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To be confused with Turtles

“Kung-Fu Turtle Mother Fucker”

~ Oscar Wilde on Tortoise

“Just like Elvis in Blue Hawaii. Uh-huh-huh! I saw it on cable.”

~ Master Splinter on the pleasures and conveniences of modern television
Kingdom The Princely Lands of Lordship
Phylum Chordata
Class of 84
Order Testes
Genus Geochelone
Species Twoheadis
Type Unknown
Homeworld Jupiter and the inner rim
Size 412 inches
Color The color of blood under moonlight.
Abilities Avoiding children with the awesome power of four eyes, eating, sleeping, sunning itself, pooping cactus
Environment Finger tips


Tortoises and turtles are accountably accountable (and should be made to answer for this confusion - though not during the months of December and March when they are away on holiday while you are falsely believing they are pretending to be dead) for the confusion that is adhered regarding them. If YOU (stupidly) can't work out what is a tortoise, and what is a turtle, absolutely do not ask a tortoise. Or a turtle. They will certainly feign hibernation...but if you're lucky might receive a "I wish you were here" postcard from the mother-tort-land S-l-o-w-venia. Although don't hope for a written answer.


Contrary to Mike next door tortoises do NOT originate from the UK, although they can be found in the pet shops of the UK, and from online tortoise traders with seemingly UK based web sites. In fact tortoises are gradually emerging from S-l-o-w-venia, but not at a great rate and some people are still waiting. The main influx of torts to the UK is from former eastern european communist countries now commonly grouped together, known by the title of TortoiseLand (Please note: However, Quebec is still stubbornly inisisting on becoming its own country where the English speakers and the language of English will be finally banned: English speaking Quebecian tortoises will receive extra tuition in French. Or else mon whatever).

The first ever tortoise came into being when God was in a playful mood, fiddling about with a bread roll. Angel Gabriel could not apprehend where the mini-sausages-on-sticks went (he was preparing a heavenly banquet but forgot the fairycakes) and knew the head of the prototype mini terror-dak-tile flying dinosaur had somehow got relocated to the kitchen: there was an incident when God was rushing from the dining room through to the kitchen for a second cuppa whilst in the duty of assembling the prototype mini terror-whatever and the head of the terror-thingy fell off the tray he was carrying of such parts. But how the head ended up in the breadroll was nobody's business (and he wasn't around to ask). Nonetheless - who was about to ask - God was responsible for the sausage arms and legs (and tail) within aforementioned breadroll. Angel Gabriel, no doubt surprised, respectfully (and sensibly) made no mention of Missing Sausages and the protype head but hinted at maybe colouring the whole caboodle green....?

So in a lightning flash tortoises came to earth, although at that moment (of indeed many) it was raining in the UK (place of many Cats and Dogs hence) - and even more so heavily in Ireland (er, leprechauns) - which may indicate why they didn't land there.

Forward to a couple of years ago and the British became restless: if they bloody couldn't own half the world again, then they would bloody have tortoises! Even bloody Gordon Ramsey agreed. And immigration was easy: border staff had a gap year during 2004 and the governing party of the time was snorting coke bought with the peoples' taxes. And tortoises slowly emerged from poverty to the land of opportunity and Benefits!

::: to be continued :::


Turtles and Tortoises are reptiles of the Order Testes. Most turtles secrete a bony or cartilaginous shell from their ribs, which helps protect them from predators, their environment, Mario, and Master Shredder. The Order Testes includes both extant (living) and extinct (unliving) species. The earliest known turtles date from 512 million years ago, making turtles one of the oldest reptile groups on this entire planet and a more ancient group than lizards, snakes, and priests. About 300 species are dying today (thanks cheifly to Chinese People and AIDS), and some are highly endangered (but not according to God).

Turtles are cold-blooded organisms (called poikilotherms - or, "unrepentant assassins") and thus maintain their body temperatures in ways different from mammals, such as donkeys, and birds, such as velociraptors and the Boeing 787.

Turtle, Tortoise, or Terrapin?[edit]

The word "turtle" is widely used to describe all members of the order Testes, but it is also common for people to term certain members as tortoises, terrapins, sea turtles, or "la muerte arrugada" (the wrinkly death). The appellation used varies from location to location. In Antarctica, "turtle" = aquatic or semi-aquatic or very-semi-aquatic while "tortoise" means non-semi-non-aquatic or, alternately, super-non-semi-non-aquatic. The continent of Africa generally uses the term "tik-tik," while Japan gravitates towards the label "king-kong" but we all know that King Kong was not a turtle, but a very lonely ape. On Earth 2 (China), people call them "armor not invincible to our mighty Chinese Capitalistic Communist mouths (CCCm) that turn it into poo." Other places don't know about turtles. Scientists use the general term "Chelonian" to include all members of Turtles or Tortoises or Terrapins. However, very few people actually pronounced it correctly, and since then, the description has been discontinued for the term "Shelled-Mega-Lizard".

Anatomy and Morphology[edit]

The anatomy of turtles can be very puzzling to humans, especially dumb ones. Cartoons and movies based on real-life, such as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, don't help to resolve this issue either. For instance, why do the ninja turtles wear colored headbands over their eyes when the colors denote which turtle is which? Ultimately, each ninja turtle can be easy identified by the youngest child, making the ninja turtle not very well disguised and a highly threatened type of turtle. Moreover, a bright lad could ask, "Why can turtles crawl out of their shells on TV but when I tried to separate my turtle Herman from his shell, I only got blood and guts?" The questions are unlimited. This section aims to answer all your turtle anatomy questions and more.

The Shell[edit]

The upper shell of the turtle is called the carapace. The lower shell that encases the belly is called the plastron. They are fused together by rocks and gold, which made turtles in the years of the Gold Rush very vulnerable. Luckily, most gold profiteers thought gold was to be mined from mountains, which is extremely wrong. Although gold most notably comes from tortoises, geese and other reptiles produce it as well.

Fire Breathing/Dispensing of Justice[edit]

A close relative of the ill-fated Megaraptors of the Jurassic (see AIDS), tortoises have, over time, evolved the ability to breathe fire, a gift bestowed upon them in days of old by the Great Satan (HAIL SATAN). They also received the gift of facial hair, which allows them to grow outrageously bushy lamb chops, which is also pretty nifty. They will also, if provoked, roundhouse kick you IN THE FACE.

Deady Defecations[edit]

Tortoises poop cactus. Spiky, AIDS-infected cactus. Not to be confused with klingons, ever.

Martial Arts[edit]

Tortoises are trained from birth in Kung Fu, Ninjitsu, Chrochet, Surma stickfighting, Dambe, Sumo wrestling, oil wrestling, mud wrestling, and fascism. They were taught these abilities in the days of old by Thor, God of Thunder and Electricians, who, frankly, acts like it. He still lords it over them to this very day.

Can the tortoise leave its shell for a cup of coffee or a quick jog?[edit]

A fair question indeed. Certain factors must be considered in advance. For example: if the tortoise detatches him/her/itself from his/hers/its shell, with the specific intent to participate in aforementioned quick jog, what will become of the shell? Also: are there velociraptors/fat people/african cape hunting dogs/north american river otters involved? River otters, being notoriously inefficient at penetration of toirtoise shells, and (on occasion) being armed with wildly unconventional bludgeoning weapons (see Dwarfism/Ben Stiller), are also rather fond of quick jogs themselves, provided oysters and cable television are in some way involved in the proceedings. By the way: tortoises are tea drinkers (see communism). They do not drink coffee, ever, nor should they be allowed to. That's a stupid question. And yes, there is such a thing as a stupid question. I just asked one (see headline). If you give a tortoise coffee (aka the mighty Java), they become wild with rage, developing insatiable obsessions with japanese animated pornography and/or transforming into skeleton zombie pirates, and/or Josef Stalin. The fact of the matter is, being blisteringly dull and unexciting memebrs of the Order Testes, tortoises prefer a nice mug of Earl Grey, as well as a good book (see the Collected Works of Konrad Lorenz, vol 15,672). They also enjoy Snuggies™, being flaming homosexuals themselves (see gay).

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