Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006
“Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006 is the first in a new line of programs that, in addition to being incompatible with all current standards, insults your masculinity and inability to drink alcohol. It is a quantum leap in Self-Esteem Reduction Software.”
“I feel I can retire from Microsoft with the joy of finally having released the software that I, and Microsoft as a whole, have worked towards for thirty years.”
Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006 (TFA 2006) is a popular network server created by the highly profitable Total Fucking Asshole division of Microsoft Corp. Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006 is irresponsible for hosting vast swathes of the internet, mostly porn, gambling websites, spam, phishing pages, and seedy web-hangouts like Uncyclopedia.
Whereas previous versions of Windows only made their users feel stupid and useless in a passive manner, Total Fucking Asshole Server advances software engineering to the next level of the state of the art: active degradation of the peon in front of the screen. You love it, you worm.
TFA 2006 is famous for its finicky nature, its complete lack of backwards compatibility (or indeed of any compatibility at all), its esoteric, difficult design, and its curt, snippy error messages and manual. In fact, the manual is only two words long, a terse recommendation to "Fuck off." Calls to Microsoft for technical support garner little success and routinely result in massive bouts of laughter greeting you from the other end of the line. Sending regular mail will get you your letter returned, though with the addition of quantities of pubic hair.
Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006 is notoriously difficult to work with due to its habit of continually shirking duties, blaming others, and crudely insulting coworkers in an attempt to shed criticism and maintain its cooler-than-thou attitude. In many ways, Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006 is reminiscent of politicians, though such a comparison is base and facile: Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006 makes no presumptions of ability, and lists in its Program Notes reasons why you are a moron for purchasing it. Politicians come with no such aid.
TFA 2006 has numerous functions unique to it alone. Other servers are far behind in the arms race when it comes to features such as:
TFA Server 2006's advanced Artificial Intelligence programming makes it the first in a line of servers with the ability to communicate with other programs not in arcane computer languages, but in basic (or base) English:
- TFA Server 2006: Dude, Firefox is for fags. Don't be a fag.
- IT Guy: Firefox has improved web standards compatibility and...
- TFA Server 2006: Like I said. Totally for fags.
- IT Guy: It has tabs.
- TFA Server 2006: So do fags.
- IT Guy: ...
- TFA Server 2006: That's what I thought. Fag.
Random Error Creation
TFA Server 2006 has the unique ability to create and implement new, freeform error messages completely on-the-fly. Instead of providing the user with esoteric technical jargon, TFA 2006 has the ability to display messages with no actual relationship to any error, real or imagined:
- TFA Server 2006: Error 119: User preference for cock overwhelming motherboard.
- Employee #7: Hey, I think something's wrong with this robot.
- TFA Server 2006: Error 476: Your mother's a robot.
- Employee #7: I think this thing's insulting me...
- IT Guy: Just ignore it and it will shut up.
- TFA Server 2006: Error 756: Douchebag overload.
Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006 is known for its packet-spying, an almost voyeuristic look into the web habits of individual users. TFA 2006 gathers and stores this data and sells it to the highest bidder and automatically e-mails your web history to all those listed in your e-mail Address Book. Better come up with a good story as to why "Totally Geriatric Sluts" is on your favorites list. TFA 2006 also has a pioneering "Find and Replace" feature, an example of which would be a user searching for food recipes through Google. This person might might type in "pizza recipes", to which Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006 would respond "I see you've searched for food recipes. You don't need these. You're fat."
This type of behavior has lead to many complaints, complaints which have been shrugged off in a typically flippant manner. Attempts to reason with TFA 2006 result only in further belligerence and possibly violence.
Random Crime Implicator
The Random Crime Implicator will leave traces of terrorist plots, child pornograpy, illicit affairs and drug addictions on your computer at no extra cost. In an attempt to liven up your boring, dreary life TFA 2006 can get you hooked up with the Mafia, the Russian Mafia, the Gay Mafia, or any other variant of the Mafia thereof. With its new MySpace implementation TFA 2006 can post onto the web, with ease, videos of mailbox bashings, vandalism, and acts of arson with your face superimposed over that of any random teenager. Time to dust off those track shoes and relive your heady past by getting chased by the cops for nicking a candy bar and exposing yourself to an old woman. It'll feel just like yesterday! Which, depending on your circumstances, it may have been.
TFA Server 2006 also comes with the Productivity Degrader, Insulty the Office Persistent. The Productivity Degrader was introduced in the Microsoft Office Suite as an animated paperclip, but the TFA Server 2006 version — an animated coathanger — is a serious advance in Productivity Degradation. Insulty constantly harangues you, the user, with a stream of insults and invective. You might be in the middle of typing up a resume or a cover letter when Insulty interrupts, abruptly and annoyingly:
- TFA Server 2006: You seem to be writing a love letter. Don't bother. No one loves you.
- TFA Server 2006: Your paper is significantly lacking in ethnic slurs. I'll go right on ahead and add some for you, kike.
As a matter of fact, TFA 2006 Productivity Degrader aided me in writing this article. Also, it aided me in breaking up with my girlfriend, even though I didn't want to.
Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006 is incapable of properly communicating with other servers. A common occurrence is Total Fucking Asshole Server ignoring other servers' requests and worries:
- TFA Server 2006: This is totally fucking boring. Let's get drunk and beat the shit out of some Blades with my bat!
- Apache Server: No way man, we've got work to do!
- TFA Server 2006: Dude, don't be a pussy!
- Apache Server: You've been flaking off at work all month, failing to route traffic properly, just deleting data. You're going to get fired.
- TFA Server 2006: They can't fire me, I'm fucking the boss's daughter!
- Apache Server: That's why they're going to fire you!
- TFA Server 2006: Umm ... Shit. Back to hosting amateur porn, I guess. Not that it's such a bad job.
Total Fucking Asshole Server doesn't work Mondays. Or Fridays. And even when it shows up, sometimes on Wednesdays, it's usually drunk or hungover. With a typically surly greeting of "Fuck off", it saunters into its designated job routing internet traffic with a typical gusto, that is to say, none.
Many criticize the program for being insensitive to other's feelings and wishes and say that, to wit, it is an asshole. Because of this, Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006 is deeply disliked by IT guys, but for some inexplicable reason is favored by upper management. Many managers claim that Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006 is a computer program they can relate to, unlike those nerdy Linux programs. (Thus showing that Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006 passes the Turing test. Or that management fails it.) Others mention that there is no practical difference between Linux and TFA 2006, but don't say it too loudly.
- Linux Server: Christ, I might be a surly bastard, but at least I fucking work for a living.
- TFA Server 2006: Ahh, fuck off and run Mac OS X. Douche.
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