Topology

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A sufferer's brain becomes a pulsing hypersphere, shown here in a 2-d model of a 3-d shape representing a 4-d object.
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For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Topology.

Topology is a particularly virulent, yet fortunately rare, strain of mathematics.

Symptoms[edit]

The most common symptom of topology is confusing everyday objects with one another, such as being unable to differentiate between doughnuts and coffee cups, which obviously causes many problems for police officers. Another common symptom is being unable to differentiate between old and new jokes, which can result in repeated utterances concerning doughnuts and coffee cups.

In a severe case of topology one might even confuse doughnuts with abelian groups. This is called 'algebraic' topology.

Another symptom is the loss of bladder control, necessitating the use of `rubber sheets'.

History[edit]

Topology was discovered by Leonhard Euler, the town drunkard of Königsberg, when he attempted to find his way home after a particularly long night of heavy drinking. After crossing every bridge in town exactly once, he gave up on his search and returned to the bar.

Topology began with the discovery of imaginary planets. See that article for an introduction to them. Topology is mainly interested in the shapes of these planets that don't exist. (Realism interjection: This makes everything freaking irrelevant so you may just want to hit random page right now, or do you?) For instance, many of them are not spherical, as one might expect. Usually, they are long, thin, and get stuck in your hair.

Topology is important because it showed that planets show up in surprising places. They can be incredibly small and fit in the palm of your hand. But, the most important discovery of all is this: Sophia is an imaginary planet. The scientific implications of this will be bountiful.

Algebraic topology[edit]

A branch of topology where one studies algebraic problems such as "given two cups of coffee and four doughnuts, how many coffee cups and/or doughnuts do you have?" Some claim that two coffee cups is eight. A standing conjecture suggests these operations are independent under rubber sheets, and one expects a lot of excitement to come out of this.

Examples of topological constructs[edit]