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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Turpentine.

Turpentine is a strong smelling liquid used both as a paint-thinner and a powerful intoxicant. Turpentine is five times more potent a drink than alcohol.


"Yeah, I helped invent Turpentine. It was back in nineteen-aught-two, good year. Yeah, those were good times."

"Huh? What? Oh, get on with the story. Yeah, yeah, damned whipper-snappers."

"So, anyway, it was nineteen-aught-two and some of my pals and I were trying to figure out a cheap alternative to alcohol. We had this policy where two people would try each batch, to see how well it worked and how bad it tasted. We hadn't been having much luck and then we came to this one batch; the first guy takes a big gulp and falls down dead. This was our first death, you have to understand, but we weren't phased that much. Anyway, I'm set to be the second tester and I'm all like, I ain't drinkin' that shit, it just killed someone. But, the other guys were all like, it's fuckin' policy man, drink up. So, I took a little sip of the stuff, tasted like shit, spat it out and tossed the rest over my shoulder. Now, wouldn't you know it, the paint on the wall started to melt off a bit. So yeah, that was how me and some of my chums invented turpentine back in good old nineteen-aught-two."