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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Transubstantiation.
Take bland unleavened wafers...
Add magic chanting and gesturing...
Jesus meat!
Jesus's flesh and blood being eaten by his apostles, during the Last Supper

Transubstantiation is the process in which bland unleavened wafers and cheap "churchy" wine convert into human flesh and blood that, despite the event, still tastes remarkably like bland unleavened wafers and cheap churchy wine. These transubstantiated wafers, when consumed with a sip of the transubstantiated wine whose socially acceptable quantity does not exceed that which would not drown a tick, go down rather roughly, but make you feel all spiritually moved and tickly inside.


Transubstantiation is usually performed by magicians, also called "priests", in robes chanting odd phrases couched in iconic mystery. This chanting rearranges the molecular structure of the wafers and the wine into that of human flesh and blood, specifically of one Jesus of Nazareth, a rather skinny fellow of some questionable paternal heritage from the first century CE, who nonetheless was amicably adopted into a well-off Jewish carpentry family by way of the adoptive father's marriage to the legitimate mother. But all of that is another story. The purpose for altering these elements into this particular fellow's flesh and blood are complex. This article shall focus primarily on the transubstantiation process itself, leaving the examination of the significance of the Jewish carpenter to another essayist.


During transubstantiation, the simple molecules of the wafer instantaneously convert into the familiar double-helix of Jesus' DNA, and the wine transforms into hemoglobin, platelets and plasma. Vibrations from the odd words and gesticulations of the chanting priest act as the chemical catalyst for these reactions. Despite this well-known process, however, careful microscopic observation of the wafer and wine will reveal no such process. This is due to what is known as the Heisenberg Theology Principle, which states that no religious truth, when actually examined by the scentific method, will reveal its properties to the observer.

Proof of veracity

Because of the unobservable nature of this process, there are many who question the veracity of this event. For proof, however, partakers of such transubstantiated wafers offer the inner peace and salvation that they receive on doing so. This peace and salvation is not measurable by any extant method, so one must maintain the conviction that these wafer partakers harbor no motivation to fib about it, unsupportable though such a position may be.

How To Transubstantiate

These non-priests are transubstantiating stuff at home. You can, too. Note that the pointy wizard hats are not a requirement, and it looks like that bread has totally had the shit leavened out of it, but hey. You go, kids!

For the do-it-yourselfers, this skill is not generally limited to the office of church priesthood - you too can transubstantiate stuff.[1] In order to perform this feat, procure for yourself a supply of unleavened wafers and cheap wine. As the wine you will have available will not be sufficiently watered-down, you ought to add water to it before performing this task, just as the priests do.

First, lift the bread to heaven and break it, saying "This bread is my body, which is broken for you. Mind you it will taste like paper, but I tell you it's my body. Stop arguing with me and eat it."

Likewise, after supper, take the cup of wine, lift it above your head, saying, "This wine is my blood, shed for you for the forgiveness of sin. It looks and tastes like wine, but it's blood, god damn it. You could use this shit for a transfusion, but then the patient would end up all holy. Anyway drink it, and remember me when you do. Especially my good jokes."

Make the sign of the cross over the elements and bingo! You got yourself real life Jesus meat. When you eat it, you will feel all saved and tingly. Enjoy.[2]


  1. Though it is recommended that you limit said stuff to unleavened wafers and wine, like the priests do. The tingly salvation effect may not be as substantial with transubstatiated twinkies, for instance.
  2. But beware of attracting vampires