circus, and his father's life partner, known only as "McYamma," was a stay-at-home drunk. His parents divorced when he was still very young, and he was left with his father's life partner.

Kwanzaa Day Massacre[edit]

On Kwanzaa, during a The Player's Ball of 1978, Vilsack became the head of the 9th Street Posse. At the time, he was still associated with the Crips. However, during the afterparty, Vilsack arrived alone, carrying a sawed-off shotgun. He proceeded to rid the room of all Crip members, unleashing a fury of 35 slugs at the party. Witnesses claimed Vilsack dispatched the three co-leaders of the Crips with his final shot, earning him the nickname "Dizzy Krunk X.", and solidifying him as the People's Champ.

Life as governor[edit]

Once he had taken care of the Crips, the governor's office was the last piece of pie Vilsack had to take. Terry Branstad declined to run for re-election; insiders agree that Vilsack's Kwanzaa Day Massacre scared him off, and Vilsack seized the office by staging a drive-by on opponent Ice T's election campaign headquarters. By seizing office, Dizzy Krunk X was able to accomplish many things, including

  • Instituting the Colt 45 as the official bird of Iowa
  • No snitches.
  • Popping the people of Iowa's collar.
  • Tippin' a cow, and pimpin' some hos.
  • Prole of Ingsoc, doubleplusgood.

Once these radical breakthroughs had occurred, the people of Iowa unanimously decided to join forces with the 9th Street Posse. As a first move, they preemptively attacked Wisconsin, those cheese-loving bastards, and pillaged and annexed their state.

Trial for Invasion of Wisconsin[edit]

Vilsack was charged by Supreme Allied Commandant George Bush of multiple war crimes, including murder, grand theft auto, and general shenanigans for the attack on Wisconsin. Vilsack was acquitted of all crimes for the invasion, most likely because no witness would testify due to his policy of "No Snitches!"

Current Day[edit]

In 2007, the Guinness Book of Records featured Vilsack's 15-minute campaign as the world's shortest presidential run. Vilsack faced mass confusion, though, as many casual observers believed he was the Aflac duck. (Vilsack just narrowly beat the previous record holder, Florida Senator Bob Graham, whose 2004 presidential bid lasted 15 minutes, 30 seconds.) After his great success, the Democratic Party recruited Vilsack to work security for Hillary Clinton. Currently, his favorite weapon is a Glock, perfect for nonlethal kneecap shots.

Candidates in the 2008 U. S. Presidential Election
Republican Candidates

John McCain the Elder | Rudy Giuliani | Mike Huckabee | Ron Paul | Ronald Reagan's Ghost | Mitt Romney | Tom Tancredo | Fred Thompson | Tommy Thompson

Democratic Candidates

Barack Obama / Baraq Hussein Osama | Hillary Clinton | John Edwards | Mike Gravel | Stephen T. Colbert, DFA

Independent Candidates

Ralph Nader