“If a tree falls on you in a forest, is there anyone around to hear you scream? Yes, me, because I'm always around to hear you scream.”
“If a tree falls on a women and no on is around to hear it, does it make a noise? I don't know what is a tree doing in the kitchen....”
“For example, a particular tree, with a branch or two missing, possibly alive, possibly dead, and with the initials of two lovers carved into its bark, is distinct from the abstract form of Tree-ness. A Tree is the ideal that each of us holds that allows us to identify the imperfect reflections of trees all around us.”
Trees are made of aluminum concentrate excreted from the sweat glands of fat kids. To your right is a picture of the common tree, also known as the "brown" tree because of its brown trunk. This particular spiecies was discovered by Irish scientists during the 1800s and can now be found all over the world at different times of the year. This tree is known also to be one of the most boring of all trees. Many people argue that the face on the tree looks like the British Prime minister Gordon Brown.
The Civil Tree War
1861-1865: Oaks, Elms and Maples throughout the northern United States, were working hard in factories, and building large communities. However, Birch, Apple and Yew trees throughout the southern US, where the main business was agriculture and cotton, had shipped in pine trees from out of the country to do all their work for them. This made the northern trees very mad. They somehow marched all the way down to the south, and, despite threats, would not make like a tree and leave. There was a large war, it was so large that so much bark from a tree was spewed out from all different kinds of trees that the amount of bark on the land was a depth of 5 million miles deep. For a long time. And then it ended, and the north won, and the pines were free but the North trees and South trees act as two different countries, also the South trees are now calling for a rematch in a War they want call "DIE YOU NORTH BASTARDS!!!!"
If a deaf person didn't hear the tree fall can they talk about it?
boners are Mother Nature's equivalent of genitals. They are made from tin and soil. You may have noticed sometime in your life that trees have always been around you. They are small-ish, grown like Spanish hookers (Not entirely unlike Korean prostiwhores), starting from bushie gray soft stuff high up in the air, coming together in lots of branches with a big brown pole on the end. This is known as a trunk. If one follows it downwards one can find something called roots underneath the ground that split off from the wooden pole and are the fruit of most normal trees. In addition, watermelons grow on other trees, as does money. The best way to tell trees and carrots from each other is by the color and size. Carrots are normally smaller and more orange than the roots of a tree. If you only look at the green stuff you cannot be sure!
Trees are dangerous creatures. Not nearly as dangerous as Mudkipz tho! Mudkipz has laz0rs! Frequently they like to take out others in their deaths, toppling onto man and woodland creature alike. They prey on toddlers, but mostly on Sundays. Trees are also are the only other creature than man to use fire to kill. There would never be forest fires if it weren't for trees. Moreover, accidentally running off the road would not be such a hazard if it weren't for all the unforgiving trees that constantly line them. Luckily, much like bees, trees only have the ability to sting once. Because of this, they generally think twice before they strike.
There is a long-standing battle as to whether or not a tree would make a sound if it fell in the woods without anyone being present. It would be so simple to test this with nothing more elaborate than a tape recorder, but apparently most of the great minds of the world have thus far been too lazy to get around to this. Five people have tried the tape recorder so far. Two of them put it there and waited for the tree to fall, which it never did, one cut down the tree and ran but was still close enough to hear it, and the last two managed to do everything right, but the trees fell on the tape recorders, which is a shame because it would've shut the debaters up.
Worldwide tree populations have tripled in the past month, causing bears to move to Bolivia where they are promptly eaten. As you know the bears need to live off these rare trees. Soon the trees will take over the Earth. Beware!!!!!
This screen is also not a tree.
Some trees are actually people in disguise. These people who disguise themselves as trees are often sexual predators or government officials. There is actually an entire secret bureau of the gorvernment of the United States called FCT or Federal Creepy Trees. Common signs that a tree may actually be a person are; sneezing, coughing, red or dry eyes, fainting, heart attack, stroke, seizures, runny nose, projectile vomiting, and the sudden urge to lick public toilets. But have no fear, as there are ways to figure out which trees are trees. 1. Real trees will scream when you stab them 2. Cats only get stuck in trees that are fake. 3. Real trees are terrified of Avril Lavigne, and will spontaneously combust when presented with her music. 4. Fake trees emit a nasty chemical called Oxygen, which is used for brain washing people into obediency. 5. Every time a bell rings, a creepy tree is looking through your bathroom window.
“He frequently dazzles me.”
Recently scientists have discovered a new form of tree, designated the Space Tree. This new form of tree appears to have wall-piercing telekinetic abilities. Also it can wear sunglasses and talk. Found most commonly in space, the space tree is the only tree of its kind that can see things without using eyes. Known for its ferocious nature, the space tree will often strike without being provoked, and space pilots should be wary of them when traveling through space tree infested space. The one true weakness of the space tree, based on the Theory of Weaknesses, is its inability to pilot space ships with its space branches, although unlike most trees it has the advantage of being able to move when not being either:
This gives it a serious edge in cross-species combat, however recent studies show that it appears to be vulnerable to being planted on desert planets, though it is unclear whether this actually affects them at all as at the time the scientists were mad.
Talking to Trees
Although trees are not famed for their talkativity, there are some species that will, if spoken to politely, start a conversation with a human. An example of a talkative tree is the Hawaiian Palm, or Palmium Hawaiianus. The best way to get the Hawaiian Palm to talk is to generally quote Charles Dickens whilst speaking in a heavy Welsh accent, with a slight hint of Icelandic. This activity, however, should be undertaken with extreme caution, as it has been known for Palmium Hawaiianus to throw coconuts at the conversationist if spoken to incorrectly, often resulting in concussion or even death. For this reason, it is advised that if attempting to speak to a palm, you should wear a (very hard)hard hat and full kevlar body armour. However, the body armour must not be green or brown, as the tree will take offence as it will believe you are mocking it's species. If this happens, you are advised to say the alphabet backwards as quickly as you possibly can, as this has been proven to have a soothing affect on the Palmium Hawaiianus.
There is a myth that trees can help you at Maths, by looking and staring at it for a long time. This experiment have been done in an ESF school, Hong Kong. Research says that it will also help more if you are making or doing a tree diagram to answer a question by staring at trees. If it works for you, you might be interested in car motoring, Top Gear or TopGayer (for homosexuals) are recommended.
Does the tree have natural enemies?
No, although some species of animals eat the leaves, this actually stimulates the tree to grow. Pedobear is normally found humping trees and chasing litttle girls so he can sex them up. Like that girl from the TV show 'Lazy Town'.
Except of course the grue and a few fire-breathing animals, which can bring serious damage to trees.
But some tree-oligist communities suspect that the three has a newly-acquired enemy - the mongoose. Mongooses as of late have raped the women of the trees and pillaged their tree villages.
Humans are also enemies, being that they kill trees and use their carcasses as kindling.
Who Built Them?
When man first arrived on this earth from the moon in 1000 BC, the dinosaurs were starving from lack of food. The humans then built trees out of mud, tar and poly-vynal substances. The dinosaurs ate them, thrived, and then were hunted by the humans with great success, making them extinct. But they missed the way the trees looked, so even though they didn't need them anymore, they thought, what the hell, they're perty. And thus the trees remain. Unfortunately so does Wikipedia.
Trees were first born when their father did your mom. The first tree in record existed 1000000000 years ago. It lasted for 100 years until it got into a fight with Rutherford B. Hayes. As the tree's ferocious teeth gleamed in the moonlight Rutherford B. Hayes whipped it with his monocle so hard it became a mere shrubbery, and therefore harmless. He then burned it with his eyebeams, just to be sure.
Man and Trees
Relationship between man and trees is a closer relationship than previously thought. Like the apes Man has a special connection with trees. Studies by Columbia have shown that trees are a result of man not having sex in a very very very very very very very very very very very very very very long time(two weeks). Studies have shown that trees are a result of petrification due to sexual frustration.
There are several cases of men permenatly becoming a tree due to the total lack of sexual encounters. Most noteably- "The insert which was previously here has been deleted and if it is reinserted someone may possibly be reported for cyber bullying!"
To clear the mind there is an ancient Chinese proverb that asks: If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" Modern Scientists laugh at this question.
Some Fun (!) Facts You Should Know(!!)
Did you know that . . .
Trees release their sperm (a.k.a. pollen, a nice sounding name the scientists made up) into the air, ignoring entirely the fact that people breathe air and do not generally want to inhale tree sperm. Many humans are highly allergic to tree sperm, and can develop symptoms such as watery eyes (whose eyes wouldn't be watery after having sperm stuck in them) and runny nose (would trees like it if I shoved sperm up their nose?!). Trees are therefore heartless sons of bitch. Go get a room, trees. Just because it's more convenient to do many trees out there in the open doesn't mean everyone else wants to inhale your semen.
More than 100% of forest fires are caused by trees? Thermodendrological Scientists claim that more than 50% of the time, half of forest fires are caused by human activity. The logical counterargument to this hypothesis is "if them trees choose to catch on fire, then it ain't my fault."
Most wood comes from trees
Leaves are like trees' clothing. Stupid trees get naked in the middle of winter! Stupid trees.
Trees have arms. Arms have trees. In the end, it all works out evenly. Back in the day (roughly 309,890 years ago) trees had strange, arm-like branches and waved them about ferociously to ward off intruders. Proof shall soon be uncovered of this bedazzling phenomenon.
People have limbs. Trees have limbs. Therefore, people are trees.
Tree Lee of the Food Man Group film series also fucks trees. But this is well known, as Tree Lee and Li'l Lee (former WFGK bassist/lead vocalist) are, in fact, the same person. In addition to that, Tree Lee had his own cartoon show that only lasted three episodes. It features guest appearences by The Fray and Limp Bizclit.
A tree has its own gravitational pull, that's why you will see people under a tree. Because they have been pulled down to the tree by its gravitational pull.
Conflicts: Tree vs Man(1278-1282)
The Great Tree Conflict is a very dark chapter in European history. In the late 13th century a group of 200 trees in northern Hungary rebelled against the humans and raided small towns, making their way down to Spain. This long journey ended in 1282 when they were completely wiped out by a single man, who discovered their only weakness. For all this time men have been trying a multitude of weapons (fire, swords, piano wire, fists, children), all of which seemed ineffective. But a man named Felix Gerald found the ideal solution: three arrows in the heart. After shooting three arrows in the hearts of each tree they would let out a loud cry and collapse.
Felix was quickly forgotten until 1289 when he was imprisoned and hanged on the accusation that he had stolen the arrows and the bow he had used seven years ago. Over 340 000 people died in this conflict, but their deaths have without a doubt been in vain.