Tourist Dave

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Tourist Dave is a description of the ultimate tourist. A combination of all the negative aspects of tourism, too many photographs, no sense of direction, spreading his money and worse, a innate hatred for the local customs. The saying comes from Australia, a place frequently overrun by Asian Tourists Hospes photographicus, but was actually instigated to shame those who travelled from Australia to other countries overseas and acted similar to your standard Hospes photographicus.


How to distinguish between a normal tourist and a Tourist Dave[edit]

You can't. All you can do is trust your instincts. A TD looks exactly the same as any tourist, one slight difference is that a TD is more likely to wear bright clothing to help them stand out from the crowd even more. However, a normal tourist may also wear bright clothing, simply out of preference so that is no help whatsoever. If you are suspicious about whether an individual is a TD or not, it is suggested that you watch and document their behaviour. The documentation is essential, for if they are a TD, they must visit a doctor of pyschologist immediately to become cured.

Encounters with a Tourist Dave[edit]

This is one of the more terrifying things that can occur during a person's lifetime. For some reason, most encounters with a TD occurs in Asian countries, such as China, Japan, Korea, India and Chile. It is believed that most people are filled with the desire to "pay back" the tourists who are swarming the Aussie coastlines. This can lead to "Tourist Dave Syndrome" (see below).

Interestingly enough, after Asia, most TD encounters occur in Australia itself. There is a school of thought on this; people such as Professor Hospes believe that people who travel around the outback of Australia are mentally affected by the isolation. This and the fact that the first group of people they run into when they return to a civilised area of the country, such as Uluru, Yulara, Alice Springs, or the Simpson Desert, is usually a group of Hospes photographicus, completely reshifts their train of thought about their travel. This is a major cultural dilemma as more and more people are falling under the control st TDS.

Tourist Dave Syndrome[edit]

Also known as TDS the Tourist Dave Sydrome can strike any person in any location in the world (usually whilst they are travelling). The symptoms include; speaking loudly ahd slowly, having a camera as a permanent extension of the body (most commonly around the neck), carrying a little book on the country they are visiting, buying stuff in a market 20 times the price it should be, and wearing bright coloured clothing with cheesy sayings, ie, "G'day", "I <3 NY", "I visited Manchester and only left mentally scarred!" and "im in ur townz, takin photoes of ur landmarkz"

How to deal with TDS[edit]

This is a must know if you are intending to travel anywhere within the next 3 years. Currently, TDS has been classified as a endemic, but it has been predicted that that will change in the near future. It is suggested by all governments that you visit your family doctor or psychologist for a checkup at least 3 weeks before your departure to ensure that you are as safe as possible from the spread of TDS. If you have TDS upon your return to your country, you may be required to enter into quarantine for a minimum of 25 years. If you are from Australia, be prepared to be sent to Woomera detention centre.

10 other ways of dealing with TDS:

  1. Avoid large tourist groups as much as possible. Herds of Hospes photographicus are the most dangerous, but crowds of Hospes titanic and Hospes crumens have also been known increase the spread of TDS.
  2. If you find yourself in the middle of such a group, disentangle yourself by pointing out something (a long long long way away) that would be good for photographs. This can be anything from an interesting flower to an interesting landmark.
  3. Avoid all tourists
  4. Bring a lot of DVDs with you when you travel. That way, if someone you are travelling becomes infected, you can lock them in your room and they can watch movies for hours on end, in your language, and are not tempted to go buy lots of pirated DVDs or to watch the local TV.
  5. Always haggle, you may not like the fact of spending more time than necessary in dark dingy area, but you will get stuff cheaper!
  6. Avoid markets.
  7. Spend as little time as possible around tourist landmarks
  8. Refer to Rule 1
  9. Do not spend a lot of time as a tourist yourself - there is too much danger in that!
  10. Avoid travel at all costs!!!

Other terrifying tourist links[edit]