Tsar Wars is a series of edumacational movies detailing the history of the Russian Revolution directed by George Hamilton. The series is highly regarded for its incredible accuracy and attention to detail, and is told from the point of view of two metal peasants, Arthur Dentoo (a renegade Dalek who shuns plumbing) and C-3PO, about whom the less said the better, honestly.
Due to a complicated screwup involving vodka, glasnoost and perestroika, Russian Reversals and a whole tubload of fake tan, none of the movies were filmed in the right order. Many complicated and quite detailed explanations were made up for this, most of them being true.
Episode IV: No Hope
Young farmhand Lukeski Walker (Wil Wheaton) is a bright young lad, bored of 'hoing potatoes' for his Uncle Sven and Auntie Beeb. One day after being attacked by the Sandman, Lukeski finds himself under the protection of Karl Marx (Pat Morita), a dirty old tramp in a robe. Karl takes him back to his hovel where he shows young Lukeski his big magic sword, and kindly offers to teach him how to handle it, the way he showed his dadd. Initially tempted, Lukeski decides instead to go back to 'hoing for his uncle and aunt. Upon returning to the hovel he shares with them, however, he finds that they are not undead.
Distraught, Lukeski follows Karl's advice and follows him to the big city of Mos Cow (Dairy Queen of the Russian Lands), where they meet
Indiana Jones Grigori Rasputin (Henry Winkler), a dappper young gent in tight leather pants, and his large hairy silent companion the Carebearca (Ron Jeremy), who wears no pants at all. After a bit of haggling, Rasputin and Carebearca agree to do the business with Karl and Lukeski.
- At this point we come to one of the most controversial points of the movie. In all versions, Rasputin is approached by Abraham Lincoln, who invites him to sit at a corner table. The two of them talk quietly for a few moments before Lincoln says to Rasputin, "I've been waiting for this for a long time." In the original version, this is the point at which Rasputin reaches below the table, says "I'll just bet you have," and proceeds to blow Lincoln away. In the adjusted version, however, Lincoln appears to shoot first, even though he misses Rasputin's face.
- This scene is the subject of another lesser controversy. In the original version, a nearby table is occupied by a group of future Communist leaders, including Leon Trotsky, who briefly waves to the camera. In later versions, Trotsky has been edited out.
Having decided to double-team, our brave heroes bravely run away, after a brief encounter with the hideously corpulent Tsarina Catherine the Hutt. With a swift bit of oral maneuvering on Rasputin's part, Catherine is quickly satisfied and the heroes quickly depart Mother Russia for parts unknown.
After escaping from the grasp of Tsarina Catherine the Hutt, the intrepid adventurers run into the great and powerful villain Darth Vassilovski (William Shatner)
(the fat older one) , a master of the dark arts, and a 'ho' servant of the Tsarina. Using his own magic sword, the villain Vassilovski singlehandedly slays Rasputin's Donkey, and then moves own to rape defeat Lukeski, Rasputin, and Carebearca. In response, Karl pulls out his own magic sword, and in a bitter clash, Karl is raped killed. However, Vassilovski fails to capture Lukeski, Rasputin or Carebearca, due to the arrival of the Bolsheviks.
After their rescue by the Bolsheviks, the adventurers are taken to their base, located far on the outskirts of the Glorious Motherland. There, they meet the leader of the Bolsheviks, Princess Leikova (George Lucas)
(no, really) . Lukeski decides to 'ho' for them, and Rasputin decides to stay also, to attempt to seduce Lukeski into joining him in his all night bachannalian parties.
Meanwhile, the Tsarina works to complete her massive pet project, the Death Tsar, a gigantic magic sword, with which she intends to
rape defeat the Bolsheviks...
Episode VI3: The Tsar Strikes Back
This movie opens at the Bolsheviks' secret headquarters in Siberia. While patrolling for Tsarist infiltrators, Lukeski is attacked by Yeti and forced to march back to the base on foot through a blizzard with only a canteen of vodka to live off of. As a result of either the cold or the vodka, he passes out. The ghost of Karl Marx appears and instructs him to seek out Bolshevik master V. I. Lenin (CGI, voiced by Arnold Schwarzenegger), who lives in exile in the muddy, foggy swamp of London.
After being rescued by Rasputin, Lukeski sets out for London in a mini submarine, taking Dentoo for ballast. Meanwhile, Rasputin and Leikova get into a violent argument over the role of the Party in the proletarian State. Rasputin claims Leikova should make him Premier of the future Soviet Republic. Leikova insists she would rather choose Carebearca than a non-Party opportunist like Rasputin. The disagreement is cut short when the Tsar discovers their secret base and sends an army of pillaging Cossacks to burn it to the ground.
Rasputin, Leikova, and Carebearca flee on the nearest sled, which Rasputin cleverly stows beneath one of the Cossacks' huge Tsar's Destroyers. They hitch a ride on this vehicle to the nearest Trans-Siberian Railway station. Rasputin knows the Cossacks always get drunk before hopping a train, so he waits until they are properly dazed before leaving their hiding place and catching a train going the opposite direction. They fail to realize that they are being followed by the infamous double agent and Russian Mafia hitman Leon Trotsky.
They arrive in Vladivostok, where Rasputin hopes to get help from an old friend, Commissar Molotov. Unfortunately, Molotov is angry at Rasputin for beating him in a drinking contest, and sells the whole group to Darth Vassilovski. This diabolical villain decides to use Rasputin to test the process of Tolstoite freezing, which will turn him to stone by forcing him to listen to an unabridged recording of War and Peace. Leikova and Carebearca try to fight back by staging a sketch from Chekhov, but accomplish nothing more than getting sent along with Rasputin to be turned over to Catherine the Hutt.
Meanwhile, Lukeski arrives in London and meets Lenin, who begins teaching him the doctrines of class warfare, proletarian revolution, and dialectical materialism. Lukeski quickly becomes bored and wants to go back to Russia, but Lenin has sold his sub to the British Museum and will not return it unless Lukeski promises to take him to St. Petersburg. Finally, Lukeski agrees to work for a capitalist merchant in exchange for passage to Vladivostok, for which Lenin kicks him out of the Bolshevik Party. Lukeski pays no attention, leaving Lenin and Dentoo to their fate in London and returning to his homeland.
Lukeski gets to Vladivostok far too late to help his friends, but not too late to run into Vassilovski. The Tsar's henchman tries to convince Lukeski to join the bourgeoisie, offering to make him governor of the Ukraine. When he hesitates, Vassilovski reveals that Lukeski's father was not a proletarian wagon driver; Lukeski is in fact a full-blooded Romanov! Upon realizing he belongs to a class whose existence is no longer compatible with society, Lukeski attempts to commit suicide by stabbing himself and jumping into the Pacific. He only succeeds in breaking his magic sword and bruising his knuckles. Vassilovski hurries off to help the Tsar fight the Prussians, and Lukeski washes up in a Vladivostok slum, drinking vodka, writing bad poetry, and dreaming of forming an ever expanding union of the workers.
Episode VI: The Reruns of the Jedkovski
Contrary to the popular belief. This episode of the ever-popular series "Tsar Wars" does not take place in his nose. This episode is a change of pace from the last few. It takes place in a small country village in Northern England where a young Hubert Spinks has just put the finishing touches on his remote control bicycle. He decides to take it out for a spin but fails to see the T.V. OH NO! Catastrophe, laughs-a-buncho, and Mr. Squiggles are all guaranteed in this failsafe version of candy. The movie closes with the now popularized phrase, "well, let's all go poop a big one!"