Total Trash

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Total Trash™ was invented in 1996, but it was first implemented as late as 2002. It was invented by a group of scientists allegedly led by Thomas Alvar Edition[1], who was said to have suffered from horrible anxieties after the deed, and consequently committed genocide. Total Trash™ looks just like normal trash, but closer inspection reveals it to be far trashier, far more useless, and consequently superior as trash.

A sample of experimental Total Trash™.

History of trash[2][edit]

Throughout time, trash has just been found in dumps. The common mental image of trash is "something someone threw away because it was unusable". There obviously are no major landmarks in the history of trash. It just has existed as a part of the human community, or a part the human community has decided to discard.

The short and glorious history of Total Trash™[edit]

A social need...[edit]

In the 1990's it became obvious that ordinary trash just wasn't trashy enough. It was seen as lame, boring, retro! Also, as will be explained, it wasn't as efficiently produced as it could have been. See below for two examples of the pitifully outdated trash production processes.

Example one; culture[edit]

  • a forest was harvested
  • paper was made out of the timber in a factory
  • something utterly idiotic, or at least totally redundant, was printed on the paper
  • people read the idiocies
  • the paper was thrown away to clutter windy alleyways, dumps, and so forth

Example two; traffic[edit]

  • materials such as iron, rubber, and copper were mined, harvested and/or produced
  • cars were manufactured out of the materials
  • cars were sold to people
  • people drove around, usually for no good purpose
  • cars broke down and were consequently dumped

Conclusion: inefficient[edit]

As we can easily see, there are several redundant and productive steps in the above processes. These include, but are not limited to:

  • people getting paid
  • companies earning money
  • people getting information of a kind
  • people getting from place to place, thereby possibly earning more money, and even being happier
  • pollution and trash being generated only as a by-product

A vast minority of people started to feel there must be an improvement somewhere. In 1992, a group called the Unvironmentalists started a chain saw letter, thereby forcing everyone to donate their lunch money of that week for the study of trash-improvement. This is generally seen as the starting point of a better, flashier future for trash.

The snappy slogan of the Unvironmentalists.

...and its fulfillment.[edit]

As soon as the budget was in the wrong hands, there was no need to go around looking for scientists to do something with it. The money was first taxed by the Unvironmentalists (by about 95%) and the rest was given to the first scientist group to come asking for it. The group immediately traveled to different brothels around the globe[3] to study the local trash situation and sample the alcoholic beverages and other substances for inspiration. During the cooling-off[4] period they came up with the schemes for Total Trash™.

How Total Trash™ is produced; examples[edit]

Example 1[edit]

  • a radioactive forest is harvested
  • the process of manufacturing paper is started in a decrepit[5] factory
  • the factory is blown up, spreading pieces of half-finished paper to clutter the place

Example 2[edit]

  • a million cows are slaughtered at the centre of a busy city, left to fester for a time, and then blown up to clutter the place and to spread disease

Example 3[edit]

  • a car-like object is produced out of harmful substances in an outdated factory. It has a motor that's designed to last only long enough to take it to some relatively uncluttered place, preferably a natural sanctuary.
  • once there, it is shot through the gasoline tank with a bazooka

How Total Trash™ is an improvement on standard trash[edit]

  • it spreads more easily
  • it is more annoying
  • when fibrous, it is only annoyingly so - this reduces its recyclability
  • it is more useless[6]
The Total Trash™ logo. It has been criticized for not looking miserable enough - not by many, though.

The future of trash[edit]

Questions have alredy been voiced about the efficiency of Total Trash™. Is it necessary to have so many steps in the processes? Couldn't somebody just come up with an idea to turn everything into trash automatically[7]? Maybe Absolute Trash is already on its way.


  1. Actually Edition was only a minor player in a group of incompetent brilliant scientists, never the leader of it - he was said to be dumb enough never to invent anything. But since the article says he was the leader, I guess we'll have to take it at face value. You might, however, want to look at Mandelbrot to see what an evil scientist looks like. We assure you Edition was nothing of the kind, and deeply regret his fate, even though he was as daft as a plank.
  2. Not to be confused with Bullshit and abolutely not with Garbage which has an actual history
  3. To attain the maximum pollution level at the outset of the project.
  4. Read: Hangover, Cold Turkey
  5. Again for the maximum pollution level.
  6. Often not even recyclable because of the high poison content.
  7. Some Trash Spiritualists have suggested there exists a Superior Being who already has programmed the planet, along with all its evolution, to produce a species in whose hands everything automatically turns into trash. All bets are off on whether Homo Sapiens succeeds in being the species.