Tony Abbott

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“God I hate this man”

~ Me on Tony Abbott.

“Shit Happens...”

~ Tony Abbott on Work Placement Laws.

“Don't blame me, everyone fucks up every now and then”

~ God on Tony Abbott.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, oh God am I sorry”

~ Tony Abbott on his own existence.
A little known fact about Tony Abbott is that due to the lack of any kind of human heart, he must be kept on a respirator at all times. This also maintains a steady balance of bullshit and concentrated evil flowing through his veins.
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Tony Abbott (born 4 November, 2000 B.C.), is well known within Australia as the foul-mouthed national figurehead of the Catholic Church, and as being a member of the famous comic duo Abbott and Costello. He also happens to be a politician, apparently. He has been the voice behind many attempts to pass abortion legislation through the Australian Parliament, rather ironically considering he is frequently cited as an example of the need for more abortions, and his name has been heard many times recently in relation to the controversy over the RU468 abortion pill, of which he is a staunch supporter. He is known as Beelzebub to many but most simply refer to him as fuck-up. Unfortunately, due to the utter failure of Mr Turnbull (a.k.a. "The Silvertail" from "Kevin Rudd P.M. series two"), Abbott has now been promoted to leader of the opposition, and has now even got the position as the bloody Prime Minister (oh how we wonder how that ever happened).

Upbringing[edit]

Tony was born and grew up in the small town of Mordor, where he received his first few years of education. Unfortunately, he was never a particularly bright student, and often complained, thus he earned the nickname, "Moany Tony". It was this nickname and the concentrated teasing by a posse of liberalist homosexuals who stalked him at every turn, that forced him to eventually leave Middle Earth for Australia. It was one of these individuals who was later revealed to be the son of one of Tony Abbott's former girlfriends. He now works at the ABC. (In fact, Tony was infertile from a cock and ball torture technique he continues to this day using severe constriction and hessian bicycle seats. The bastard was found to be immaculately conceived from angel spray.)

Personal Life[edit]

In his spare time Tony Abbot enjoys teasing cancer victims, kicking babies, kicking single mothers with babies, kicking women carrying babies, making a joke out of women who have miscarried babies, forcing women to have babies, sowing his evil incarnate seed to produce his illegitimate spawn of satan offspring, in the form of babies and laughing manically with that shit-eating grin of his. And, once he has done all of these terribly important duties to the Australian public, he relaxes in John Howard's arse. He also engaged in a ferocious brawl with Julia Gillard which resulted in him sustaining multiple puncture wound derived from Julia Gillards nose.

Surprisingly none of these activities have made him unqualified to manage Australia's health portfolio.

He has also been known to enjoy swearing at women in his spare time and turning hospitals into his own private little play-pen.

Political Career[edit]

Abbott migrated to Australia at the age of sixteen and soon found a comfortable situation living with a Catholic priest. It was at this time that Abbot became involved with politics, after stumbling upon the notion of ‘democracy’ while deciding (with his friends, the local Down’s Syndrome Soccer Club) which of the neighbour’s children to paddle first.

He later ran as M.P. for the local electorate and has since become the liberal Minister for Health and Ageing. Mr Abbott regularly demonstrates the dangers of abortion to schoolchildren, something he achieves by climbing into a womb-coloured sleeping bag and asking his Down’s Syndrome minions to brutally jab at him with a novelty coat-hanger. After 10-15 hours of this, he rushes naked from the sleeping bag completely naked and dripping with amniotic fluid, howling at the children (and their beaming parents) that abortion is “fucking terrible.”

His attempt to seize the Liberal leadership after the departure of John Howard could only be described as an EPIC FAILURE. That is, until Malcum Turnbull likewise EPIC FAILED, after which, the fag stole his position as Leader of the Opposition with only 9 months to an election. OH NOES

Batshit Fucking Insanity[edit]

Tony Abbott has been known to be vocally critical of the process of therapeutic cloning, claiming he is fearful of the creation (and subsequent invasion) of demonically possessed, animal-human hybrids. This is particularly ironic when viewing the above photo. He has also voiced concern over the ensuing battle between the last remaining humans and these animal-human hybrids, and the post-apocalyptic death-world this would ultimately create.

Suppourters argue that this was in fact a misunderstanding emerging from the politician being misquoted, claiming no-one could really be sure what the minister was saying as he was cowering under a bed sheet, in his underwear, clutching a shotgun and screaming unintelligibly at the time. Others have claimed he had simply been watching the movie constantine and had huffed some bad kittens.

Religious groups were quick to come to the defence of the minister however with the majority of Australian catholic churches quickly converted into reinforced storehouses for automatic weapons in preparation for what is now commonly known as as 'the uprising', several reactionary cults also emerged to support the concept, these went through a brief period of popularity with the use of the slogan 'It's only half as crazy as scientology' and 'just as expensive'.

I really do wish I was kidding about this, but he actually fucking said it. This man is meant to be the Australian Minister for health and he has no comprehension of science. He's afraid of animal-human hybrids? If this were any normal person they'd be drooling in a padded cell, rummaging through a dumpster or a successful hollywood actor, you know, something which isn't important.

Markus, a hybrid half human, half vampire, half Lycan from the film Underworld which Tony Abbot uses for the majority of his policy direction.

Controversey[edit]

Tony Abbott has frequently denied rumours that he is in fact puppet by forcing the cardinals of the Catholic church to drink a glass of water whilst he babbles mindlessly. Although this theory would shed light on just exactly what was up Tony Abbott's arse.

Tony's mother revealed earlier this year that he was in fact a failed abortion, and that he was conceived during a wild sex romp in Soho, England, while his mother's husband was away on a business trip. This has served to strengthen Tony's firm support of clinical abortion within Australia, even to the point of his recent modestly successful bid to place control of the RU468 abortion pill into the hands of the AWB, in the hopes that they will export it back in time to Iraq so that Saddam Hussein may be reverse-temporally aborted.

Quotes[edit]

Reporter: "Mr Abbott RU486?"
Mr Abbott: "I am for 86-ing everything not in the bible."

See also[edit]