Trashing family values

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Out to get you.

Important announcement[edit]

We, the People's Front of Liberal Homosexual Bigots (PFLHB), wish to announce our commencement of trashing family values, starting on the date of writing of this article. Our aim is not to trash just any family values, but especially your family values. What this means is, in short, that we will find out about the values your family has, and then we will unleash our bigotry and trash them. We can assure you nobody will be safe. Below is a list of some families whose values we already know, and what we are going to do about them. This is not for the faint of heart.

Case 1: the Johnson family convertible[edit]

It has come to our attention that the Johnson family of Crack Valley, Minnesota, has been planning to buy a new convertible for some years. They have been saving for it, and now they are ready to purchase. Their minds have been so hooked up with the idea for the last half a year that when our agent asked what their family values were, they replied almost in unison: "The usual, and a new car!" Our organization will not tolerate this.

Out to get a new convertible. The Johnsons.

How PFLHB will deal with it[edit]

  • first, we will send the Johnson family a letter and/or e-mail telling them that purchasing a new car in the current economic situation is not useful, and that they should save their money instead. Thereby we question the value.
  • second, if the first point is not enough, we will purchase all the new convertibles in Crack Valley and its immediate vicinity. This should discourage the family. This is already actively fighting against their family value. Liberal bigotry at its most powerful.
  • if the Johnsons go in search for a convertible somewhere else, we will send an agent to tell them that convertibles suck. This should shock them, even if it won't hinder them.
Score: PFLHB 1 Family values 0

Case 2: the colour they all like[edit]

This is what we will send the Kemals unless they mend their ways. If they do, we will send them some other colours with the same message.

The Kemal family in Turkey have one value in common, in addition to the usual family values: they like the green colour.

The PFLHB solution[edit]

  • we will send the Kemal family spam e-mail with the text all in green. They will start to connect the colour with unpleasant and disturbing things.
  • we will send them postal mail with images of green kittens, green carrots, and so forth. They will recognize green as somehow wrong.
  • our agent in Turkey will go to the family and tell them green really sucks, that it is the ugliest of all colours, and that only total jerks like green. They might soon even be convinced that liberal, homosexual bigots are the only right-thinking people, at least on the colour front.
Score: PFLHB 2 Family values 0
The Jensens, if we succeed. Still feeling lenient?

Case 3: northern liberty[edit]

The Jensen family in Uppsala, Sweden, have one value they regard as all-important: lenience. They seem to regard the rest of humanity as their brothers and sisters, and would like to allow us all to behave the way we want to, if it doesn't cause any harm to others. This is a tough call to our organization, but we believe we have hit upon the solution yet again. Such a mighty weapon is our bigotry.

PFLHB moves them south[edit]

  • we already told the Jensens that lenient people are utter jerks, and that it is totally impossible to be lenient towards others: it will only increase suffering in the form of raised taxes and longer prison sentences. Anyone with brains can understand that.
  • we are currently plotting to have the Jensens imprisoned so they would see what happens when people are lenient.
  • If none of this succeeds, we will bluntly tell the Jensens that lenience really sucks, and that only morons are lenient. We are not afraid to repeat our message! That's how strong our liberal, homosexual bigotry can get at times.
Score: PFLHB 3 Family values 0
The horror of all horrors to any liberal bigot whiner: value void.

Case 4: valueless natives[edit]

We interviewed the Sputhanooka family of Native America, USA. They unanimously agreed their most cherished value is the lack of any concrete, discernible values, and that's what they are going to stand by until the Sun empties their livers. We at the PFHLB headquarters had to strain all our leftist-liberal, whiney homosexual bigotry to shoot that one down - but by our lack of true faith, we were ready to take on anything. Finally, our exalted leader, Mr. Gaybar, came up with the Final Solution.

The PFHLB strikes - and strikes hard!![edit]

  • we sent the Sputhanookas a letter saying they should get some values pretty soon or they would be in deep trouble!!
  • we are now planning to come up with some family values to introduce to them, and subsequently fight against. We are actually rather stuck on this one. If you have any spare values, please let us know as soon as possible! These disgusting, over-the-top anti-anti-bigotal value-haters can be a real menace to all of us rightly wrong-thinking people. What could we fight against if everyone started acting like the Sputhanookas?
Score: PFLHB 3 Family values 0,5

A war to win[edit]

From the above examples, the reader should get a clear picture of the power of the PFHLB - but also of the risks we run! We need contributions, new members with ideas, and values to fight - all for a better, valueless future! United we stand, divided we stand divided!